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Monday, November 30, 2009

Exhaustion and Cravings

Still waiting and hoping for an ultrasound at next appt (in 1 week and 1 day) so that I can have some reassurance that baby is doing allright alongside hemmorhage.  Would love it even more though if I had reassurance that baby was doing great and hemmorhage was gone.  But mostly, I am feeling a bit more reassured every day that goes by, even thought I have yet to get that concrete reassurance of another ultrasound yet. 

And the reason why I feel somewhat reassured about everything being allright is bc I am EXHAUSTED all the time!  I sleep 7 hours of sleep (which used to be my normal-felt fully refreshed amount) and I instead feel like I slept 3 hours on a highway.  I fall asleep at 8 or 9 pm on the couch almost every night.  Last night, I missed the end of Desperate Housewives (one of my favorite shows) bc I feel asleep during it...last Tuesday, I turned on and promptly slept through the Duggars (another one of my favorite shows).   So I am thinking that some little person....perhaps about 1 inch stealing all my energy!!  And as tiring as this exhaustion is, it reassures me that everything might really be going allright.  But thats not my only reassurance.

I also am having these cravings.  First, I had to slather hot sauce on everything!  I was having it on breakfast, lunch AND dinner!!  I would be thinking about it all the time and I swear as soon as I thought about it, my mouth would water.  It was absolutely insane.  And then all of the sudden, I had hot sauce the other day and bleh.  Whats the big deal?  I'd rather have eggs.  Oh those glorious eggs.  I start eating two for breakfast EVERY  morning (as opposed to a couple times a week) and I just can't wait for them!  And then I think about how good they were the rest of the day.  And how much I can't wait to have some more tomorrow.   And how I REALLY want some more right now.  But thats okay, I will settle for pizza.  But only pizza with salad all over the top of it.  Just a little bit of balsamic vinagrette on top of salad, but PILE that salad high up on my pizza!  So good.  Weird I never thought of this combination before.  I wonder why?  And then I start to feel a lot little crazy thinking about food so much.  But then that little crazy turns into some more reassurance.   Maybe the culprit behind that exhaustion is behind all this CRAZY food obsessions.  And I smile a little bit, feeling a bit more reassured.

So for now, although I can't see that baby is doing fine, I will continue to hope for the best, while feeling reassured by my nonstop longing for more sleep, eggs, and salad topped pizza! :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Sweet relief...and udder covers ;)

Well we got the results back a few days ago and THANKFULLY my mermaid toting, little blondie has completely normal white blood cells, that were heading back downward towards normal again!!   Thank you God!  I was really freaked out for a couple days, considering the worst case scenario.  My heart aches for any families that DO get that diagnosis. 

So today I took the plunge and bought something for baby...?  Well for me actually...?  Well for baby AND me I guess, since it would benefit us both!   Its called an udder cover and its a wearable nursing cover.  After nursing twins, it seems absolutely delightful that I might be able to actually discreetly nurse a singleton in public nevertheless!   With the twins, there was no taking turns.  When one wanted to be fed when we were out, suddenly both were ravenous.  And I gotta tell you that I have yet to find a way to have BOTH sides out AND be discreet.  I didn't go out much when the twins were under 6 months, and even after that I could only go out for 2 hours at a time before I had to get home and pretty much rip off my shirt and let them feast.  Here is a pic of me feeding my twins, so you can see how UNdiscreet it actually is.  Actually, perhaps that might be a bit too explicit to share.  Good thing I have this pic of my 2nd daughter Elise, copying me pretty much to the last detail!  Behold, how to very UNdiscreetly breastfeed twins:

I actually sent this pic to Mothering Magazine and my bf'ing twins just like mom cutie got published!  One day, I must find my copy so I can embarass her in the future cherish it forever!  Anyways, you can see why the thought of NOT having to completely expose myself seems pretty darn exciting, and the fact that I might even be able to go out in the public for longer then 2 hours seems even more goodie good (a term stolen from my kids ;) ). 

