I don't know how I feel. First of all, she has dealt with this approximately 2 times a year since the late 70's...so I am glad she has some experience with it all. First she told me that there is a small chance I will keep my uterus and will keep placenta IN my uterus...and I am STILL not thrilled with that option at all. With this option, I would have to take a cancer drug for at least a month, and then either my placenta would dissolve (that seems unlikely) or I would need a hysterectomy later on. So at first, it sounded like a small chance, but then she was saying that once they get baby out, if I am having no bleeding, she really wants to just sew me up, keep placenta in and do the methotrexate. So now it is sounding more and more then a small chance. She was very reassuring that in the end, she wants me there for my kids and that she is going to pick whatever looks like my best option after baby is taken out, but I am so unthrilled with the idea of keeping my placenta in there and prolonging this nightmare even longer.
And I know this is stupid (bc obviously living through this is the most important thing in the end), but I really wanted to breastfeed and I wouldn't be able to with this option. I have lost complete control over all of this, ever since I chose the option NOT to terminate my pregnancy, all choices have been taken out of my hands and I have simply been stuck on this terrible roller coaster ride, unable to get off. This whole time, I have pictured getting through this nightmare and being able to breastfeed my baby boy. Its just something that is important TO ME. I need to be able to have SOMETHING at the end of this to look forward to (yes, I know besides the whole being alive part). its been hard for me to bond with a baby that "might not make it" this whole pregnancy...and I was looking forward to that special time of bonding with him and having some normalcy back in my life after an extremely abnormal, discouraging, depressing pregnancy.
This week was the first time they brought up the option of leaving everything in, and its most due to what the gyn-oncologist wants to do. I know my maternal/fetal doctors do not want to leave placenta in and they think its just delaying problems, not getting rid of them. I am going to bring it up at my appt Monday that I would really love it if they could pull some weight towards the "taking out everything, doing whatever repair is neceassary" option of this surgery. But then I think how insignificant bf'ing is vs. the grand scheme of the seriousness of this is. I know, I know. Just sucks that all these new options are being brought out, and the thought of having to take methotrexate, deal with infections, deal with having future surgeries to remove placenta AND not being able to breastfeed my baby boy :( ...well I just feel sad and sick thinking about it all.
I want nothing but the best outcome obviously....its just hard losing all control of everything that is important to me. In 20 days, I have to put my life in everyone else's hands...and hope for the best. I have had to give up so much this pregnancy, and now I might have to give up things really important to me after the pregnancy. Its just neverending and I feel like I am losing my "strength" in all this at times. The only thing that keeps me hanging on at times is the thought that God has a perfect plan for Ansen and I at the end of this journey-and I am anxious to see it. But its NOT been an easy journey at all, and the truth is I am feeling very "beaten" by it, especially today.
20 days to go until I find out what the outcome of this nightmare will be, and whether or not this nightmare will be indefinately lengthened..... *sigh*