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Monday, May 9, 2011

Feeling so blessed...

to have had another Mother's Day to enjoy with my kids.  We didn't do anything special whatsoever, just another normal, boring day....but those are exactly what being a mom is all about.  I feel like I won the lottery, with my 6 beautiful children to mother!!  And yesterday, I took the kids to the park to meet a friend that just had her 4th child (she came to visit Ansen at the NICU and told me that day that his journey had inspired her to have her 4th child that she had been flip flopping in her head about having-her daughter is now ~2 months old).  And yesterday she told me she was now considering a 5th. That she didn't feel her family was complete.  Now that is a nice Mother's Day present.  Because for most people, my large family inspires them to use birth control.  Seriously.  This world isn't made comfortable for a 6 kid family.  2 kids is deemed rather perfect to most.  One of the main things I hear is along the lines of our number of children  "well thats nice, I would have liked another, but we only have the money/energy/future plans/sanity for two".  With 6 kids, we certainly rarely have any extra money, we certainly go minute by minute in regards to "planning" things, we aren't able to give our kids the world (or fancy clothing, fancy electronics, or yearly Disney/cruise vacations) and my sanity is tested OFTEN.  But I am blessed.  With 6 of the only treasures I will ever have that can come to Heaven with me.  I will probably be dirt poor for the rest of my life because of these 6 of mine, and crazy busy to boot, but I feel like a millionaire in my heart.   I have 6 riches that  money can't buy.   And to have my friend want to hang out with us somewhat regularly, and then for her to say that the thought of 5 children is now speaking to her heart...well its a nice change from what I hear every other day of the year.  Not that I think that everyone should have 5 or 6 children a piece, but I think everyone should make the decision on their family size from their heart and not from their head (because the head has a way of convincing you that the good life=money, beautiful things, elaborate plans).  I am not immune to the longings of my head....I too dream of a bigger house, and bigger vacations, and a nice bedroom set, and Hanna Andersson clothing for my kids, etc.  But then I am reminded daily as to what truly matters...when I am 80, what will I be most proud of in regards to what I accomplished?  And I am pretty sure that the pretty things/big plans won't count for much when its time for me to meet my Maker.  But thats just me.

Happy belated Mother's Day....hope everyone enjoyed a day with their most valued treasures as well! :)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"interesting" appt today...

I had a consult with a general surgeon today for my hernia.  Well, as soon as he walked in, I knew that I wasn't in for a riproaring time.  He wasn't warm and friendly, thats for sure.  Then he asked why I was there, took a bunch of notes, and then started asking about why I had so and so health insurance and why we didn't have anything else but that.  He then examined my hernia (feeling for edges of where it started and ended (~12 inches augh)), and then had me stand up to see how much it stuck out when I stood up.  He told me that I had two options.  What I REALLY need is a 4 step surgery (not sure if that means 4 surgeries or just one big elaborate surgery), but that they would need to carve things apart in there and put them back together the way they were meant to be, and this would be refinforced by some kind of graft once they got me all back together again. This would requite a few days of hospitalization and would be very painful.  Unfortunately, this was NOT even one of my two choices, bc my insurance won't pay for that and he assured me that he doesn't let insurance mandate giving care to a patient, but that he also can't be expected to do these kinds of surgeries for free unless its a true emergency. 

So my options actually are:  1.  To have the minimally invasive laparascopy that my insurance will pay for and they would try to sew a patch in between the 12 inches of open fascia....but that this would most likely not work for any long period of time, just bc of the extent of the hernia/damage inside.  I would also still look like I have a hernia, bc this patch would still let stuff push through to some extent.  2.  To wait it out, re-evaluate in 6 months (and hopefully get better insurance), and do it the right way.  Also would give me time to get in better shape, so to hopefully lessen my chances of 5 months of infection like last time (augh).  He recommended option 2. 

As crappy as his bedside manner was, I have learned along the way that drs with the least pleasant bedside manner are usually the  most meticulous drs/surgeons (and the ones you want doing your surgery).   And he could easily do the first option, get paid for it, and forget about me for the time being.  But he highly recommends the more extensive surgery to get the best results for me. 

I figure this is God's will.  If I was meant to have this thing fixed now, the option would be made available to me.  I am not looking forward to walking around with this huge lump indefinately (as well as being unsightly, it is often very sore), but I also appreciate that for Ansen, this is probably the best choice.  When I had all my other surgeries, Ansen was a newborn and could stay in the hospital with me and Doug, bc all he did was sleep and eat.  He is still exclusively nursed (well with table food) and he hasn't had a bottle since my surgery in September.  Even with the least invasive method, they said I would have to stay in hospital for a few days and Ansen would definately not just chill out at hospital like he did as a newborn; he is now a busy, exploring, crawling everywhere, tasting everything ~11 month old.  I don't want our nursing relationship to end right now (or be messed up by us being apart for a few days)....since he is my last baby, it is very special to me.  I have been looking forward to my spring/summer/fall without a wound, and I certainly don't want to have some half done surgery, only to still need more surgery later. 

