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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

heading home for bedrest!

Going to take it easy and hope that I can get a bunch more weeks out of this pregnancy, while my doctors make plans for this ultra challenging delivery.  I really do not want to be back at this hospital any time soon, but any side of bleeding and that is where I will be.  It was kind of discouraging to hear maternal/fetal doctor tell me that bleeding could be life threatening bc of my placenta.  *sigh*  I am glad that they are willing to give me a chance to rest at home though, with the 6 most important people of my life and I am going to do nothing but rest....anything to avoid being back here anytime soon!!!  Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. 

Monday, March 29, 2010

How am I feeling?

Most of the time, I have a sense of peace about my delivery.  Even though I have now been diagnosed with pretty much the worst case scenario (placenta percreta), I spend about 90% of my time feeling confident that everything will be fine in the end.  Its just this weird sense of calm that comes over me.  Of course, the other 10% of the time, I start feeling human and worrying about my own mortatlity, start thinking about the worst case "what ifs" and get myself really freaked out.  And those times are NOT fun!!  But mostly, I feel like Ansen and I will be fine at the end of this all.   Doug feels the same way. 

I am in NO WAY looking forward to this delivery at all, especially the moment before I have to be put to sleep.  I want to cry thinking of that.  I am sure that will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in all of my life; to give that moment to my doctors and ultimately to God and then to have hope that I wake up at the end of it all.  I just need to keep my faith and hope in all this.  I like to think about the future-about Ansen being 2 years old, and me ALIVE looking at him with love and amazement, remembering the efforts and miracles it took to give him that life. 

So all in all, I guess I am feeling a bit of everything.  I never would wish the magnitude of feelings I have going on anyone...its a lot for one person to take.  I am just hoping I am strong enough to get through this all in the end-hoping that at the end, this story can be one of inspiration, hope and faith. 

Saturday, March 27, 2010

We are definately in a tricky place now....

So first of all, the bleeding has stopped as of early this morning, so that is a huge blessing.  Perinatologist said it could start again anytime...usually there is no warning, but everyone is more optimistic now.  Yesterday that we learned that I have definite placenta increta (placenta grew abornally through my uterus), and what they are pretty convinced is placenta percreta.  My ultrasound of my bladder showed a wavy area of bladder which does not look normal, which is the area that they think has been affected by my placenta.  Thankfully, it appears to be a small area of bladder so far.  This makes my surgery about as tricky as a surgery can get.  I have to be put to sleep, which is absolutely terrifying to me.  I am so afraid of not waking up again.  I have to have a classical incision, so they can get into everything in there.  I have to have a gynecological oncologist and urologist there to repair my bladder, bc whatever has placenta attached to it will have to be removed.  I will have to have a catheter for weeks afterwards (which at this point is little worry to me compared to the not waking up fear of mine).  NICU will have to be there, perinatologists there.  Its going to be a circus. 

They do no want to deliver Ansen now for many reasons...obviously, a lot of being he is only 26 weeks and 1 day today. We have had two steroid shots, which should help him dramatically if he needed to be delivered soon. NICU came and told me at 26 weeks, he has an 89% survival rate....which is reassuring, but he could have many problems after birth, including brain bleeds and severe respiratory distress. Makes me feel guilty bc he is moving all around, content and oblivious that he might be thrusted into this world way too early. Another big reason they don't want to deliver me yet (ESPECIALLY not in an emergency situation), is bc they need that specific team of people there at my delivery. The maternal/fetal doctor drew a line on my stomach with arrows as to where to cut, in case he is NOT at hospital and emergency arises ...but it would make for the best case scenario for them and me if they could have this on a scheduled basis.

  Of course, they don't want to schedule at 26 weeks either.  So right now, its a wait and see how much time we can buy Ansen while keeping me safe kind of thing.  Right now, goal is to try to get Ansen to 28 weeks, and then go from there. 

