While laying in bed last night, I decided...

That I am going to spend my last 6 days before my surgery convincing myself that I WILL SURVIVE THIS.  Bc even if I wasn't meant to survive, what are the negative thoughts doing for me at this time??  Since last week (and finding out about fellow percreta mama's death), I have been so down...and its just been stealing a lot of the joy I should be enjoying in my life.  And to tell you the truth, I still think that there is so much of this journey that has alluded to me living when all is said and done.  Why would God work so hard in the beginning to lay it on my heart to get to this hospital, to end up with these doctors.  They have saved Ansen's life (from termination) and now I am ever hopeful that they will also save mine.  I know I can't be promised this outcome, but I will try my best to believe it.  And believe in that feeling of peace that is always surrounding me.  If I can convince my mind, body and soul that I WILL SURVIVE THIS, maybe my mind, body and soul will fight that much harder at delivery, even when I cannot consciously do so myself.  I don't feel like my work is done yet in this world.  I have so much good to share with the world, especially after all these amazing life lessons I have learned.  For the last few weeks, I have been debating buying something for a project until after surgery...just in case....but now, today, I am going to send Doug to get it.  Bc I WILL need it.  Bc I WILL SURVIVE THIS.  Off to go enjoy my beautiful life, my beautiful family, and the beautiful world all around me this long weekend before my surgery.  The surgery I WILL SURVIVE.