So alas, my udder cover is on its way to my house.  I got a black one with what I think is white swirls.  Or white squiggles.  But it might be something completely opposite.  All I know is it is NOT mostly white...we don't do white in our house with all these kids.  Stains on white are my worst enemy and I have better luck throwing out a stained item then actually getting it to look normal again!

I am a wee bit nervous about buying something for the baby so early, just bc I might/probably still have that hemmorhage going on in there.  I wish I had gotten another ultrasound appointment to see what is going on with it after my 7 week ultrasound, but Dr. Doom and Gloom Dr. M didn't feel it was necessary to see me until 10.5 weeks.  I am 9 weeks tomorrow-yeah!  Still debating over what to do with the great ob debacle as well, but hoping that God will lead towards making the best choice possible. So now I wait again.....for my udder cover that is!   Nice to have something to wait for that is not as dire as the last months of waiting have been!  And I guess I will be waiting for my next appointment as well, if I end up not switching drs yet by then.  


Monday, November 23, 2009

Please Lord, don't further complicate this journey

Its been a hard month.  A long, hard month.  I don't think my emotions have EVER been so up and down in my whole life.  I am finally starting to feel like I can breathe a *tiny bit* easier about this pregnancy, when we get a phone call from our doctors office Friday night.  "Just wanted to talk to you about one of the results of the blood work for the twins...we won't be in til Monday-not to worry".  Of course, I am worried the ENTIRE weekend.  And I just knew it was for Rylan.  Rylan has always been the sickest kid ever...he catches everything, has horrible asthma that needs 2 expensive, daily meds to keep it at bay, has had to be hospitalized twice, and I just knew it was him.  So today we finally hear back that its Rylan surprise surprise and that he has an elevated white blood count.  We just took him in for further blood testing and those results won't be in for ANOTHER 2 days. 

I am so worried.  Of course, I start researching, and all I see is the word leukemia over and over again.  NOT what I want to read.  And I start reading the symptoms.  Bruises, like the ones that cover Rylan's all the time (he gets more bruises then any of the other kids do-right now he has one on his cheek a couple on his arms, and a TON on his legs).  Loss of appetite/weight loss-after I have just recently thought to myself how little he is eating these days, and how much bigger his twin is getting.  He has always been 1-2 lbs ahead of his twin, and at their appt last week, he was couple ounces below his twins' weight.  I was shocked.  At 27 lbs, he was at what he was about 6 months ago, whereas his twin had gained 2 lbs.  Yes, I am worried.

I am hoping (and praying) that I am just looking too much into it and that the blood tests will prove that he is healthy and normal.  But why the high white blood cell count then?  The nurse said it could be an infection, but he has actually been healthy this last few weeks.  He had the seasonal flu shot (not thrilled about it, but I had to get him it bc of his high risk status with the asthma-although I didn't want to at all and didn't get it for my other kids).  Could having the seasonal flu shot 4 hours before blood draw have raised his white blood count THAT much?  *sigh*

Its a hard journey already, fighting for the life of this one baby.  I don't want another baby of mine having to fight an equally hard, if not harder, journey.  Not for my little little boy with the Einstein like hair-my little boy who is always seen carrying around his "Mer Me" aka his Mermaid, smelling her hair and sucking his thumb.  My heart aches at even the slightest possibility of him having to go through anything like this.  So for two more days again, I wait and wonder and hope and pray.  Please Lord, spare my sweet baby boy from any of these deep, dark worries of mine, if that is at all possible. 

Friday, November 20, 2009

feeling like one big liability today...

I was talking to a friend about my doctor mess and she mentioned that the doctor was probably treating me like she was, bc in her eyes I am just one giant potential liability.  Ever since my well-meaning friend said this, I have been feeling like nothing but a liability. Today I keep asking myself  'why couldn't I just be happy with the five kids I already had'.  *sigh*  I could have kept ignoring the little voice calling out to me, and I might have regretted that decision for the rest of my life, my heart aching for that little person that I didn't try bringing into this family.  But then at least I wouldn't be in this pickle, with a new ob doctor who sees me as only as a giant potential liability and who really has made it quite clear so far that she wouldn't choose me as one of her patients if she could.  Here I am, left wondering if there is any hope of finding an ob doctor that doesn't view me solely as a potential liability. 