I am scared at times.  Okay, actually terrified whenever I think about it.  For both of us.  They told me I need to designate a health care proxy and gave me the paperwork.  I just was not mentally prepared of any of this right now.  I figured I had months until I REALLY had to worry about all these scary things and now its all rushing at me.   Yesterday morning at 4 am, when I had my biggest bleed, everything was happening so fast.  People were in giving me another IV, having me sign consents, anesthesiologist was looking at back of my mouth and explaining general was just terrifying.  And I was hopeful that I wouldn't have to deal with the worst case scenario....and of course, that is just what is happening.   Yesterday I was wheeled by the nursery on this floor as I was going to MRI, and I saw those perfect little babies in the nursery and I just feel sad that its going to be precarious for both Ansen and I.   Still hoping really hard that there will be a happy ending for both Ansen and i at the end of this journey.  Hoping and praying for that.  Hoping God has big, bright plans for both of our futures.  I am very appreciative of all the prayers and offers for help we have gotten since this whole thing started days ago.  Thank you.  Thank you.  THANK YOU! 

Will update more whenever I have more to share.  For now, I wait.  Happy 26 weeks and 1 day to you, Ansen!

Friday, March 26, 2010

placenta percreta and premature baby....

I am bleeding now, and am in the hospital on strict bedrest.   I have also been diagnosed with placenta increta/most likely percreta as well.  And Ansen is just 26 weeks today.  Trying to keep the bleeding to a minimum so that we can give Ansen a few more hours...a few more days...whatever we can.  I am terrified.  Will post more later when I have more time.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

*sigh of relief*

2 days away from 26 weeks.  Viability.  This last 6 months, I have been holding my breath, wondering if there would a baby at the end of this journey.  As we reach this important milestone, it starts now to seem much more likely that all this craziness might actually be worth it.  Honestly, its hard to believe how far we have come...and although the road ahead is still at times quite scary, the fact that there might actually be a live baby at the end of this really starts to give me hope. Every week after now will be a huge blessing to Ansen and to me.  Each week will be a week to celebrate.  And to let Ansen grow bigger and stronger.  Thank you God for helping us get this far...and hopefully a bit farther yet. 

Ultrasound/appointment on Monday.  I am hoping that my ultrasound shows little/no change OR by some miracle, placenta/uterus border might show up better then it did last ultrasound, which would be a better diagnosis.  *Crossing my fingers* and hoping really hard. 

Enjoying my lack of internet at home, just bc I am getting SOOOOOOO much done.  Its nice not to have the temptation much as I miss having 24/7 internet of course.  Will be back to update after my appointment on Monday!   

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Moving day today!

Since I am pretty much useless with my placenta previa/acreta, I am soley responsible for keeping the kids out of both houses today for the big move.  Going to spend the day out and about, probably a good part of it at the park.  Just hoping that this move can go smoother then its gone so far.  All the extra expenses of the move are adding up and we do NOT need any more surprises (like our electrical/plumbing/toilet/microwave/dishwasher/freezer surprises).  *sigh* 

Not sure when we will have cable or internet at other house, and I am actually debating GETTING internet again.  I spend too much time on the internet.  Since I have a laptop that can go anywhere there is free wi-fi, I am considering doing my internet twice a week out and about instead.  I just don't get much on my todolist accomplished since I got this laptop for Christmas.  Yep, I am an addict.  I am doing nothing productive with my internet time...just a lot of time wastage going on here.  And I never feel good about it at the end of the night, when another day has gone by with little to nada accomplished.  So thinking of giving it a month, and seeing if twice a week internet excursions will give me enough of an internet fix. 

Will definately update when I have my next appointment, March 29th.  Hoping its not a terrible ultrasound...would love if my placenta looks the same/if not better at this ultrasound.  *crossing fingers*  Lots of questions to ask dr too.  Lots of stuff happening, so much to do, and kids to get OUT of the house right now!  Adios!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

always on my mind....

One of my best friends had an abortion in May.  I am 110% against ending a life and I begged and pleaded her not to, and I cried more then I have ever cried (well before this pregnancy anyways).  And in the end, she did it anyways.  I didn't know if I could ever talk to her again.   It went against EVERYTHING I believe life to be about.  I have always followed the mantra that life happens for a reason, and every child is a gift to us.  I just couldn't understand how she could call her own baby, her third child, nothing but the "potential of a baby".  We still talk all the time, we get our kids together all the time, but my heart still hurts all the time about it.  I NEVER bring it up bc honestly, I don't want to hear her  justification for it.  And I wonder all the time things like: "did she ever regret it?"  "how did she feel once the babies due date came and went?"  "has she asked for forgiveness...does she even feel like she needs forgiveness for this abortion?" 

