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Thursday, April 29, 2010

gossip, gossip, gossip.....

This whole condition has certainly brought out the gossip in so many people.  I am getting very discouraged by how many people think they know our situation and are having a field day talking amongst themselves regarding how we have/continue to deal with this pregnancy and all our "mistakes".  *sigh*  Good friends I thought I had. People all around us....who I thought were acting out of the goodness of their hearts.  Family that has been a help to me, only to find out they too have been having a field day talking about it all.  So many instances I can't count.  Stuff like this brings out the good in people...while also the very bad. 

Once upon a time (maybe not as long ago as I would like to think) I never minded getting a little juicy gossip here or there...and sharing it with others.  Slowly though, it just has seemed less and less "fun" know, once you start to really consider empathy in all of this.  Honestly, I know we have a lot of negative people in our lives that think we are plain insane for all the choices we make (and have a heck of a field day talking about it).  When this pregnancy started off on a bad foot and just kept heading negatively, I didn't even want to announce the pregnancy.  I knew how it would be.  But I needed prayers and I hoped that my friends and family could look beyond their disdain for our lifestyle and just offer us some sincere prayers.  Its all I wanted. 

Now I have everyone's "opinions" coming at us.  I am not taking my health seriously.  I am not taking bedrest seriously.  I am not giving up my kids for others to take them and watch them.  Today, I just wanted to cry.  My dad was telling me that he was talking to my  Aunt about how I turn down all offers of help I get, and its my fault if I end up back in the hospital.  I told him "I'm sorry, but I like to spend time with my kids".  Of course, then he started yelling that that WAS my problem.  Why does no one understand that the only thing keeping me sane in this whole journey IS my kids.  If I wanted to be alone, lost in my sad thoughts, I would have stayed at the hospital the last 5 weeks.  And other's offers to help include soley taking my girls.  No one wants anything to do with my boys.    Sure thing, offer to take the two easiest children of mine and then tell me that I am risking my health bc I won't agree to it-bc I dare want to keep all my kids together AND with me!

As I was trying to explain to my dad that I wanted to be around my kids as much as I could bc I was going to be hospitalized next week anyways...he started going off that if I had let others take my girls the few times I offered, maybe I wouldn't have to be hospitalized.  No one understands.  Any of this. :(  Its like I am a stranger to everyone except Doug.  Every morning, I wake up for my children and I go to bed for my children.  God blessed me with these little lives to love and hug and teach and praise and kiss and smile at and laugh with...they are my responsibility, my job- and I have loved every second of it, even at the craziest of times.  I have had to find ways to balance my favorite job with bedrest, but I think I have done a pretty good job, considering I am 31 weeks tomorrow.  My biggest fear this pregnancy is losing my role in the job that I love so much. :(

But the more I try to explain myself, the more people don't listen and the more they talk amongst themselves.  And if this all ends badly, very few people will see the magnitude and depth of the love I have had for my children through every step of this journey, throughout the darkest of my days; instead they will take out of this that I endangered my health from start to finish, then refused everyone's generous "help" and ultimately paid the price for it.  Even my own family will be convinced that that is the truth in the matter.  And it hurts. :(  30 years I have now lived, and I am nothing more then a stranger to most in my life.  Someone that makes for some excellent gossip, bc I can't seem to do any right in anyone's eyes.  And all this time I really thought all these people in my life knew my heart...I certainly don't hold it back from anyone.  It's just one big giant slap in the face, coming from all sides now. 

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I know this is silly....

but I just have this fear that the baby will come on May 6th....and the reasoning why is probably ridiculous.  In our family, there is Doug and I with birthdays on the 31st, Elise and Caden with birthdays on the 9th, and Gavin and Rylan with birthdays on the 5th.  At the beginning of this pregnancy (pre-all this craziness), I was hoping so hard that I could have the baby on the 6th (JUNE 6th, not May 6th) so that Kylie and baby could share a a birthday on the 6th.  So silly, but I just like patterns like that.  Well was just thinking about it tonight and was just sick thinking about if the baby did come on a 6th, like next Thursday-May 6th.  Yes, I know its irrational, but the more I think about it, the more I worry about it...and I think its convinced me that I will start staying at hospital on Monday the 3rd, instead of Friday the 7th.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have been debating about when to go in (Monday is 31.5 weeks, Friday is 32 weeks exactly) and I asked Doug to go with his gut and tell me what to do, and he keeps telling me he wants me to check into hospital on Monday.  I was going back and forth STILL up til today, just bc I wanted to sneak in one more week of Doug's work, but my fear of this 6th day thing on top of Doug's feelings just makes me think Monday should be the day I kiss my freedom goodbye for hopefully just a few weeks.  *sigh*  I know I will feel MUCH better when at the hospital, at least medical wise.  I am worried every minute I am here, especially on days like tomorrow when Doug is gone the ENTIRE day/night.  Just going to miss my kids so much...thats what hurts the most about this.  But I have to do this for them, so I can hopefully be there for them after this whole nightmare is over. 

Monday, April 26, 2010

back and forth, back and forth....