I am just losing confidence that I will find that kind of doctor with my history of 5 kids and 4 c-sections.  Lots of people in the world have more then 4 c-sections, and yes, its pretty much a game of chance when it comes to where baby implants and if they go near your scar, but I have had pretty easy pregnancies (even with my twins AND placenta previa last time).  My first 3 deliveries went fantastic with little scar tissue, and the last delivery went well until I was in recovery, where it did get a little hairy with my hemmorhage, but stuff like that can happen to any mom (most especially moms of twins).  If I had had a rough go of it the last 4 pregnancies, I most certainly would not have made the choice to listen to my heart and try for that last little soul calling out to me.  My last ob was optimistic about everything, telling me she wanted me to make it to 39 weeks with my twins and complete placenta previa...I didn't believe her that it could even be a possibility, but then I practically did make it that far (38.5 weeks).  She had 6 kids herself, and seemed to appreciate my big family.  I just have this feeling of dread right now that its going to be practically impossible to find a doctor like that now, one who is willing to hope for the best and deal with the problems if/when they come.  I am just feeling defeated today.  I hate the fact that I am sitting here, spending even a second regretting this little person growing inside me.  I love this baby so much.  I just wish life didn't have to have to be so hard sometimes.  Guess I will just continue on, trying to figure out what to do in this whole doctor mess and looking up to God for some reassurance that I am not all alone in this-looking up to God for reassurance that I am MUCH MORE then just a liability. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

To switch or not to switch, that is the question (LONG)

So even before I became pregnant, I knew I would have to find a new ob, bc mine decided to up and move to Georgia, a couple months after the twins were born. I had two different groups I was recommended from two different hospitals.

Group 1 (4 person practice) from Hospital A: This hospital has the best of the best around in regards to all care. They also have the only NICU in the area. Their maternity wing of their hospital has several floors and is massive (I get lost every time I go to visit someone in there). There is a whole c-section floor, just for patients with c-sections (which I am not sure how much I would like to be actually segragated.) There are two beds to each c-section room and you are told you might have to share depending on how many c-section patients there are at the time. Their perinatology department is located on underneath all the maternity floors, at the bottom and is pretty big.

Group 2 (4 person practice) from Hospital B: This is the 2nd largest hospital in this area. They are a Catholic hospital. Their maternity area is small and quaint, with about 18 rooms, including 2 c-section rooms (although when those are filled up, you get a regular labor and delivery room). They have a perinatology department located off the maternity area-MUCH smaller then the other hospital. They have an underground passage that leads you to the main hospital, which has a lot of the bells and whistles of the other hospital-not all but certainly many.

I have delivered ALL my babies so far at Hospital B. I have LOVED Hospital B and I would much prefer to be there. With my twins' pregnancy, I had a complete placenta previa with one of my twins and I was carefully watched by their perinatology for any signs of acreta. At delivery, I hemmorhaged a lot after the fact (we aren't sure of why, bc my placentas came out allright, but it was concluded that one reason might be bc my uterus was SUPER overextended with 15 lbs of baby). I ended up with 4 units of blood that afternoon and a trip through that underground passage for some procedure to help stop the bleeding, plus a night's stay in ICU. My babies stayed in the little nursery they have overnight. All in all, early the next day I was deemed healthy and I traveled back underground back to maternity to be with my babies by 7:30 am for the next 4 days. I trust them a lot bc of that situation. But then i worry about my potential risks NOW.