The day she had the abortion was one of the worst days of my life.  I knew abortions happened in this world, but I knew well enough to stay away from anyone who would go through such a thing; I surrounded myself by like minded people and I never saw something like this colliding with my life.  And when I knew it was over, I saw that baby's whole lifepath (everyone they would bring joy to, everyone they would touch in life, the love and the laughs, his/her interaction with 2 other siblings, future family from this little one, etc) all the sudden erased.  And that was that.  It was like being punched in the stomach, the reality of the whole thing.

I keep wondering WHY I am still so deeply affected by this.  Last night, I was watching the Silent Scream on youtube.....I won't get into it, but its about this topic.  Why do I have to torture myself reading stuff about it/watching stuff about was her decision, why does it still hurt me so much??  When I had bleeding that started at 5.5 weeks and then I was told I needed to terminate this pregnancy at 6 weeks pregnant (the same time my friend terminated her baby's life), I felt like I was being punished by God for not trying hard enough to save her baby's life.  I was willing to do ANYTHING to give my baby a chance at life, and I fought.  And he fought just as hard.  Now, here I am, 24.5 weeks pregnant...with a frightening delivery to "look forward to".  And I am so grateful that I am feeling my little man moving all around right now as I type.  My little miracle boy.   But WHY am I still having problems processing/understanding my friend's choice....all these months later?  Why can't I just forgive and forget. 

I just don't get this world. "It's not a baby."  "It's a choice."  "It's just a ball of cells."  My ball of cells was not supposed to be here...first I was supposed to end my ball of cells, then I was losing my ball of cells due to a subchorionic hemmorhage, yet here my ball of cells sits within me, kicking me.  To her, it was nothing but ending a potential at life for a convenience factor.  To me, ending my ball of cells would have been like ending the life of one of my other children, already here on this Earth.   She had difficult life situations (going to nursing school with an unsupportive husband), but so did I (being told that I was at great risk for acreta bc of where baby implanted and wanting to be there for my 5 other children).  And here I wait now, kinda terrified at times, hoping and praying that my life will be safe bringing this little life into the world...whereas her life hasn't changed much seemingly from pre-abortion to post-abortion. 

So yes, I am having a hard time processing.  I don't want her life to be hard or unhappy and I think it majorly sucks that she felt so backed in a corner that the only way out of a hard situation was ending the life of one of her children (bc she really loves her other two and was initially excited about having a third and last child), but I also don't want my life to be this hard or unhappy for valuing the life of an unborn child as much as I do.  I am in this weird place, facing my own potentially hard and scary ending (which I ultimately hope is still happy), while processing that this goes on ALL THE TIME in this world, with seemingly "life goes on/its one big happy ending"....and that it doesn't even make half the population even blink an eye.  I just wish I could find a way to "turn my feelings off" from the whole abortion thing.   I used to be able to turn a blind eye to the topic.  And now its a part of my life, in this weird little way.  And I hate it.  *sigh*

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

fighting illness here...

being sick really reminds us how much we appreciate our health.  All of us have this horrid cough and mine turned into bronchitis.  Burning lungs, wheezy, getting nowhere cough...I really thought I would have my water prematurely break or I might start my placenta previa/acreta bleeding with all the hard coughing I did the last 5 days.  I am STILL coughing, but my body is finally winning this battle...and my cough is finally mostly productive. 

Now to add the fun, Rylan now has it...last but not least.  His asthma has already started flaring up since he showed signs of getting this cough last night.  We have started the abuterol treatments every 4 hours and I am just waiting and hoping he doesn't get too bad too quickly.  Its been months since he has had a bad asthma flareup, but considering how badly I got this, I will be surprised if he doesn't get it as bad, if not worse.  I can't even bring him to the doctors yet, just bc he is not that bad yet.  Last time I brought him in as a precaution (when he was just needing abuterol every 4 hours like now), they did nothing but send me home and tell me to watch him...and I ended up in the ER that night.  For some reason, he always gets really bad when night hits.  And since Doug is gone til tomorrow, makes me NOT look forward to the night at all.  *sigh*

Hopefully we will be back to enjoying our health REALLY soon.  Its supposed to be gorgeous out today, and I am not even sure if we should go out.  I always like to stay near our nebulizer when Rylan's asthma rears its ugly head.  Guess we will, like always, just have to wait and see.  My favorite past time....

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Feels like we are running up a big hill....