Keep going back and forth about when would be the best time to go check into the hospital.  Of course, I would feel the safest at the hospital right now, but I have 5 kids that are the joy of my life, and I want to be around them as much as I can.  I also want Doug to work as much as he can, so that we can be better prepared money wise for when we  has to be out of work.  So its just really hard.  I agreed with doctors to be hospitalized at 32 weeks....but sometimes I think maybe next Monday instead (31.5 weeks).  I want to be there with my kids, but I also want to be there FOR my kids all these years later.  At the hospital, if things go bad quickly, they could be prepping me or transfusing me within minutes.  That is very reassuring to me. 

All four maternal/fetal doctors are having a big meeting about my case on Wednesday and they will figure out their "plan" for me.  Although planning for something like this can sometimes be like planning for the unplannable, I will still feel reassured by it.  Today at appt, we talked about delivering at 34 weeks instead of 36 weeks...and everyone seems in agreeance right now about it. I know I feel MUCH more comfortable about it myself.  We'll see what they ultimately decide on....hopefully Wednesday afternoon.

All I know is that for now, I am just trying to go with my gut.  And praying about it.  And asking Doug to pray about it as well.  I am hoping that one of us gains the wisdom we need to make the right decisions when the time is right.  I know when I am checked into the hospital for good, I will breathe one tiny sigh of relief.  But I will also miss my five favorite little people so much.  And like right now, all I can think about is just getting in ONE more day to enjoy them at home with me...around me.  And each subsequent night, I want to just sneak in one more day...its a hard cycle to break!   Here's hoping that we can find the peace and wisdom our hearts are searching for as delivery gets closer and closer.

And if anyone else has any wisdom to share, please do so!!  I, without a doubt, think that God has a way to talk to us through others as well...for sure! 

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Uterus is NOT happy today....

For some reason, the LONG ride we went on today did not make my uterus too happy, I go for rides all the time, and Doug had to take his EMT test today, so we decided to all go the ride and wait for him in the van while he was actually taking test.  I don't know if it was the bumpy roads we hit, or what...but I had to take my contrax meds out there (and I was kinda freaking out about the thought of me suddenly needing to go to hospital, just bc we were a decent distance away from hospital).  They calmed down, but then picked right back up at about I took my 2nd and last dose of meds I am allowed for the day.  I am kinda nervous about them coming back again.  If they do, I have to go back to hospital tonight.  *sigh*  Tomorrow morning, I have an ultrasound and appointment anyways, so I would MUCH rather just make it til then.   Hoping my uterus will just CHILL OUT for the rest of the day now. 

Tomorrow I am going to ask about delivering at 34 weeks, and tell them that Doug and I have decided that I will probably check in to hospital at 32 weeks.  32 weeks seems to be the average time that these incretas/percretas take a turn for the worst, and I just want to be right at the hospital as I get closer and closer to this delivery.  Augh.  The delivery I want no part of right now.  Anyways, we will see what happens tomorrow.  Wondering if I will get to go home after my apppointment, after how last week's went....we'll see.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Questioned at times whether I would see myself here....

entering my 30th week!!!  Happy 30 weeks to Ansen....his lungs are maturing by the day and if he was born now, he would have a MUCH easier time then he would have had 4 weeks ago.  I am so happy we have made it this far....and hoping we can get another 2/4 weeks out of this pregnancy. 

I want to ask my doctors about the possibility of delivering at 34 weeks.  They (rather optimistically) want to get me to 36 weeks and honestly, I am afraid that before that magic number hits, it will become an emergency situation.  If I am bleeding before I go into this delivery, I am already heading into this surgery at a disadvantage.  If I am suddenly majorly bleeding, I won't be able to get the balloons in my uterine arteries to help control bleeding  and bc hemmorhaging is my biggest risk.... well it worries the heck out of me.  And as much as I want my baby to be his biggest and healthiest, I also want me to be alive after the whole thing! Babies born at 34 weeks may need a little supplental oxygen, but they are usually just feeders and growers.  I am sure he would do fantastically at 34 weeks. 

So I am going to ask them about this on Monday, and tell them my fears.  They have said time and time again that they NEED to avoid an emergency situation; they need the right people (those prepared for my situation) to be on the schedule and there for the surgery.   I just think that 36 weeks is just too optimistic.  Maybe 34 weeks is too optimistic too.  Most people on the acreta/increta/percreta board I have come across have delivered at about 32 weeks.  Guess we will just have to wait and see. 

So incredibly thankful to have made it to 30 weeks.  My uterus/placenta may be in lousy shape, but they are still sustaining my little boy, so that he can grow and his lungs can continue to mature.  I am so grateful that this pregnancy that looked doomed from the start, has proved to me over and over AND over again what a true miracle it is.  

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

29.5 weeks-back in hospital....

So I went to my 29.5 week appt yesterday.  Had ultrasound first, and like always, Ansen is doing wonderfullly.  Practice breathing a ton, moving around, lots of fluid, etc.  I got some amazing pics of my big cheeked little boy!  Like this one (with his little foot/toes hanging out above his head).  Is it normal for a baby at only 7.5 months to have CHEEKS like that!!  I am in love!!!!! 