When getting pregnant, I hoped and prayed that baby would stay away from my scars so that I could have an uneventful pregnancy this time. I now have two scars, bc when I had the complete placenta previa, they didn't want to cut through my placenta and have me bleed too fast when they had two babies to deliver, plus they weren't sure of how "sticky" my placenta might be to scar. My scars are a couple inches away from each other. Gavin-baby A- couldn't resist the urge to be down there and alas another baby seems to have gotten the invitiation that near my scars was just way too inviting and that is where he/she is now. I am pretty much guaranteed placenta previa (which I had last time and it didn't really cause me many problems-even with cervix is pretty good about staying tightly closed-hence one reason why I had c-sections). The problems lies in IF that low lying placenta attaches itself into my scar or can find its way through my scar and out of my uterus. This is called placenta acreta, increta, percreta (varying levels of it).

Placenta Accreta occurs when the placenta attaches too deep in the uterine wall but it does not penetrate the uterine muscle. Placenta accreta is the most common accounting for approximately 75% of all cases.

Placenta Increta occurs when the placenta attaches even deeper into the uterine wall and does penetrate into the uterine muscle. Placenta increta accounts for approximately 15% of all cases.

Placenta Percreta occurs when the placenta penetrates through the entire uterine wall and attaches to another organ such as the bladder. Placenta percreta is the least common of the three conditions accounting for approximately 5% of all cases.

What causes placenta accreta?

The specific cause of placenta accreta is unknown, but it can be related to placenta previa and previous cesarean deliveries. Placenta accreta is present in 5% to 10% of women with placenta previa.

A cesarean delivery increases the possibility of a future placenta accreta, and the more cesareans, the greater the increase. Multiple cesareans were present in over 60% of placenta accreta cases.
I was carefully watched for placenta acreta with my last pregnancy, and the hospital took a LOT of precautions for my c-section just in case there was some they didn't catch (I got an epidural and a spinal, I got 3 ivs instead of 1, they had tons of my blood type on hand). I trust that this hospital, although smaller, does know what its doing. Placenta acreta (the most common) would probably most likely lead to a hysteroctomy, which I am sure they could handle as well. But if it was the worst of the worst, percreta (which is the most rare form of this), I don't know if they would be willing to deal with it, or send me off elsewhere?
I am worried though about my risks, bc I have two scars now. I am not so worried about my first scar (the lower one) bc we went through this already and it held up pretty well. But I do worry about the integrity of my second scar. Its just an unknown. My pregnancy could go really well, it could go just okay or it could go horrible. Time will tell what happens.

So do I pick the hospital (Hospital B) that I am comfortable with and that I love, and hope for the best or even the mediocre...and if things do go REALLY bad, hopefully they would transfer me to the bigger hospital for my care. Or do I continue my care with the best hospital (Hospital A), and committ myself there, no matter what may play out in this pregnancy, even if its not really where I [I]want[/I] to go.

Right now I am going to practice involved with Hospital A. I kind of freaked out with the bleeding and just called the first available number I had. I am NOT loving this ob I have been seeing (she told me she would have made me tie my tubes after the fourth pregnancy, she also said she would have delivered my twins at 36 weeks with placenta previa and never let me go as far as they let me-38.5 weeks). These two statements leave a bad taste in my mouth. Plus the whole "it looks like its near/on your scar-you have to terminate and here are all the ways you can do that right now" peptalk we got at our first meeting, as well as the "its just a bad one" in regards to pregnancy. There are 3 other doctors in her practice, do I try another one and hope for the best?

I wonder if the practice affiliated with Hospital B would be a little less critical of me, especially when they are a Catholic hospital. I know if I went to this dr for my last pregnancy, she would have given me a hysteroctomy for sure...whereas the other hospital did what they did to save my uterus, even with me having 5 kids. And how do you switch to a totally different practice after all I have been through already. Just call up as a new patient, or explain this whole last 3 weeks, or what? I told you this was going to be LONG!!! So I don't know what to do, but I want to figure it out soon. My heart wants to go with hospital B, but is that the smartest choice? I don't know.  I would love ANY feedback anyone has at all! After my ultrasound, I called up twice and waited TWO days to hear back from the practice I am currently at, only to hear that Dr. doesn't want to see me again until almost 11 weeks. So I figure I have til then to figure out what I am doing. Anyways, thanks for reading all this and thanks for any feedback any of you might have-I appreciate it!