This week has been crazy.  We were supposed to do a big move tomorrow, but thanks to  a wake, a pretty much all day funeral, and some crazy colds, we are getting a lot of nothing accomplished here.  *Maybe* Saturday??  *Maybe* Monday?  I don't know.  Doug took Sunday off or work, so he is off the next 4 days.  I want to be moved in asap so that we can FINALLY try to relax/chill out one of these weeks/months before the crazy delivery.  I feel so bad for my husband, bc he is doing so much with this move, and I truly appreciate it.  I just feel a whole lot of useless lately.  I try to pack a few boxes every day, I have thrown out a bunch of trash bags filled with way too much of our junk, but besides that, I do nothing.  Poor Doug has to do the brunt of the move, and he does it mostly with a smile.  He certainly rocks.  

I am trying not to think about the delivery for now.  Just makes things easier not to worry.  I have a B.A. in worrying though, its hard not to do what I do best.  But worrying doesn't make things any easier.  I just want to enjoy every minute of today, and *try my hardest* not to worry about tomorrow. 

I am 24 weeks tomorrow.  Ansen is getting more and more viable as each days passes.  I am so grateful that I have been able to get him this far, and I am hoping for quite a few more weeks/months.  I was just enjoying feeling him kicking and rolling around in there, in response to his dinner.  He always moves around the most at night-especially from like 9-11 pm....its so nice to be able to enjoy my quiet night moments with him moving all over the place.  I will miss the specialness of feeling that little life within me when its all over.  I am still amazed that I have been able to do this so many times.  Even though this is my 5th pregnancy, it doesn't lose its magic.  In fact, it seems *that* much more magical, bc I get to see how 9 months results in these amazing little people, who just continue to grow more and learn more each and every day. 

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Today is my grandfather's wake.  I should be sad that he is gone.  But instead, all I feel is resentment and bitterness over his passing.  I don't mourn him at all...maybe when I was younger, I mourned that I didn't have that other set of caring grandparents like other families did.  But then I accepted it and moved on.  I am forced to go to this wake and say "goodbye" to a stranger-I had to go in with my sister and brother to get flowers for our grandfather, due to my father's insistence that its the right thing to do.  You know what the right thing to do is?? Not picking and choosing your favorite children to father/grandfather. 

Ever since my mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia as a  young adult, her family has done nothing but try to casually brush her and us under the rug.  My whole 29 years of life, when we HAVE been invited to things, we have always been made to feel like the oddballs.  And we are part of a well-known family in town-yet very few outsiders actually know that we are flesh and blood.  This is the dynasty my grandfather helped create.  He had 5 children, and lived for his high achieving children...and there was my mom.  My poor mom.  I cry about thinking how alone she must have felt in her family.  And then she met my dad, who could still see her worth, through good and bad points of schizophrenia.  And our family was created.  We saw our family once a year at Christmas.  And only bc my mom would have bags of presents for her family, and we would stop over, to find some huge Christmas party going on...and everyone looking sheepish as we walked in.  And eventually my mom stopped buying presents.  And we only saw "family" at weddings and funerals.  That was it.  Even the Christmas cards stopped coming.  Yep, thats my mom's side of the family.  A few years ago, another one of my high achieving aunts suddenly lost everything, as she lost the battle against mental illness as well.  And can anyone guess what happened to her in the family??  She was outed sharply and swiftly from the family and their events, and suddenly, we were her only family left on that side.  The only ones who invited her to things, bc we KNEW her pain. 

My mom has schizophrenia.  But she is not SOLEY a schizophrenic.  She is a caring, loving, always concerned mom who loved us all deeply, no matter what mental hell she was going through at the time.  She loves and cares for my dad.  She loves and cares for all her granchildren as well.  She absolutely adores  new baby (ies) and is a proclaimed "baby hog".  We share many traits.  We both love blue cheese, we both spend too much time worrying,  and we both love crafts (although she is WAY craftier then me; she can draw, paint crochet, knit, cross stitch, embroider....she can do it ALL-I certainly didn't get all her talents, but I do get her love to craft).  They outed her so long ago for being imperfect, but guess what!  No one is perfect!  And my mom has a good heart...and anyone who would give her a chance would know that and appreciate it.

To my "family" on that side.  You know what pain and heartache is?? Hearing that your mom finally sucks up the courage to go say goodbye to a father she hasn't seen in years, one that deserted her long ago for being imperfect....and then she gets to the ICU to find out he has died several hours before.  Thanks for the call.  THAT'S heartbreaking.