At my appointment, they asked if I had any cramping, which I have had for the last 1.5 weeks.  Its been a cramping/achiness in my lower uterus near my scars, and I had chalked it up to annoying acreta stuff.  I was always noticing it, but it was bearable.  So Nurse Kathy (who is AMAZING btw) talked to me for a while.  I asked her about my risk of bleeding at home (which is a big worry to me when I am home alone with the kids A LOT) and she had asked dr and he said HIGH, like 60/70% chance.  That wasn't very reassuring.  I also asked about when I would hospitalized for sure, and she said they would admit me any time I didn't feel comfortable being at home anymore.  Like if I had wanted to today, I could have been admitted for duration of pregnancy.  I guess that tells you how serious it is, just bc they don't usually tell you to come stay at the hospital whenever you feel like it.  She then asked me if I thought that cramping/achiness could be contractions and I was like "nope, no way.  I don't feel any hardening of belly.  Its just located along bottom of uterus.  Isn't even happening THAT much" etc, etc.  So she called doctor and he recommended monitoring for an hour.  She told me it was up to me and if I was sure it wasn't contractions, I could go on my way....I told her she was the boss and to do with me whatever she thought I needed.  Well she said for some assurance, she would love for me to be monitored just to make sure it wasn't contractions. 

So I went to WETU (women's evaulation and treatment unit) and I felt silly for having to put on a gown and all that, since I was only staying an hour tops....but I put it on, layed down and they hooked me up to the monitors.  SO i felt that achiness/cramping.....and then a few minutes later I felt it again....and then I felt it again....and so I looked at the contraction strip (had been watching TLC, thinking this was going to be a waste of my time) and there are contractions on there!!  I kept having them, and was having them about every 3 minutes.  Some were worse then others.  I am thinking I must have only felt the big ones when I was sitting up/dealing with kids stuff, bc I would have definately said something if I noticed these were happening THAT frequently!

So one of my maternal/fetal doctors came in and told me that he was giving me some calcium beta blocker to relax my uterus....and that I would also be sent for another ultrasound to measure cervical length.  He explained that he DID NOT want me contracting, just bc any action in my uterus could cause parts of my placenta to pull away and bleed.  He was very happy though that I wasn't showing any signs of bleeding yet.  He also said the contractions might be caused by some bleeding going on IN uterus...bc the uterus will contract if there is a collection of blood in there that needs to get out.  I haven't noticed ANYTHING though, so hoping its just my uterus being wonky.  Weirdly enough, even when pg with the twins, I NEVER had consistent contractions like this.  I had c-sections bc I never could get into any kind of contraction pattern to dilate, even on pitocin.  Just weird.

So I got my first dose of meds and Nurse Kathy came to wheel me to ultrasound again, saying "I hope you don't hate me" laughing.  I told her that I couldn't believe I was actually having contractions-and she just said that she was glad I went to get monitored!  So my ultrasound showed that my cervical length is at 3.1 cm (at 29.5 weeks).  I had a cervical length u/s at 26 weeks when I came in for the bleeding, and that one had been 3.6 cm.  So my doctor said that it was shortening, but normal for gestational time period and that he was happy with it.  Went back to WETU, hung out there forever, got a 2nd dose of meds (get them every 4 hours) and they told me I would be monitored one more time and I would probably get to go home with a prescription after that.  So I got monitored again, and was still noticing the cramping, although it wasn't as strong as before....and the strip was still picking up little contractions here and there (not as regular as before).  My doctor came in and told me I was being admitted overnight, just bc they don't want me having any contractions with everything else I have going on. 

So here I am.  I noticed contractions here and there last night...but by midnight (and about 2 more doses of meds) my uterus is quiet and not one contraction was picked up.  YEAH!  Getting monitored again in 30 minutes and I am hoping that it doesn't pick up anything...bc that will tell doctors whether or not I can go home. 

Of course, I am starting to wonder WHEN I should be admitted, since they said its up to me....unless I have any bleeding of course.  Some days, I am extremely nervous being at home with the kids by myself (mostly at nights-just scared of a big bleed starting suddenly), but I LOVE being home around my kids.   They make these days go by much faster!  I guess I am just going to play it by ear..and symptoms. 

Will update more when I know more.  Time to order/eat breakfast before I am stuck on a monitor for an hour!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Dwelling on the positive today....

Today I am going to think of all the fun things we are going to try to do this summer once this nightmarish delivery is past and we are enjoying our family of 8!  I am so excited that our family will finally be COMPLETE.  And now we can move on to experiencing life with our crew.  I just love my kids so much and I want to give them tons of experiences to enjoy this beautiful world around us.  I know they are going to grow up SOOOOO fast on me, and I want to make the most of every minute we have together as a family! 