Monday, November 16, 2009

I just want to be able to REALLY believe

That we are having another baby.  Everything is still so up in the air.  This whole pregnancy has been so up in the air.  I'm having a baby, I'm not having a baby, I'm having a baby, I'm not having a baby. 

First, I got a positive test and was so excited.  I was having a baby! 

Then I had 4 days of negative pregnancy tests.  I was so upset.  I was not having a baby. 

Then, I had more positive tests.  This was for real!  I was having a baby! 

Then I had some bleeding and was sure I must be miscarrying.  I have NEVER bled early in a pregnancy.  I was so upset again.  I was not having a baby.

Then I had blood work done and numbers came back fantastic.  I was still having a baby! 

Then I had bloodwork done 2 days later and numbers only went up 25%.  Dr said that was not good.  I was sure with the bleeding, I must be miscarrying.  I was not having a baby.

Then I went in for an ultrasound and there was my baby, measuring 6 weeks WITH a heartbeat.  I was ecstatic and couldn't believe after all that drama that it might be true.  I was really having a baby! 

Then the Dr. came in and told me that baby was in my scar and that I would have to terminate.  And my world came crashing down.  I was not having a baby.

Then I went in for another high tech ultrasound at the hospital and the perinatologist said he didn't think baby was in my scar.  I was having a baby! 

But then he also told me I had a substantial bleed behind sac and I was most likely miscarrying.  I was not having a baby. 

For a week, I sat in this limbo land, trying to stay optimistic but feeling very pessimistic at the same time.  I had blood drawn and my numbers came back pretty high, having increased by about 7000 and I was happy.  I might be having a baby? 

But then Dr chimed in to say that numbers should actally be double that at this point.  Maybe I wasn't having a baby?

Had my 2nd high tech ultrasound at the hospital and my baby measured right on track size wise.  I was having a baby! 

But the heartbeat was only 81 bpm.  I was not having a baby. 

But then the  heartbeat was actually 157 bpm.  I was having a baby! 

And baby was NOT in my c-section scar, just really close.  Could it be true?  Maybe I am REALLY having a baby? 

But the bleed is still there and hasn't changed much at all in a week.  And its still a good size, at that.  Its a wait and see kind of thing.  So maybe I am not having a baby?

This last 4 weeks has been torture.  I just want to be able to believe that there might be one more added to our family.  I don't want to buy anything. I don't want to make anything.  Just in case. 

I am jealous of my sister in law, who is pregnant the SAME time as me (we are like days apart due date wise).  And no, she does NOT know (and will not know for a long time).  She can complain she is tired and how aggravating the pregnancy already is to her, but she also has 100% belief that in June/July, she WILL be holding a new baby.  A new sister or brother for her other daughter.  A new grandchild.  A new cousin.  A new friend.

And yet I have the same tiredness, the same "aggravating symptoms" that she has.  But I welcome them and celebrate them for now.  And I hope with all my heart that in June/July I am holding a new baby.  A new sister or brother for my kids.  A new grandchild.  A new cousin.  A new friend.  But maybe hope and faith won't be enough to make that our reality. 

Only God knows the ultimate outcome for our baby. 

And so I hope and wait and pray and try to have faith that this pregnancy has had one rocky start because this will be one very special baby.  A baby that WILL ultimately rock my world, but in a good way.  My miracle baby. 

But it still doesn't stop that jealous, human part of me that wishes i could be blindly enjoying this pregnancy, without a care in the world.  What a blessing it would be, if for even a week's time, I was able to REALLY believe those words.  I am having  a baby!  I want to get rid of that feeling that I have been holding my breath for the last 4 weeks....I want to believe it wholeheartedly, with every breath in my body, with every molecule of my being. 