At my grandmother's funeral 10 years ago (she tried a little bit harder to include my mom and us before she succumbed to a long battle with alzheimers), it was as if my mom was invisible.  Very few people offered my mom any kind of condolences...she was pushed to the side as the more revered family sat in the front.  I am really dreading seeing that again.    Although my dad swears it won't...that he is going to make sure that my mom is sitting right up there with them.   What does that matter though?  Its not like that is going to make up for all the years that my mom has been the black sheep of the family.  My cousins are all posting how much they are going to miss our its such a sad time for them.  Should I post on my facebook-  "Sorry grandpa that I missed you our whole lives-I'm sorry I was born into the wrong part of the family tree and I'm sorry that maybe now you can fully see the hurt you caused to so many of us."  Yes I know, that would be un-Christianlike.  Jesus was able to forgive those that ended his life.  So how do I get rid of this bitterness?

For the good things that my grandfather DID cause to happen.  Our treatment through the years helped us all appreciate my mom for who she is and not what her diagnosis was, bc we ALL felt the pain of being rejected and we had that empathy that some our family did not have.  It also helped us appreciate my dad, who was my mom's knight in shining armor out of a life of rejection and sadness.  My dad is crass at times and judgemental and quick to give his opinion at the worst of times, but he also cares and has a heart; and he saw the inward and outward beauty of my mom.  He has stuck it out through thick and thin (and we had some crazy years when my mom's schizophrenia was really bad).  This whole experience of having a "family" like this has done nothing but force us all closer together.  Many times, we will all meet out to eat or out to the mall or have a bbq together, just because and our times together, with my mom and dad and my sister and my brother and our growing familes, are precious.  I have five kids, just like my grandfather did but I have learned and I vow to NEVER exhault one above all others for greatness, nor reject one of my children for their shortcomings.  I don't want any of my children feeling the rejection we have felt our whole lives; the rejection my mom felt most of her life.    So I guess in a way, he has made me into a better parent then I might have been.  Thanks Grandpa!

So as the wake and funeral approach, I desperately want to find a way to bid my heart of this bitterness.   Its been best to just ignore it all these years, but now I have no other choice but to step up and face   "the family" again.  I am trying to be a better person.  When I found out my grandfather had days to live, I said a prayer, praying that God would forgive him for all that he has caused us.  But I don't want to be guilted into feeling like I have to lament the passing of this "wonderful man".  He helped create my mom, and I will be forever grateful for the life I was granted bc of that.  And thats about it.  Its like going to a stranger's wake and funeral, except I am expected to show some kind of feeling??  *sigh*  All I can hope and pray is that God can help me heal the bitterness brewing in my heart this last 29 years...and that I can look beyond the example of the rest of the "family". 


We are in the midst of packing and moving...back to our OLD house.  Yep, thats us who must secretly love to move.  We turned our lives upside down about 7 months ago, only to be moving back to our house 7 months later, with me being 6 months pregnant and pretty useless with my placenta previa/acreta.  The kids are SOOOOOO excited about being back in their house they loved though...and so am I!  Thank goodness our house didn't sell or rent out...funny how things can seem so to be going so wrong and so unfairly at one time, only to be a huge benefit to us in the end.  If thats not a sign that we are being taken care, I don't know what is. 

Kids' rooms/toys are packed and moved (minus bunk beds that will be disassembled/reassembled by the bunk bed experts), and most of bathroom is packed up and moved.  Today, I work on school books/school stuff/coloring books/puzzles/etc and maybe some kitchen stuff as well.  I feel really pressed to get moved as soon as possible...just bc as I get more and more pregnant, I am at more and more risk for bleeding and other complications thanks to the previa/acreta.   It feels like I am a ticking time bomb and I hate that.  Not exactly the final pregnancy I was dreaming about, thats for sure.  Bur if rhis is the way Ansen is meant to get here, so be it.  9 months of hell is worth a lifetime of joy. 

If I get enough accomplished this morning, hopefully we can spend the rest of the day enjoying the warmer then usual pre-spring temps of 55.  Thats practically shorts weather in New England!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Living each day to the fullest...

 But really, the truth is, neither you, nor I have been promised another minute.
Someone mentioned this to me, and I have been thinking about it a lot lately.  And its absolutely, positively true.  I need to stop focusing on the "what ifs" 3 months from now, and instead focus on today.  Yesterday morning, my grandfather was alive, and as night hit, he was not.  Life is so short and fleeting, And there is no "buzzer" that goes off when your time is over.  I need to see and appreciate each day in front of me as a blessing and an opportunity to make memories.  I need to stop ruining my today, worrying about tomorrow.  Who knows if tomorrow will come...for any of us? 

