but really, finding out about this new option and me very potentially not being able to breastfeed has just sucked all the life out of me. Its really taken away the last thing I was looking forward to. Besides being alive after all this I guess.. This whole pregnancy has been about me having to sacrifice everything important to me to give this baby his life. There were times that I didn't think I could get any lower...but I pushed on. For some reason, this news has just about collapsed me.
I know many people don't breastfeed and wouldn't understand how important it is to me, but its been what I have pictured this whole pregnancy...the light at the end of the tunnel. Getting through this and then having something beautiful and normal FINALLY happening for Ansen and I. And now, instead, my "normal" will probably be taking cancer drugs for months while bottle feeding, all while dealing with the effects of still having my distended uterus and placenta all left in me, while my placenta dies off, dealing with risks of infection and crazy bleeding, and perhaps side effects to these drugs I will be on as well. Oh, and can't forget healing from my huge vertical incision, only to need another later surgery. Such a touching, heartwarming future to look forward to.
Can't I just have one thing go right for me here??? The only choice I have gotten this pregnancy is the one whether or not I wanted to end Ansen's life. And since I chose to fight for his life, I have had to give up on having any more say in this pregnancy or my body. If the gyn-oncologist wants to choose the easier option for her (not even looking in to see if placenta has gone out and attached to bladder/not wanting to see if it could be somewhat easily detached and removed) but instead not touching anything and just simply closing me up, its her choice, no matter what I may want. I have to let them put me to sleep and do whatever to me. I give up. Throwing in the white flag. This pregnancy has officially stolen every last bit of joy out of me.
Every last bit of "me" has been removed at this point. I am stuck in this crappy reality show now, where everyone BUT ME gets a vote on what they want to do to me. WHY CAN'T I HAVE ANY SAY IN ANY OF THIS????? I can't even express how helpless I feel. Monday I will go into my appt with maternal/fetal medicine, probably cry a ton about this all while still trying to beg not to leave my placenta in me (all I ask as that they try as hard as they can to make sure there are NO other options before doing this), and I am now sure I will get 100% nowhere. Because what is important to me doesn't matter to anyone else. I am just a patient. I am just a statistic. I am just one big risk. That is it.