34.5 week appt

So today, I got to see Ansen blissfully sucking his thumb on ultrasound.  It was very soothing on my soul...this last few days, I have been focusing on the fear for myself and my other kids/Doug and not thinking as much about Ansen.  And then I look at this picture, and I think about how he is feeling happy and warm and loved inside me still, throughout all the chaos on my mind.  I am STILL doing something right here, no matter how much wrong my placenta may be doing, he is still well protected and nourished and just plain content. 

I keep having the same "it will be okay" feeling of peace, over and over and over again...even after hearing that horrible news about Kym.  But I still worry of course.  Today I had my appt, and the peri doing surgery (Dr. H) wanted to talk to my husband about things.  He had to let him know there was a chance of death with this and that as my healthcare proxy, he needs to fully understand at what point I would not want to live.  I have told Doug from the start that if there is even a CHANCE for me, I want to live.  Nothing like talking about situations of me being on ventilators and such to really get your spirits up high about your upcoming surgery.  I had bloodwork done today (CBC) to tell how everything is looking pre-surgery...hopefully iron is still nice and high.  I have to go in Thursday for another NST (non stress test) and a steroid shot...followed by a 2nd steroid shot Friday.

Next week is surgery week.  I don't know how I should be feeling.  I am glad the whole thing will finally be over, but I don't want everything to be over.  Really hoping I can survive this surgery AND my recovery (since Kym died during her recovery period-5 weeks after surgery :( ).  I had a quickie ultrasound by Dr. H (after ultrasound I had before appt), so he could check where my placenta is.  He should its going to be close as to whether or not he has to cut into placenta to get baby out.  My placenta extends almost all the way to the top of my uterus, as well as completely covering my cervix.  Its just massive and everywhere.  He is going to cut the very top of my uterus open and hope for the best that he has avoided placenta, bc if he has to cut into placenta, my bleeding will become pretty severe immediately. 

I might or might not have interventional radiology appt on Thursday as well...they are still deciding whether or not they want to do balloon catheters.  I am at the point that I figure what is meant to happen will happen...I can't stress about if I have catheters in or out, if I have placenta in or out, whether or not I can breastfeed, bc in the end, if I am alive and well for my 6 children and my husband, I will be forever grateful. 

As scary as things are, I still feel God's work and love all around me.  I still feel like I have grown into a much better person through this journey...and I GREATLY appreciate the new me.  I now truly "get" what life is all about.  In the last 2 months, I haven't been allowed to go shopping (one of the things that gave me some of my greatest joy before this-besides my kids of course)...I haven't been able to go much of anywhere actually...yet these last 8 weeks hope with my family have been some of my most joyful ever.  I am surrounded by the true meaning of life.  And what an amazing job I have, to love these little people and to  encourage them to stay true to themselves.  They live with such a joy and love for life already....I am learning more from then, then many times they learn from me.  Still hoping for the best here, so I can continue to live this beautiful life I have been blessed with and continue to be around all the incredibly people I am lucky enough to call my family and my friends.