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sooooo thankful for my perinatologist and his nurse

I truly am thankful that God has lead me to this perinatologist.  You can read back posts on my blog, but I wanted to go to the smaller hospital I delivered the rest of my kids at.  And for some reason, when I had the bleeding initially at 5 weeks, I felt I needed to see a doctor out of this bigger hospital.  I didn't want to and I hated it, but I felt a NEED within me.  And I went with that feeling, as much as I didn't want to.  And I ended up with that horribly heartless doctor, that made me feel awful.  And again, I almost switched back to my hospital of choice.  My favorite hospital, the one that we still drive by and I smile at, missing the inside of those doors and the memories of the rooms within.  But for some reason, as much as I wanted to give a pracice out of my favorite hospital a call, I never could actually call.  I looked up the number and I had it on me....but I just felt like I had to wait this out.  And I didn't understand it at all, bc this doctor I had ultimately chosen didn't reassure me nor give me any warm fuzzy feelings.  It didn't seem logical, everyone told me to RUN from this doctor, yet I felt I had to wait. 

And one appointment later, I got completely transferred to maternal/fetal medicine.  I didn't want to be there at all and I felt really broken at the thought of having ALL my care transferred to them.  Was I THAT high risk??   I went into my first appointment with my new perinatologist, and I was majorly freaking out.  My blood pressure was through the roof.  And then I sat in the conference room and waited.  And freaked out more.  Wondering why I was here in the first place.  And then I met Dr. M. (this is good Dr. M, not the evil, eager to terminate, not so good Dr. M).

Dr. M reassured me right from the start.  He brought a sense of calmness and knowledge into the room.  And he didn't make me feel like he was judging me in any way.  He talked to me, answered all my questions, and reassured me.  He was just so nice and so understanding of my fears.  My next appointment, I didn't see Dr. M, instead I saw his nurse practioner, I will call her Nurse K, who was also amazing.  She was very personable, wanted to know everything about me, and really made me feel important.  At this last appointment, I originally was scheduled to see Nurse K again.  And when she walked in, I just started crying....and she hugged me, handed me a box of tissues, and told me to just give it a good cry before I talked.  And so, I blubbered out what the ultrasound had found, and she tried to reassure me that THIS is why I was here, getting the best care around.  And talking with her did make me feel a little better.  But I still had questions and was just plain scared.  And then she went out and called Dr. M (who was doing rounds in the hospital above us) and asked if he would come talk to me as well, to reassure me.  I think this just speaks loads about the practice I am in.  She could have just scoffed at my worries, or sent me off on my way, but she went above and beyond.  And Dr. M came down to talk to me, which I truly appreciate.  I can imagine he was probably pretty busy doing his rounds to come down a few floors to talk to me, but he did.  And once he walked in, he told me (in the calm, reassuring manner he has) that he had expected the worst case scenario and wasn't surprised and that I would have the best care.  He reiterated that it was better to know now and be able to make plans now, have the best surgeons on duty at the time, etc.  And even when he mentioned the scary things (like needing tons of blood at delivery), he helped clear up my tears enough so that I could tell him the story of how the last time I needed some blood, I craved Italian food for weeks (which made him laugh).  I left knowing more then I did going into the appointment, and feeling very reassured by the care I was getting (although not too thrilled with my new diagnosis of course). 

I am trying my hardest to stay confident that God is taking care of me and Ansen and there will be a happy ending.  I am certain God put it on my heart that I needed to be at this hospital this time, and He helped me choose a doctor, knowing that I would be referred to Dr. M and Nurse K.  He knew I NEEDED Dr. M and Nurse K and their support to get through the worst of this (which I am sure still is yet to come).  I already feel that their "care" goes above and beyond the normal care they are required to give in their jobs.  I appreciate it and I need it right now. 

I am so incredibly grateful that even when I feel alone in all this, I can find instances where God is still showing me He is still quietly but surely leading the way.  And that gives me some hope.  I like to think that that God wouldn't be working so hard at getting me to the right people if I wasn't meant to live through this tale. 

I am just having one of those days....