I have a lot of things I want to do, but the biggest on my list is to take a camping trip or two this summer.  I figure after I am recovered, it shouldn't be *that* tough to bring a nursing baby out anywhere.  Famous last words, right?  lol  I got a nursing cover, so I am excited to be out and about this time, only nursing a singleton.  Nursing twins  took over my life-its going to be a vacation only nursing one!  The kids LOVE the outdoors and there is a campground located right near the beach that I really want to try out. I have friends that spend weeks up there.  I don't want our summer to be sitting in the ac, watching tv.  When the kids are stuck inside the house, they are jumping off the walls,  Outside, they are running and playing, and exploring nature, and NEVER want to go in.  We have loved camping in past years, but we have let our busy life get in the way too often in the last few years.   I want to get in as many of these "we never seem to have/make time for these kinds of things" experiences this summer/fall...and every spring/summer/fall after (maybe even one year, I could learn to appreciate these freezing cold, snowy winters that I personally do not love very much.)  This experience has taught me to SLOW DOWN.  Life is too short as it is, and most of life's busy-ness adds little to no value to our life.  

This summer, we would love to spend at least a few days at our favorite place in Maine as well.  Usually we spend a whole week there in June (when rates are the cheapest), but obviously this year, that is very OUT of the question for June.  Instead, hoepfully we can go up beginning of September maybe....maybe even end of August.  The kids want to go boogey boarding and crab fishing and swimming and play on the beach.  And I can't wait to enjoy the sights and smells and sounds of the ocean.  Awwww, bliss!!! 

One last thing I want to do is spend LOTS of time out and about at local parks.  We have one within a mile of our house with a swimming pond that I know the kids would love.  Another one with a waterfall/stream that is not even 7 minutes away.   Yet another one with a duck pond.  I want to picnic it for lunch and get out as much as we can (this is after giving myself a little bit of recovery time of course).  I have had ENOUGH of being stuck in this house.  We have all this free (or nearly free) fun surrounding us, and I plan to take full advantage of it. 

Oh, and we do have some free Six Flags tickets (well for most of us) that I guess we will have to use at one time or another.  Funny enough, I am not looking as forward to that as I am all these other things. I know Six Flags will be hot and busy and loud and crowded and EXPENSIVE (free passes or not).  The thought of Six Flags gives me little to no thrill, but the kids have been really wanting to see what its all about (since it IS located within the same town that we live in-talk about torture, driving by it all the time!)   Guess we will have to throw that somewhere in our near future plans.

So much to look forward to this summer/fall.  Its hard to picture Ansen being here...I have spent so much of this pregnancy doubting that he would actually make it into this world that its going to be very surreal to me when he IS here, part of our family, and in my arms.  When I think of the first moment I will see him, I start to cry.  Every time.  After all we have gone through....its hard to imagine we might actually accomplish that impossible feat.  I can't wait to have all SIX of my children together for the first time...and then for us to enjoy all our days together every day after!   Definately need to focus on that goal; gotta keep those down days from ruining my spirit.  I NEED to focus on potential positives in the making-there is a much better chance that bc my doctors are fully aware of my situation, that I will be enjoying the positives rather then the negatives.  Positive thinking is a must!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Lately, seems like I have more down days then up....

I don't know why that is and I don't like it one bit.  I am usually a very positive person.  I feel bad that most of my blog is something depressing about this or that.  I would rather not blog about any of the bad stuff and just keep the happy, hope filled parts of my blog...but I need to express all this going on in my head somewhere.  And I talk to Doug about a lot of it and he is SOOOOO optimistic....and I certainly appreciate his optimism. I just want my story to be one of hope and faith, but I am spending a lot of my days feeling like I am all alone, drifting in the middle of the ocean, struggling to keep afloat.  Today I woke up, and started thinking of what it was going to feel like being put to sleep for the surgery, what I would say to Doug before it happened (do I tell him not to hate Ansen if something happens to me??), what would happen to me during this...would I just wake up and feel pain and know I am alive, or would I just fall asleep and be done with the whole thing, and it just started my day off VERY poorly, to say the least.  Hence I had to get up and out of bed really early this morning to take my mind off of stuff. 

My kids are a great distraction most of the time, in that I spend most of my time snuggling, changing diapers, breaking up fights, answering questions, wiping noses, reading, critiquing art, teaching how to cross stitch, helping reconnect trailers to trucks, etc  When I am with my kids, I don't have much time to think...and at this time, I don't want to think.  I just want to enjoy the "now".  Its part of the reason why I am not looking forward to an extended stay at the hospital if that is to become my future reality...all that alone time, all that time to think about all this.  Just this morning, those few minutes alone with my thoughts have tortured my whole day.  Watching the kids blowing bubbles into their milk and making a huge mess right now is a very WELCOME (messy) distraction. 

On another blog, a fellow acreta mom had many signs from God that everything would be okay.  I am just hoping that maybe one of these days, I can have some kind of similar reassurance here.  At the beginning of the pregnancy, I had a few instances that helped strengthen my faith and got me through the beginning.  But since I have been officially diagnosed with acreta, then increta, and then suspected of percreta as well, I have been feeling all alone.  In the hospital, when they were talking delivery at 26 weeks, I was terrified and completely alone.  Just felt like everything has been spinning out of control, more and more...and I have no control anymore over any of it at all anymore.  Haven't had anything that has made me feel like this is definately going to be okay.  I instead start to question whether or not I made the right choices for me, Doug and the kids, albeit I have certainly made the right choice for Ansen.  And I try to have faith that God is with me this journey and that we will all make it through.  But why do I feel so alone then????  Can't I just have a little something....anything to reassure me here???

