2 days before surgery and I am just in a funk. The kids have been wild and crazy-twins are always screaming, fighting and throwing things, big kids are complaing more then they are helping, and my patience is just THIN. To top it all off, I have been sleeping like crap the last bunch of nights (I can't get to sleep forever bc my head is filled with thoughts...and then I wake up at least once a night/last night 3 times-to pee and then I start the whole thinking too much/can't fall asleep thing again.) Two days ago, I was having like an all day anxiety attack that kept coming and going (feeling like I couldn't breathe and such), but this last few days I have found that I just need to numb myself of the reality of the surgery being here in 2 days and the anxiety attacks fade (for the most part).
I just hate that I am feeling so annoyed by some of my kids' behaviors lately....I know I should be appreciating and enjoying every moment I have with them pre-surgery...and usually I do, but this last week or so, they have been really "off" as well. We go outside to play and then within 30 minutes they are fighting and complaining that they are bored and that they want daddy to come home. Bedtime has been horrendous, with them jumping around, telling me they need to use the bathroom 100 times, etc. I am just really discouraged why this last week, things have been so much harder...and why I can't look past it and just feel that joy I was feeling last week, the week before, etc. *sigh*
I have one more full day tomorrow before surgery. My last full pregnant day for sure. I don't know how I should be feeling. We have so much to do to prepare the kids to be watched by others and tomorrow is going to be crazy. I really could have used a slow day for sure though, but Doug had to work the last three days (I would have REALLY liked him to get today off, but he had to work it to get his triple pay for Memorial Day). Now everything is just one big crazy mad rush, and I am just not feeling ready for any of this at all.
Sunday, my pastor came over to talk about things and pray, which I was very appreciative of. My mom and dad were over and she asked them to let us have a few moments to ourselves, so they kept away. Afterwards, my mom asked "oh, did she want to talk about baby's baptism?" I have been trying to explain to my parents that this is NOT your normal surgery I am getting into....but my mom always chastises me that I am overreacting. I don't want to get them more worried then they need to be, but I am sick of pretending this is no big deal either. I have been doing that most of my pregnancy, trying to downplay the risks and remain optimistic for everyone else. Actually, I don't mind being optimistic if I didn't have so much pessimistic stuff bringing me down personally. It would be nice if I could hear something that resembled optimism tomorrow at my appt. Its my last appt and I am dreading it. How many more times do I need to hear about my great risks at this surgery. No one has done any additional tests or anything like that, but yet every time I go in, the visits get more and more pessimistic. I just want to go in and have the drs reassure me "this is going to be a hard surgery, but you will be fine." Is that too much to ask??
I know I am not alone in this journey, but I still spend a lot of time feeling very alone. I have done nothing that special with my life...my children are the biggest accomplishment, and then on days like today, I feel like I am getting it all wrong, and then I start to think about how much worse I could make their lives by leaving them. I could have made a different choice way back when, and my life would be SOOOO much easier to bear at this moment. Don't get me wrong, I find it very worthwhile the person I have become and God's work on my life for sure after such a journey, but after going through ALL this mental torment, and finding myself in this new, very worthwhile place, I feel its just cruel that I still have to fear the worst of all, losing my new and improved self...all those future moments of joy with my family and friends and with the world.
I am REALLY hoping tomorrow that I wake up on the other side of the bed. On the more positive, reassured, not feeling alone and scared and joyless, side of the bed. Hoping and praying that God will give me some peace to face these last 40 hours before my surgery; peace to handle this last leg of my journey strong and full of faith...and hope.