The lowest that low can be....

I belong to a board of people that have "survived accreta/increta/percreta".  There are quite a few survivors that post and help answer our questions and give advice.  There are quite a few of us that are pregnant and going through this together.  3 of us are delivering within the next 2-3 weeks.  One of us had her baby about 6-7 weeks ago, a little girl born at 31 weeks.  She had a pretty extensive percreta (what they suspect I have).  She survived her massive surgery, was in hospital for 12 days, and kept posting about all the pain she was in still, weeks after surgery.  She went back into hospital 4 weeks ago.  We haven't heard a thing since and were concerned of course....but I had HOPED really hard that maybe she had her surgery and then maybe daughter came home...and I know time goes by in the blink of an eye when you have a newborn at home.. 

Well today, we learned she died on May 8th.  I feel absolutely sick to my stomach-the sickest I have felt this entire pregnancy.  She had JUST turned 27 years old and now her 4 children, ages 5 and under, are motherless.  Her husband, who was on FMLA while she was in the hospital on/off with this for months, has lost his partner and wife.  Her baby girl, Holly, who she fought so hard for will never know her mommy.  She offered me and others countless support.  She had thought that by surviving her surgery, she had beat it.  I just want to throw up, cry and run far, far away from this all.  WHY did I let myself get into this mess.  WHY!!!!!!!!!!! 

I don't want to do this anymore.  Having faith doesn't promise you will live through something.  I am scared of dying, but I am MUCH MORE TERRIFIED of leaving my babies to deal with the death of their mommy, leaving Doug to deal with the death of his best friend and wife.  I have been trying to look positively forward, making plans for the future, reassuring my kids that after Ansen is here, life will FINALLY return to normal.  What happens if it doesn't?? What happens if I absolutely, positively ruin their lives by dying on them???  I have no one around me that can take on my role.  I have no idea how Doug would take care of 6 kids by himself, while trying to work to support 6 kids. 

I have been scared of dying this whole time through, and so have all of us on that board.  And now, we are all reminded that  they aren't kidding when they say you can die from this.  I love Ansen so much, but I am also not ready for these next 11 days to be my last 11 days. Its not fair!  In the beginning, I was made to make the decision of ending Ansen's life or taking the chance of risking my own life.  My mind and spirit has been tortured from the very start of this pregnancy.  Why would God let me go through SOOOOO much, only to hear this final blow to my strength and my soul, 11 days before my surgery????   I just wish I could wake up and have this all have been one big extended nightmare. 

I thought I was brave enough to finally face this surgery.  I don't want to do it anymore.  I am not ready to leave this world yet and ruin my family's lives.  I just want to sit at home, enjoying my kids, hanging out with my wonderful, sweet husband, and I want all this scary stuff to just disappear.  I don't want to deal with serious risks and  risks of death anymore, I don't want to sign any more healthcare proxys, I don't want to have to STILL consider writing letters to my family, telling them how much I loved them.  I didn't learn to truly live, love, and appreciate the simpleness of life itself until just recently...I haven't had enough time to enjoy my new sight of the world.  I wasted so many of my years here, accomplishing very little of value, caring more about "having fun" then anything else.  I haven't made much/if any impact on this world-any impact I may have minutely made on my children can and will very well be erased if I leave them with my death to deal with.  Half of my kids won't even REMEMBER ME!  I still don't think I ever could have terminated Ansen's life, but now I see that although I considered how much ending his life would tarnish my own soul and how it would unjustly end his life and his little soul as well, that I didn't fully consider that by having my life ended through complications of such pregnancy, that I could ultimately ruin/tarnish 6/7 other souls here as well.  I have put my trust and faith in God, but if I die, I think more around me would abandon God then embrace Him.  I wrote this blog to hopefully be a testament of my faith, but instead, it could very well end up to be nothing more then my journey of fear-come true.

Just wishing I could find a way run away from this all myself.  But I have put myself in this deep ditch now...actually its more like a trench, or maybe a sinkhole. I have let myself get into a situation where there is no getting out of it without the most serious of help.  Oh, and the help could ulimately kill me.  Wonderful.  At this moment of my life, I am NOT thrilled that I followed my heart and hoped for the best this pregnancy.  How stupid was I.  Hoping for the best does little for your spirit when you are facing the worst...and then you have the worst, WORST to remind you how little your strong heart/spirit can do for you when it comes to some of these complications.  And how little that strong spirit and caring heart can do when you are gone-and leave the ones that you love...alone...in great sadness.

Sending my thoughts and prayers to Kym's family right now, as I try to figure out a way to not be terrified for myself and my family this next 11 days.....