For the last few months, I have wondered if I should go on antidepressents, but its not like some magic pill is going to make me feel dramatically better.  This is no chemical imbalance I am feeling.  Its a sucky, depressing situation that no one in their right mind would want to get into that I am stuck in.  And unless I had a take away your memory pill to take, I highly doubt any of the downs will go away until this entire situation goes away.  I made my bed, now I have to lay in it...and I am just left to stay afloat while I hope for the best.  And think of the miracle of Ansen's existence.  And try to focus on the "could be" future we might be able to accomplish...a future that includes our entire family of 8, enjoying each other and living a meaningful life TOGETHER. 

For anyone that does read this, I am sorry I can't spill out sunshine and rainbows at this time.  Quite honestly, it was easier to be optimistic when I didn't know for sure that we were dealing with the worst case scenario.  And now, each day we get closer to bringing Ansen into this world with bigger, strong lungs means another day I am closer to finding out what the end of this story will be.  I certainly want the whole thing OVER (my uterus is aching ALL the time at the bottom, my bladder is aching, and I have to pee every 20 minutes), but I am SOOOOOO not ready for any not so happy endings to occur either.  I love my husband, I love my children, I love my family and friends...and I love my life.  I haven't learned enough.  I haven't experienced enough.  I haven't lived enough.  I haven't appreciated and been thankful enough.  Honestly, the happiest moment of my life will be when I wake up from surgery IN PAIN and ALIVE!  Because then, I will know this whole nightmarish pregnancy was 250% worth it.  That will be a wonderful moment indeed....

Friday, April 16, 2010

29 weeks today...

and another week closer to some healthy lungs for Ansen.  Thinking of Kylie's dream she had the other day (about Ansen at ~1 year old, Kylie said she was making him laugh in his stroller and then I was there, helping him walk around) and I am just feeling more optimistic about the whole thing today.  I need to have faith that God hasn't left me to deal with this alone.  I have some amazing doctors that have dealt with this all before and I have amazing family and friends that have been SUCH a huge help, blessing, and support to us at the time, and I have wonderful kids who think I am the greatest mom for giving them one last little brother.  They are so excited about Ansen. 

Caden keeps saying "now I will have my own baby" with a big smile.  He says that because when the twins were born, the girls each took on one of them as their "baby".  Kylie took on Rylan and Elise took on Gavin. Back then they would want to hold them and change their diapers and now they hold their hands in public and such.  Caden is beyond thrilled that Ansen is HIS scary as this is, when I see him beam with pride about "his baby", I am glad that we are evening out the teams with a 6th.  My three boys were sitting in a row, in their matching jammies, watching tv and I could just picture one more little boy in there, and two VERY protective big sisters watching out for them all.  I can't wait til this is ALL a distant memory and I can fully enjoy and live life with this beautiful family we have been blessed with.  We just need to make it through this horrible delivery.....

Here's hoping we have a few more weeks til we even have to consider delivery though.  Things seem to be pretty quiet right now....when I try to move around too much, I get some warnings that I shouldn't, so I have been pretty good with the bedrest  lately.  Its BORING though, but its only for a short period of time.  I am just glad to be surrounded by my babies.  Even when they drive me crazy, they are the bright light on a dark day. 

Thursday, April 15, 2010

my heart is breaking...

Kylie has been watching this movie called Mary that my mother in law brought.  Its the story of Mary and  Jesus.  There is a LOT of death involved, which I wish I had previewed BEFORE she had watched it and maybe saved the movie for a later.  Joseph ultimately dies, John the Baptist, Jesus, etc.  For some reason, the part when Joseph dies has started really freaking Kylie out, and yesterday she just started bawling out of the blue and said "I don't want you to die  Mommy".  Of course, this started my anxiety up, bc I have yet to tell her ANYTHING that is going on at all.  I asked her why she would even be thinking that, and she mentioned that she doesn't want to get older, she doesn't want me to get older, and she doesn't me to die like Joseph.  She just kept crying and I just held her and hugged her and told her that I was there with her now and to try not to worry about the future.

But I AM worrying about the future.  Google placenta of the leading causes of maternal morbidity and mortality.   I keep reading the same horrible placenta acreta/increta/percreta article that mentions that too many moms will end up "laying on the cold slab of a morgue".  I don't mean to keep clicking on it, I start looks things up and this article always pops up first and I must have a short term memory, bc I always forget that this particular article is one VERY biased and against c-sections in general and certainly not reassuring in the least.  *sigh*

I am just getting anxious again.  I am scared.  My biggest risk for this delivery is hemmorhage, and I am glad that my doctors have made plans on how to control bleeding (balloons in my uterine arteries that they can blow up to help slow down bleeding)....but I am still scared of the unknown.  I just want this whole thing over so that I can return to my normal life.  I don't want something bad to happen and me to ruin Kylie's life.  I go back and forth between loving this baby and wanting to protect him, to wanting to be OUT of this situation, just bc I love my other kids and Doug so much as well, and the last thing I want to do is leave them and ruin their lives.  I want off this terrifying ride!