So that is that; my choice is pretty much made for now.  Just going to wait it out for now.  I asked if this was a dangerous option, but he said that my hernia was so big that "you could stick your head through", and that something that massive doesn't run a huge risk of entrapping intestines and such.  He felt that anything coming through could easily make its way back in. 

Truthfully, I still can't believe thats how my appt went though....I thought for sure that we would schedule something, get it fixed, and that would be that.  I had heard insurance can be like this, but I guess its just truly eye opening that they can play such a huge part in your medical options/own personal health.  This world is crazy. :(  But God hasn't forgotten me, I am sure of this.  So I will just ride this out and see what road we end up at when all is said and done.   

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Thy will be done

The sermon this week was about letting God's will be done in your life; to listen to those whispers in regards to what direction he wants you to head in your life.  Of course, this sermon couldn't have come at a better time....I am on an hourly (gee, almost minutely) battle at times, between what I personally WANT out of life (I want to find some miracle solution to get out of my house NOW and buy a farmhouse in neighboring, farm animal friendly city, and all the farm animals of my dreams, I want to stop being hounded on a daily basis about homeschooling and our family and my life and just enjoy simpleness at its finest)....but I innately feel like God's will is the polar opposite of everything I want for myself.   I have one thing that I feel really strongly that He wants me to do and that he keeps putting on my heart, and I am pretty convinced that leaving our house is not in our cards either (the whole bloom where you are planted thing).   And I appreciate it and I try to accept it and bloom a great big bloom....BUT, hey what can I say, I am human and my own personal will is strong and my own desires always cloud God's will; make is easier to ignore that whisper on my soul.  I am reading a book called  "If God is your co-pilot, switch seats!!"  I am a work in progress and I have to keep learning/accepting this. I had to accept it when I tried ferverently (and failed for quite some time) at having our first child, I had to accept it when I had my fourth boy, I had to accept very much so when I went through placenta percreta and subsequent surgeries.  And I am still learning/accepting that lesson now, with my husband still looking for work, and with my hopes and dreams so big and so unattainable at the moment.   There are quite a few areas of my life that I have become an expert at heeding God's whispers...or putting them off for a short while. But truth be told, the sermon this week was my reminder; my kick in the butt.  I need to fully hand over the controls of my life to God, and let us His will be done with our life...and let those whispers of His on my heart grow like Ansen ultimately did! 

Thy will be done
On Earth, as it is in Heaven.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Fitting in...

Its so easy to desire to be part of the "in crowd" of this world.  Its comfortable to not be an outsider and its certainly great for your self esteem.  But is it good for spiritual growth to always feel comfortable and at ease-is the good life/being popular/fitting into the norm the way to go to get where you ultimately want to be?  I don't know.  I have found that when I am most comfortable, I have not wanted to change much in my life...I felt very content as is and changed very little spiritually.   And then when I have done the most outlandish, out of the norm things, leading us to a not so comfortable/easy going period in my life, I have exponentially grown spiritually in such amazing/rich ways, that I don't even recongize the person I am today. 

I have come to the conclusion that for me, I want to stick out like a sore thumb.  I want our family to march to the beat of a different drummer.  Of course, I also want to work my hardest to always act with Christ like behavior (and really want my children and husband to exhibit the same qualities).  But I want to fight that desire to fit in; that desire that we are innately born with.  I have spent the last few years, following my heart, but also wanting to fit into the crowd and wondering why we so sorely stuck out.  I have come to the realization that you can't have both.  But you know what, in the end... I don't want to be comfortable.  In my experiences, with comfort, our spiritual growth slows to almost a halt.  I don't think God wants us to live a simply comfortably, self pleasing life.  We are meant to continually step out of our comfort zone-both learning from the experience ourselves and hopefully teaching others a little here or there as we head along a new, less traveled road that continually enlighten our spirituality.  So as we continue to travel this path called life, don't be surprised if our family chooses the most out of the norm/least popular route; the path covered over with brambles, the long and winding unknown route that leads to who knows where.  Yep thats where we will be....and feel free to join us!! :)

Friday, April 8, 2011

Grow where you are planted

Every day is a new challenge and a new life lesson to either learn or to use.  And my life lesson lately has been to remind myself that I need to grow where I was planted.  I am human; I am jealous at times.  Everyone around me has bigger houses and bigger yards.  We bought our house at the peak of the market and get a little house for a lot of money.  And now you can get a LOT of house and yard for a little money.  My grandfather's house is for sale, and it includes 4.5 acres...for 180,000.  Our house was 187,000 for .10 acre of land.  Doug and I always wanted a farm, but I gotta tell you that its probably hard to have even the tiniest pseudo farm on .10 acre of land.  Sometimes I find myself getting jealous and wondering why our life lead us here and how its SOOOOO not conducive to our dreams.  Its hard not to compare with others and wish for a redo.  But comparison is the thief of joy. 

