*sigh*

First of all, my urology appt went exactly as I expected it to go.  There is some possibilities of major bladder repair needed (as well as a catheter for a good 2 weeks) but we won't know what will happen til I am opened up and a plan is decided for me.  Pretty much everything I already knew. 

So then, I had left that appt and was with my mother in law when I got a call from my dr, Dr. H, who is the maternal/fetal doctor performing my surgery on behalf of him and all the others.  First he wanted to talk about his discussion with oncologist.  She actually sent him his notes and she had put that most of the time she had talked about hysterectomy.  Which I agree she did talk it the entire beginning.  And then he said she had mentioned there was a slight possibility that she would just close me up and leave everything in me.  Which is also kinda true (minus the slight part), but THEN, at the end, she emphasized that if she opened me up and there was no bleeding that she wanted to get baby out and leave it all in.  I asked her quite a few times, bc I didn't understand what would be the basis of her decision if she didn't look around first and at least know for sure what is going on.  Dr. H figured I must have misunderstood her, bc "she can be confusing" at times.  Yeah, I'll agree with that!  I again mentioned that it just worried me that she would want to close me up without knowing exactly what issues we were facing, and he said that she HAS to at least look around first.  Then he asked me if I still wanted her at my surgery, or I wanted to meet her partner.  I said she was fine...its not like I have anything personally against her at all, and she has had tons of experience, I just wanted to make sure that she is on the same page with everyone else here. If I end up with my placenta still left in me, with no concrete reason why, I will NOT be happy.  But if I end up with my placenta left in me, and I am told they looked around and saw really dangerous blood vessels attached to things and placenta everywhere, well then I will be content that my best interest was surely in mind. 

Oh well, like usual, I look like the crazy in the end.  I wish Doug had been there with me at my appt, so he could have been another set of ears for me so that I didn't look like the irrational pregnant woman.  But whatever.  I know what I heard, and maybe she didn't intend for it to come out the way it did, but it did. 

Anyways, then Dr. H started talking about how the oncologist was unhappy that my husband wasn't there at the appt, since its such a serious thing.  And that Doug hadn't been to ANY of my appts was concerning to him as well.  He wanted to know if Doug was aware of all that is going on and why he hasn't made it to any of the most recent appts.  I explained that since we have 5 kids, its easier for Doug to watch the kids and me to go to the appt and I assured him that I HAVE been upfront with Doug about all the scary risks for sure.  Well he wants Doug to come in Monday now and he feels its very important to talk to Doug in great detail about all the risks to me this surgery.  Augh.  Can't wait for that one, especially what will be 10 days before my surgery.  Doug knows I am at risk for dying this surgery, he has had his moments of being extremely nervous and scared and telling me "you know, it would really ultra suck if you died".  You are telling me Doug!  He is so much more positive then me though, especially lately.  As we get closer to the end, he feels optimistic that this whole thing may *almost surely* end up incredibily hard, but that I will be fine in the end.  And it was contagious feeling for a bit, bc I was feeling that there was a good chance of me living through this as well lately. 

But now, I dread going to that appt and hearing all those death and danger risks of mine.  Lately, I seem to have to be reminded about it a lot...and I am not sure why.  I click on a link about something, only to read about a mother left in a vegetative state after massive hemmorhaging at her c-section.  Then I have Kylie, who keeps mentioning that she doesn't want me and Doug to ever grow old and die.  Whenever I try to disappear to use the bathroom without an audience (the impossible task), I can hear the twins start yelling mommy frantically, trying to find out where I have gone.  I see how the number and ages of my kids seems to stress out most people...but us.  Then I start to think about the impact my  death could have, and it makes my anxiety kick in big time.  I am not worried about me, I am worried about ruining the lives of Doug and my kids.  I don't want to be reminded of my risks of death again on Monday.   I just want to hear that everything will be okay in the end.  I just want reassurance.   I want to think that God won't let me die after all this.  But bad things happen all the time in this world...bad things happen to mothers in this world...bad things rip families apart and ruin lives all the time.  I am no more special then these people who lose their lives everyday.

I write this as I watch my three oldest playing barbies together.  My twins are filling backpacks with cars.  Doug is laying on the floor with the kids, telling stories.  My life is so right and beautiful and fulfilling right now.  We don't "have it all", yet we truly do have it all.  Sometimes I want to stop time and just enjoy this moment of our life forever.  I love Ansen and I feel like bringing his life into the world was still the right thing, but I am not ready to face the challenge of his delivery yet, nor the possibility of fragmenting our family forever.   I only have 16 days left til I have no choice but to face it...and its just too short.  I am not done living or loving yet.  I need a million more hugs and kisses and I love yous to shower my kids with...yet I still don't think that will be enough.  I want to snuggle with my babies and take in all sweetness and all their innocence and all their joy forever.  And here I am, stuck in this awful situation, ready to face a terrifying situation that could end it all.  I don't regret Ansen, but I surely regret being in this situation.  But unfortunately, one couldn't happen without the other. 

I am hoping that somehow, I can keep on enjoying my last 14 days of todays with Doug and my kids, through all these growing, sometimes paralyzing fears and anxiety of mine.  I want to go to my last 15 days of appts and NOT hear all about my risks of death.  Can I please have some reassuring "we ARE going to get you through this" talks at this time....please!!!!!!