This whole situation just majorly SUCKS.  I wouldn't wish this torment on my worst enemy.  I am trying to stay optimistic and I want my happy ending, the one where no matter how much bladder I could lose, that I am alive to be wife to Doug and mother to my 6 beautiful children that I love more then anything.  And then I have Kylie begging me yesterday and now today not to die ever...asking me
"when will you die..not til you are 100, right?".  And I  get scared and I suddenly don't know what to answer, bc my heart is breaking in two pieces...but I simply respond "lets enjoy our today together and not worry abou tomorrow yet please".  Thats all I know how to respond for now.  :(

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

tiny little updates and another picture

Had my 3 hour GTT again...and passed it again!!!  YEAH!!  I was worried bc I was much more nauseous this time after the drink, but I still passed.  If I HAD had gestational diabetes, it would have made things much trickier when it came to delivering Ansen early, just bc GD effects/slows organ development and they are planning on deliveirng Ansen no later then 36 weeks.  One less thing to worry about.  Phewwww.

Had another ultrasound today, just to check on Ansen and he continues to do well, despite everything going on.  He was sleeping with his face smooshed up against my placenta...his soft, cozy pillow I guess.  I got a great profile pic and I have been analyzing who he looks like.  I still have no idea though.  My placenta is such a mess in there, its along the whole bottom of my uterus and it just looks terribly looks liked its piled up on itself (not spread out like a normal placenta) and I am very surprised that it is working as well as it is.  I had a new tech and she took one look and was like "augh, thats not moving...have you been checked for acreta?"  Anyways, I have another appointment with doctor and and another ultrasound in 5 days...I am glad I am being watched so closely, just bc I feel like a ticking time bomb.  Yesterday and today have been pretty  normal though, no funky issues going on with me...and it gives me hope that *maybe* I can make it to 36 weeks....maybe???

Anyways, here is my newest profile pic of Ansen, taken today at 28 weeks, 5 days.  I am SOOOOOOO excited to be days away from 29 weeks...getting closer and closer to 30 weeks each and every day.  Thank you God!


Monday, April 12, 2010

read 2 successful acreta and percreta birth stories today...

and feeling quite a bit more reassured.  Neither story was easy at all, but both mamas are ALIVE, on the mend, and have two healthy babies to show for their stories.  And it just reassures me that hopefully, I too, can be a success story.  That our story can be a success story.  Going through something like this really puts life in perspective. Life is so short and so precious.  All lives.  My life.  Ansen's life.  Everyone's life. 

I was reading an article in a homeschooling magazine I got the other day.  Do you ever feel like things fall in your lap for a reason?  When I had bleeding at the beginning of pregnancy and I was told to terminate/that I was miscarrying, the sermon for the week was about not trusting the "experts" in life as much as you were to put all your trust in the one and only true expert of life, God.  It gave me hope when I felt little.  Throughout this pregnancy, little inspirational messages have found their way to me in one way or another, and usually JUST at the time that I needed them most.   The homeschooling magazine was a freebie to try out, that I signed up for MONTHS ago.  I had totallly forgotten about it, it was so long ago.  And then it showed up, and I finally got around to picking it up and looking through it.  And one of the first pages I read was titled "Easy Streets and Long Roads".  It was about characters in the Bible that were pushed to extreme journeys of faith, and how their path was certainly not easy, but was rewarding at the end.  One excerpt that really spoke to me (and I quote, from Home Educating Family, 2010 issue 1).

"It was in the toughest acts of faith that these men and women came closest to God and found life's deepest meaning.  It was not the provision of comfort of happiness that led them to a deeper knowledge of God-it was often the lack of it.  Is it possible that a life where everything stays calm and unchallenged isn't what we really need?  Does peace mean as much if we never experience calamity?  Do our hearts ring with gratitude if we are never in want?  Does happiness bring as bright a smile if we never taste sadness?

This last 7 months, my life has been turned upside down.  Every day, I am reminded of my own mortality in everything I do, in everything I say.  It effects every minute of my day.  I question whether I chose the "right" path for me, although I am sure I chose the right path for Ansen.  What can I say...I am scared and I have NEVER had to deal with anything like this in my whole life.  Its scary throwing myself at the mercy of my doctors and most importantly God, and hoping that there is a happy ending to this story.  But I can tell you that I am fully appreciating/savoring EVERY precious moment that I get to spend with Doug and my kids, with my family and friends, crafting and enjoying those simple little pleasures of life that I was too busy for many times before.  I spent so many years too busy with my life, and now I am seeing the beauty of the simplest of moments.  Every minute of our lives is a gift. 

Sunday, April 11, 2010

just have this feeling...

that I will be back in the hospital sooner rather then later.  And if I do back in, I won't fight to get out again.  I have been reading up on an acreta/increta/percreta board, and a lot of these women had major hemmorhaging all the sudden, necesitating immediate delivery.  Delivery averages for this kind of conditions are about 32 weeks btw.  Their doctors had put them in the hospital as a precaution beforehand, so they were right there when everything went awry. They are all telling me I really should be in the hospital, just in case.   Now I am kinda feeling stupid for begging so hard to get out of the hospital.  *sigh*  Thats not the only thing concerning me though.

