MOMMY MOMMY ONLY 4 MORE DAYS!!!

This is what I hear every day when the kids wake up (except its a different number of days considering which day it is.)  Everytime I hear my kids practically sing this statement with happiness, I just don't know WHAT to feel?  The kids are so joyful about their baby brother coming...but just hearing that there are 4 more days brings me nothing but dread at the moment.  Early this morning, before the kids woke up, I was just laying in bed and thinking about that sweet moment that I wake up AFTER my surgery.  Alive.  With this LONG never-ending nightmare finally having gotten over the worst.  We will finally be able to talk about what they found and what they had to do and the fact that I LIVED through it.  And let me not forget, meeting my little miracle boy that will have made this nightmare 150% worth it.  I just can't wait til Friday is here and I am still alive and a part of this beautiful world.  That will be a moment of pure joy for me.  And most certainly for Doug too. 

Doug has been so positive about this whole thing, but I can see he is starting to show his worry more and more.  You can just see it in his eyes.  Honestly, I just want to cry thinking about what HE will have to deal with during surgery.  I get the "easy" part in a way...I will be put to sleep.  And thats that.  He has to sit there and wait, for hours and hours, waiting and wondering and worrying.  It hurts my heart to think about him sitting there for hours...and going through all that alone. :(

4 more days til surgery.  5 more days til we can start living the rest of our lives with an even greater joy and appreciation for this experience (most especially being PASSED this experience).  I will finally be able to fully celebrate Ansen, with Doug and five other very jubilent children I have been surrounded by this entire time.  The first song on my playlist "before the morning" is singing to me again this morning....I am putting it back on autoplay for the time being so I can hear my words of inspiration 4 days from now-"cause the pain that you've been feeling...can't compare to the joy that's coming!"