Of course, one of those days for me is a lot different then one of those days for anyone else at this moment in my life.  The day after my horrible ultrasound, I am feeling my own mortality.  And not liking it one bit.  I want off this ride!!!  But then I think about my sweet baby boy, who is fighting hard to get here.  He is one of the only things1 that keeps me from completely losing it.  Him and the 5 sweet kids I already have....and Doug of course.  But besides them, I feel completely alone.  Completely, utterly alone, stuck in my own mess I made myself. 

I can't really talk to many people about this bc no one understands why I have gotten myself into this situation in the first place.  I know many people think its my own fault.  Why couldn't I stay happy with the 5 kids I already had.  When I try to explain that I had the same feeling as I did before the other kids (the feeling that some little life was meant to be and wanted IN), I know what everyone is thinking.  Its not worth the potential for risk.  I should have thought of the 5 kids and husband I have first and foremost.  Honestly, if I had had foresight that this would be my DEFINATE future, I have no idea what I would have chosen.  But at the time, it was just a risk, depending on where baby implanted and what happened with placenta.  There is so much uterus to implant on.  Who would have thought that my baby would choose the absolute worst spot ever.  And that my placenta would find the right conditions in my uterus to do what its now doing.  Before any of this journey had begun, I thought of that little life and the life that had been laid out for him-Ansen was constantly on my thoughts, no matter how hard I tried to will him was as if he was begging me to giveI would give me to give him a chance to live.  And I thought intensely about which choice I would regret when I am this little soul a chance at life...or not.  Of course, now I am here begging God to hear my prayers and keep me safe, fully understanding that maybe I won't get to 80.  Maybe I won't even make it past 30.  Did I make the right choice?

I went to a board about acreta and asked some questions/told my story.  One woman responded back about her experience and said that she had great peace writing "just in case" letters to people she cared about.  And the tears started flowing here again.  I have thought about it, and it scares the hell out of me to consider it.  What would I write??  I would have to write Doug and beg him not to hate Ansen if I didn't make it, and I would have to write to the kids and tell them how special they are to me/how much I love them.  I wanted Ansen's story to be a testament of my faith and hope during the lowest of times, hearing God's whispers in the darkest of days.  But here I am feeling MIGHTY alone right now.  Instead of feeling more faith, I am left feeling lost and deserted.  What the heck kind of testament is it to my husband and kids if I have left them with a lifetime of sadness instead.  I feel like Ansen's life is so full of worth, but is it wrong/selfish of me to think my own life is just as worthy?? 

know I am not walking this walk alone, but it sure feels like it right now.  As I try to process the new road we have begun on this journey, I need to keep my faith and hope.  I can't lose who I am.  I hope and pray that I can find some kind of peace on this scary, broken road I am traveling.  Please, if you can, pray for me and this journey  And as I travel, feeling alone, vulnerable and terrified, I will try to remember one of my favorite poems, to show me that I am never truly alone.


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

"You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,

"The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you."

-Mary Stevenson-

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My not good news ~23 week ultrasound

Well I had hoped the worst had passed for this pregnancy and by some miracle it would be smooth sailing, but its not. And just last week, I had a dream with a much loved Gram of ours (that passed) and I asked her how the delivery would go, and she said it would be really difficult, but she would be there for me. I woke up kinda upset, thinking "didn't I already go through the difficult part?" Apparently not and apparently my dream was for real. :(

Today at my almost 23 week ultrasound, baby measured great at 1 lb, 6 oz. But the bottom part of my placenta (the complete placenta part) now has no margin between where placenta ends and uterus begins. It looks like one big placenta extending to bladder. This is NOT good at all. Combined with the fact that I have placental lakes in that area, I am pretty much now guaranteed a placenta acreta. Placenta acreta is when the placenta abnormally imbeds into the uterus...and there is usually no separating the two once that happens. Hysteroctomy is pretty much guaranteed and huge risk of hemmorhaging. I was going to donate blood for myself but peri said not to bother now...I would only be able to donate 1 to 2 units and would probably need like 9. I feel sick. That is not my biggest worry though. Now I have another 13 weeks or so to wait and watch to see if my placenta grows THROUGH my uterus and into my bladder, which would be even more dangerous...bc you can't just take out your bladder like you can your uterus. :( I was so hopeful that maybe I could avoid this and instead my worst fears/dreams are coming true.