I won't get into the nasty specifics, but the dr said as long as I don't have anything red coming out of me, I am good for now.  Well I am having more and more stuff daily making its way out and although it may not be red, its VERY concerning to me by the sheer amount of it and of course, me wondering what it is??  They said it would be some old blood, well this seems like more then just a little bit of old blood.  I have NEVER had anything that looked like this before in my life.  None of this is making me feel any good about what is going on with my placenta and uterus.  I have called up once about it and they said as long as its brown, its fine.  I am thinking if I have another large amount of it today, I will call them again though. I feel like a ticking time bomb.

With Doug being gone for 16 hours on his short day today (and 30 on his two long days) and with me being alone with the kids most of the time (family is coming at meals to make them/help with that), I am actually now terrified of a bleed coming on suddenly, especially at night....what would I do??  Obvioiusly, I would call my parents/mother in law, and hope they get here speedy enough. It makes me sick thinking about it.  I have all those little people dependent on me, and I am trying to do my best to keep up with them, while on bedrest (which is just about the impossible task)....and I have no control over any of this.  It just feels like a recipe for disaster at times.

I have been hoping and praying that if God needs me in the hospital now or anytime soon, He will show me in a way that is a non major emergency kind of way. Tomorrow I am going to give maternal/fetal office a call and see when my next appointment is...I have an ultrasound on Wednesday, but have yet to hear about my next appointment.  Maybe I can get seen though, so I can specifically address all this stuff (that has of course showed up after my latest appointment). 

Thursday, April 8, 2010

thanks for the reminder-yes I know this is ALL my fault....

Doug is gone all of today and half of tomorrow....and I have been bored to tears here.  My sister stopped by, and I complained about our boredom and how much this all sucks, and she responded...."its your fault, they told you this would happen."  I reminded her that yes, when they told me to terminate my baby, they told me this COULD  happen.  Did I actually think that everything that could possibly go wrong would, leading me to this path of the journey??   I was fearful, but I didn't think it actually would all happen to me.  I know a lot of people are thinking the same thing as my sister.  I could have made one simple, different choice and be facing NONE of this.  Life would be simple again, I wouldn't have these dangers looming over my head, and my 5 other children wouldn't be jumping off the walls, bored to tears with me. 

I know my sister could care less about Ansen at this moment.  And its not that she doesn't love me, but she was on team terminate from the beginning.  She didn't understand why I didn't, especially with baby located in such a precarious spot and putting any chance of my life on the line to bring this baby into the world.  And I don't think its something I can ever explain to her or convince her of.  The second I saw that little tiny dot on the ultrasound screen with a heartbeat, I felt I had to fight for him.  If I had terminated, life would appear easier for me, but I don't think I would ever get over the guilt of not trying to give him the life he was fighting for.  28 weeks into this, I am certainly terrified at times, but I have peace in my heart that I have done the right thing, as hard as it is each and every day to face.  It IS all my fault...the whole thing, and I hope I don't ultimately have to pay the worst price for it, but I don't think Ansen's life is a mistake...not at all.  He wouldn't be here if he wasn't meant to be here.  When I was trying to conceive Kylie for many, many months (over 1.5 years)....I couldn't understand WHY it wasn't happening.  But it wasn't her time yet.  And when the right time came, she came.  And when it was their right time, Elise, Caden, Gavin and Rylan came.  And now Ansen has come....for us humans, it may seem like the wrong situation, the wrong time.  But God hasn't failed me yet when it has come to my life or the arrival of my kids.  So for now, I will full take and shoulder the blame for this "mess"...and I will hopefully cry tears of joy one day when this "mess" is safely in my arms. 

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

27.5 week dr appointment

All in all, I left feeling reassured that if I have to have the worst case scenario going for me, its good to know that I have a team of great doctors collaborating my care.  My MRI did not definitively show percreta, but my ultrasound was VERY indicative of percreta so they will move on as if this is definately percreta (placenta invading my bladder).  I have already met one of the specialists that will be there for sure and has dealt with percretas before.  If it is percreta, I will lose part of my bladder (they will NOT try to separate placenta from bladder-huge chance of hemmorhaging doing so) and will need a catheter for weeks, while my repaired bladder heals.  Before the surgery (like hours before), they are considering sending me for a uterine artery procedure, where they will thread balloons into the main arteries of my uterus (going in through my groin).  That way, if I start having some major hemmorhaging in surgery, they can blow up those balloons and cut off much off the blood supply to my uterus.  Its all kind of really scary stuff to hear, BUT its reassuring to hear how they are all thinking and talking and planning about how to deal with the worst case aspects of this scenario.  I just can't wait til this whole nightmare is over!

At my ultrasound, Ansen was practice breathing....which was very reassuring to see.  He LOVES to have his feet up near his head....its the position he is in every time we see him on ultrasound.  He was measuring 65% percentile at ~2 lbs, 9 oz....which is excellent, especially considering part of my placenta is over cervix and scars, which are areas of very poor/no blood supply.  Its amazing that everything can be going so wrong with my placenta/uterus, yet Ansen is growing so right.  I can't lose my hope when I am reminded of little miracles like this every day. 