I remind myself daily that God put us here for a reason.  None of this is a surprise in His perfect plan for us.   He planted our seeds here, and now its time for us to grow and thrive, to taking on the challenge of living out our dreams as best as we can for the time being.  For we aren't ever promised a tomorrow.  We may think we are invincible, and make all these big plans and dreams for our tomorrows...but in doing so, we waste away the gift of today-the gift of this moment in time, right in front of our noses.   Today is here, and this is what God has blessed us with today, and we are going to extract every ounce of promise and potential we have been afforded here.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  I don't have time to worry about all those tomorrows, when I have this big, beautiful today right in front of me-blossoming with promise.  We are going to create our own little (and I mean LITTLE) backyard homestead and make a space that makes some of our simpler dreams come true and and gives God the thanks.  An outdoor space that we can work for food, an outdoor space that we can play in, and an outdoor space that we can simply sit outside in, hear the birds in, feel the breezes in, and reflect on the small, sweet blessings and rewards of life.  Small spaces don't have to be the end of big dreams. 

My house is small, my yard is small, but God knows where I live.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Have a HUGE incisional hernia.....

Found that out last week.  I had always thought that ugly, hard lump that looked like an alion sticking out of my stomach was some weird healing of scar tissue.  Well it appears its actually my organs on the inside trying to come out.  I was referred to a surgeon, but have yet to hear anything at all.  Doug ran into my visiting nurse while bringing the twins to speech, and she said I would have to have it taken care of.  Of course, the first thing I think about is infection when thinking of another surgery.  My body obviously HATES any kinds of surgeries, and just overcompensates with the wound fluid to the injury.  Gosh, I really don't want to start THAT all over again.  I kinda like having a closed stomach, thankyouverymuch.  I want to talk about my options with the surgeon (if they ever contact me).  I was told that most of the time they can do this laparoscopally.  How likely is that in my case??  This thing is the size of a grapefruit.  *shrug*  Guess I will find out eventually.  But can I say that I am the *tiniest* bit excited that I am not going to have this lump sticking out of my stomach for my whole life.  This body isn't forever.  I know and value that.  And truthfully my stomach reminds me daily of my faith journey and the greater good it has brought.  But the weird bump sticking out that feels like this freaky hard water balloon ...yeah I think I could live without that if they tell me it needs to be fixed.  Do I feel like taking the chance of infection and such for it??? EHHHHHHHH.  Not sure of an answer for that one.  But if it can be done laparscopally....well that seems a little less infection likely.  And no, thats NOT a challenge for my manifest yet another weird, against the odds infection.  Time (and a surgeon) will tell with what we plan to do with this lovely incisional hernia...for now we wait.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hoping that I won't miss my uterus like this for the rest of my life....

I have more then enough children to keep me busy here, I don't feel like there is a little soul tugging on my heart like I did 2 years ago, but I still miss my uterus all the time.  It's ridiculous I know.  I always am thinking of things I could have done differently in my life so I could have kept it (of course, all these options in my mind still include having my 6 kids).  I feel a major allegience to my uterus, it might have been screwed up at the end, but it did an amazing job of growing 6 children for me.  I am wondering if it will be this hard for the first year anniversary of things, and then I will slowly but surely fully accept the hysterectomy and move on.  Gosh, I hope so.  I wish I could relive the last 8 years of my life.   All my pregnancies went by so quickly, my babies are growing so fast....every time I blink, everyone is another half year older.   Ansen-my last baby ever- is crawling and is getting closer and closer to a year old.  It makes me sad that I really missed his first 3 months of life, with him in the NICU and then me being drugged out for surgery after surgery.  I don't even remember July at all.   I mourn having a normal delivery and those moments in the hospital where all you had to do was focus on all that joy of getting to know our new baby.  The last time I felt that was at Caden's birth (over 5 years ago).  That makes me really sad.