I went into my peri appt after ultrasound crying and terrified. One of the first things I thought was how maybe I made a mistake not immediately terminating pregnancy like that first doctor had told me I had to do. And then I felt guilty for even thinking that, bc I am 110% against termination. What can I say though, I am human and I am scared. I know my baby boy is meant to be in this world and in our family...he has fought so hard to be here. I love him so much. I also love my other kids and my husband so much, and I want to be there for them after this. But its just that this pregnancy has been such a huge nightmare, from start to present. Why can't I catch a break for a minute here?? My perinatoglost tried to reassure me as best as he could, saying he expected the worst case scenario and that its best to know now and be prepared and that they would have a great surgeon there working alongside with him. I am going to have an MRI at 30 something weeks to see if placenta has grown out of uterus. I know I am in great hands, and I have great faith in God, but sometimes I fear that God is working so hard to get Ansen here, that he might forget about me. :( I don't want to say that I wish I never was pregnant with Ansen though, bc I believe with all my heart he was MEANT to be here. But I do hate being in this situation and wish it could have been different...maybe just a little *lot* easier.

Here are a few pics from my ultrasound today btw. At least he is not showing any ill effects from all he has been through...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Good stuff going through this house.....

Well Doug seems to have had a very mild stomach virus last night, then Rylan had it early this morning/today....and most of the rest of the kids have sore throats/stuffy noses and are just plain miserable!!  Now Doug is gone til tomorrow and I am left with some not so pleasant children.  *sigh*   Where are the rainbows and unicorns today?  Oh wait, with 5 kids, especially 5 sick kids cooped up in a WAY TOO SMALL house, I guess all our days can't be amazingly wonderful. I just wish when they kids were sick, that they would sit and chill out and rest...but instead they run around and fight and whine and pull on me instead.  Its an exhausting way to spend your day.  I am supposed to be throwing away stuff and packing, but it looks like instead of making progress, I will be doing little but fighting at keeping my sanity.  Oh well, there is always another day....

Monday, March 1, 2010

2 more days til another ultrasound, as well as random thoughts and hopes...

I am nervous...AGAIN.  And I am kind of in awe that my uterus that was mia all the sudden popped out of me now and is a good 6 inches above belly button at 22 weeks.  Hopefully thats normal/???  I remember growing this quickly with TWINS...not a singleton.  But I am 99.9% sure there is just one baby in there.  So why would I grow so quickly/so fast??? 

I am hoping that my placenta is still behaving itself in there.  That is what makes me most nervous about this ultrasound.  I am so afraid to hear the words "your placenta now looks abnormal/like a plecenta acreta/increta/percreta.  *sigh*  I hate that I have been holding my breath this whole pregnancy, and that I am STILL holding my breath now.  I will be holding my breath until this baby is safely in my arms.  And I am out of revovery, safe and sound myself.  Its all very stressful. 

Today I went to a funeral.  And it was terribly sad and depressing and hard to be a part of.  And the husband of MANY years sat next to his wife's casket the entire service.  And there came a time to pray and I prayed that God would keep me safe during this pregnancy and delivery.  Same old prayer, but I prayed harder then ever, bc I saw how this husband was hurting to be separated from his life partner.  That is the scariest thought that has entered my mind this entire pregnancy...the thought that my placenta could start to do something that actually endangers my life.  The thought of me being separated from my husband that I adore so much and my kids that are the world to me.  I guess if I was smart and used my actual brains, I would have stopped at 5 and made sure I NEVER had to worry about another risk again, no matter how big or small.  But instead, I had faith and I followed my heart, and brought this last little soul tugging at my heart into this world; I know in my heart he is worth it, but I just hope and pray that God's future plans include me and my health.

Please, please, PLEASE let my placenta be shown to be growing normally on Wednesday...if there IS any sign of abnormal attachment to my scars, please let it stay within my uterus, so that I can worry about getting over a hysteroctomy instead of worrying about a life threatening situation.  This journey has been so hard, from beginning to present....lately, its been especially tough on my spirit. I know that it will all be TOTALLY worth it.  I know this baby boy was MEANT to be...and his specialness will shine out of him and into our lives each and every day .  I only hope and pray that God thinks the same of me and my worth.....

*edited to add*  When I worry the most, the baby always moves the most.  Its kind of crazy.  Ever since I posted this, Ansen has been moving around like crazy.  The most he has moved yet.  Its like he is reassuring me that everything will be fine.  I am so grateful for this baby boy of mine!!!