They said they would LIKE to get to 36 weeks for my c-section, but of course, that depends on what transpires these next bunch of weeks.  Right now, I am celebrating one day at a time.  I can't imagine making it to beginning of June at this time, but anything is possible, right??  I am thrilled to be nearing 28 weeks for now...each extra day is a gift to Ansen, and another day for my doctors to make plans for me.

As for bedrest and Doug going back to work, quite sucks.  I am bored, the kids are bored....they are jumping off the wall, running around like crazies most of the day.  And I feel bad, bc they are used to our schedule of get up and go all the time, as am I.  Doug is gone for about 30-32 hours at a time, twice a week and then another 14 hour day.  It makes me nervous being by myself, especially if something was to happen, but I have to give it a try at least.  Especially if we end up with 8 more weeks of this.  I have my mother in law and my dad checking in on me on the days that Doug is gone....but its just much more reassuring to have my other half here.  We have had quite a few meals dropped off, which I am VERY appreciative of, and some friends gave us gift cards to the supermarket, which will be SOOOO helpful as well.  We are so thankful of all the great, supportive friends and family in our life.

I am not going to lie was much easier to do bedrest when I came back from hospital and Doug was still home for those 5 days after.  Right now though, we just need Doug to work, so that we can save our money up in case I do end back in the hospital.  If I am back in the hospital, Doug won't be able to work.  No one can stay here 5 nights a week to watch kids with Doug's crazy schedule.  This is the time when I wish he could have a normal, go to work in the morning, come back in the evening kind of job.  But he doesn't. 

And so, I am sitting here, with the kids running around like crazy around me.  We had cheese and crackers for breakfast.  Will throw in a meal from freezer for dinner.  My house is getting more trashed by the second.  But I am home, with 5 of the most amazing little people ever (even if they are 5 of the CRAZIEST, most amazing little ever).  And Ansen is still growing within me, which is a blessing.  And my mother in law is in her way to keep me company right now.  Bedrest with 5 little kids and a husband that works 75 hours a week may be trickier to figure out, but its not impossible.   May not be the easiest...but very little of this journey HAS been easy. 

When I was in the hospital, my pastor stopped by to visit and brought me a little book that was called Looking up...While Lying Down.  There is one poem in there that I have really enjoy reading again and again. 

What God Has Promised

God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways, all our lives through.
God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer, light on the way;
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

We'll never forget our 30th birthday...

Doug and I share a birthday, same day, same year, same hospital.  Yesterday was the day that we turned 30.  I was adament that I wanted to be home from hospital on my 30th birthday...and I was.  But what. a. doozy.  First, I was bored out of my mind on bedrest, and then Elise started saying her tummy hurt.  And she started throwing up over and over and over again.  Then an hour later, Gavin is throwing up repeatedly.  An hour later, Caden is throwing up repeatedly.  And then all the sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I threw up and threw up...and then threw up even more.  The first 6 to 8 times, I was still doing okay, but then I started to feel REALLY bad.  Shaky, cold sweats, like I was going to pass out.  And some spotting started.  For 12 hours, I threw up.  I was feeling myself getting dehydrated, but I would drink and drink after I threw up, never pee, and 45 minutes-1 hour later, throw it ALL back up.  I have NEVER had a stomach bug that severe in my whole life.  I called my maternal/fetal doctor twice during the night and the 2nd time they told me to come in for fluids.  Of course, that moment that I needed to go to hospital and I couldn't drive myself, then it decided to hit Doug fast and hard, followed by Kylie.  My mom called out of work and brought me in at 6 am this morning.  I was so weak and naseous.  I had so many ketones in my urine that I ended up getting 3 full bags of fluid and some zophran/m???  I am now home....again....with lots of brown spotting (all that throwing up didn't help matters at all) but since its not red, I don't have to be back at hospital just yet.  I still feel like I was hit by a truck.  All of us are lying around, lethargic and weak.  Good times.  Nope, won't be forgetting that magical 30th birthday of ours.  How could we?

I am getting very bummed about how poorly things have gone in this last week.  And now I am just sitting around, bored out of my mind AND now feeling weak and nauseated, feeling like a ticking timebomb, that could bleed again at any time.  Its only a matter of time before I am sent back to the hospital for the rest of the pregnancy.  Why did we have to get hit with a severe stomach bug, not even 24 hours after I got home???  Why is everything going wrong??  Doug goes back to work on work as long as he can until I end up back in hospital.  If/when that time comes, he will have to use FMLA.  We have no other options-Doug's schedule is insane, having him out of the house 5 nights a week.  Who is going to practically live with our kids full time for weeks??  So that is what we have decided and I have some peace that the kids won't have their lives totally ruined if I had to be hospitalized.   I keep hoping there is a light at the end of this L O N G, difficult to travel, tunnel.  I am still hoping for our happy ending.  Its just VERY hard at times to remain optimistic when it feels like we are continually being beat down by life this last bunch of months... and our birthday was just the icing on the "cake" for the time being (although who am I kidding-there was no cake yesterday...we were WAY too sick for cake).  *sigh*