Thankfully I have God to remind me that this is EXACTLY how he planned my life to be.  None of this was a surprise to Him, and in regards to having children, all I wanted to do was have all the children HE had planned for me.   And I did that. Even when things got scary bringing Ansen into the world, I did just what God hoped I would.  I know I need to stop putting the focus on my missing uterus and instead pour all that focus into God and the life He has granted me.  I don't want to be that person that spends so much time on the shoulda/woulda/couldas that I miss out on the joys of every today.  I think I just REALLY need spring to get here...spring always helps me refocus.  Sitting in the house/within these 4 walls, day after day after day with 6 VERY energetic children can take its toll on the sanest of minds.  Here's hoping that many outside days are on its way soon here....and that I can use the blue sky, green grass, fresh air, much more clear mind of spring to get over this "missing my uterus" stuff.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Ansen is now one pregnancy old....

One pregnancy....nine months old.  I am so grateful that God sent him to complete our family....he is such a joy to all of us!  I just wish he wasn't growing up so fast on me.....

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

got a case of the blahs....

Its almost been a year since I was put into the hospital for bleeding.  Almost a year since I prepared for what seemed like imminent surgery for me and my 26 week baby.  Almost a year since they uttered the words "potential placenta percreta".  Almost a year since I went on bedrest. 

Last year was terrifying, but seems "holy" to me now.  It was the time when my faith was most tested, and when I felt/saw God's work the clearest.  I am now founding that I miss that clarity.  I mourn that clarity.  Life is back to its monotanous hum drum of life, people going on with their lives, and I am of course expected to go on with my life, as time flies by.  My baby boy is 9 months old.  Its been 9 months since I had to face a surgery that could have ended my life, 9 months since I faced my biggest fears, 9 months since I kissed my uterus goodbye, and 9 months that have flown by that I have yet to fully process.  I would give anything to relive one of those days again last year, even though they were the most terrifying of my life.  *sigh*  Life is flying by, and I feel like I am doing little but make it through the days is so busy here at my house, my kids keep me so busy.  I want to do more more then just trudge through my days and check off my daily todolist.  I think I was supposed to do more with this.  But I just am not sure of what that is.

I miss my uterus as well.  Now that my baby boy is getting closer and closer to one, I am reminded that my last baby is growing up too fast on me like the others have.  And  I missed half of his months as a baby drugged up on percocet bc of wound/surgery pain.  :(  I wish I could have some of that time back now. 

The sermon at church spoke to me this week.  Was about taking that holy moment in your life and using it as inspiration for the normal, "boring" days ahead.  God always finds a way to give us the messages we need to I just need to figure out how I can use this info to make for a more spirtually fulfilling life for us all here.   

Monday, February 14, 2011

Things are just kinda weird....

My husband lost his job of 7 years.  Just feels weird.

Having him home 24/7.  Weird, but great.

Having our pay cut DRAMATICALLY, but thanks to unemployment, not to nothing.  Weird, but hopefully life changing.

Having him start a part time job soon after being home for almost a month.  Weird...and gonna miss him.

Having life flying past so crazy fast right now.  Weird.  Makes me miss the slowness of my life on bedrest.

Having a baby that is 8 months old already, and about to crawl.  Weird.  He was a newborn for like 2 seconds it seems.  Most of it was the drugged haze I was in for the first few months of his life.

Already being in mid February.  Weird.  Why is time going so fast?

Can't believe its almost been a year since I started bleeding and got diagnosed with the worst diagnosis.  And started my bedrest.  And thought every day I might have to deliver my baby.  And wondered if I would make it through my surgery.  Weird.  How has that already been a year?

Missing my uterus.  WEIRD?  Who misses a uterus?

I know we will move through all the weirdness to a more comfortable "new" kind of life.  Just waiting and wondering, wanting life to slow down enough for me to savour my last baby and my other 5, always growing/always changing kids, sometimes I want life to halt so I can process the last year properly, but then other times I want certain aspects of life to speed up, bc I am anxious to find out what more God has in store for us.  Weird may not always feel good, but God rocks our sometimes too comfortable worlds with these "weirds", and then uses the "weirds" to help us be better people.  Still working on figuring out what more God has planned with me and my family...and all I hope is that I don't let Him down.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

When people tell me how happy and good natured Ansen is....

each and every time, all I want to answer is YES, he is...he is just very happy and content with being alive.  He is loving life.   Many people don't know how close he could have come to not being here, multiple times.  How close we both came at times.  This last year taught me so much.  Ansen teaches me more and more, day after day.  I am so lucky and blessed.  Lucky and blessed to have Ansen and Rylan and Gavin and Caden and Elise and Kylie and Doug.  And my family.  And my friends.  Thankful for life.  Thank you God!