But for now, I try to celebrate these moments I am pregnant.  I thank God for each day I am still with my baby.  And I try to fight my jealousy, bc those dark feelings play no positive part in my life.  But I still hope and pray and try to have faith that one day in this pregnancy, I might get to the point where I can shout those magic words: I am having a baby!  AND I will actualy believe them.  And celebrate them!  Until then, I will continue to look up to God for some fleeting moments of peace in this sea of chaos, while waiting this arduous by day, minute by minute.  Hoping really hard for those magic words to one day become my reality.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Some sweet relief for now

Yesterday was the BIG day.  I was so nervous in the morning.  I was doing crazy things, like I decided I needed to shave my legs bc they hadn't been shaved in a while *cough cough*  and I was mighty embarassed last week with them being right there, next to TWO techs to "inspect".  Yeah I know, I am sure the techs were all about staring at my hairy legs.  You think I would worry more about the internal ultrasounds instead?  So all I could find was a DULL razor (mental note, buy some razors next time I am at Walmart) and I sat there chiseling the hair off shaving my legs, one hour before my ultrasound.  Probaby would have been more successful with a steak knife.  So finally the time came and my sister showed up to watch my kids (very thankful for that by the way!)  And I headed off, thinking about what outcomes I could potentially have.  Scary stuff to think about.

I showed up at perinatology and sat in the waiting room.  The waiting room in perinatology is unlike anything I have ever experienced.  In a normal ob waiting room, even a normal ultrasound waiting area, its always smiles and belly pats and talk of genders and strollers and all other normal, everyday "baby" stuff.  At perinatology, you can feel in the air that everyone is basically just holding their breath, hoping and praying for the miracle of good news/healthy baby(ies).  No one smiles and pats their belly.  Hands are tightly gripping chairs, many looking at the floor, many others staring up at the tv, pretending to watch watching whatever news program is on.  I am guessing A LOT pray like I was.  And then you see the reassured moms, with cautious little smiles, breathing tiny sighs of relief as they walk out door with a picture or two, making new appts to do it ALL OVER AGAIN.  Its a special place, where the miracle of life is greatly desired and celebrated...and mourned.

So I finally got called in and with my freshly chiseled shaved legs, I layed down and got a ton of towels put under my butt to angle me better (tilted uterus and everything).  Once she started the ultrasound I saw my little grain of rice in the sac, but wasn't sure what was going on.  I was just holding my breath, hoping baby was still alive.  The tech took the heartbeat and said "heartbeat is 81 bpm" and my heart sunk and my breath just rushed out of me.  Since the heartbeat had been 111 bpm the week before, I figured this was the end and I now knew the outcome of my baby.  Sad thoughts swirled around me and I felt very defeated.  The tech measured baby a little bit (measuring at 7 weeks like I am) and then I heard what was better then any present I have EVER received, "wait a minute, the heart actually looks like its going faster then that....let me measure it one more time".  She measured it again and told me "oh, its actually 157 bpm".  *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*  What a rush of emotion, as I realized my baby was still fighting and living AND thriving!

The tech told me to wait right there for at least 30 minutes a couple minutes, bc perinatologist might want to take a look.  So I waited, and waited...AND waited.  Did I mention that almost every chair in the waiting room was taken up!  So there I sat with my butt up in the air with those darn towels, and I was starting to get a butt/back ache and I was wiggling around like crazy, contemplating just sitting up/heck with the strategically placed towels!  I took some pics of the screen with my phone bc it had a pic of my baby on it, and I wasn't sure if I would get a pic (I didn't get one last week).  And I sent the pic to my husband, with a text saying "our baby is alive at least, not sure what else is going on, waiting for dr", which only took me about 10 times to send bc the service in that room was practically non-existent.  It finally got through to my husband and I tried once to send it to a friend as well, but then gave up.  Have I mentioned the really, REALLY bad service in there??

Perinatologist finally walked in.  Its really weird to talk to a doctor while you are laying down, with your butt in the air (covered  from the waist down by only a flimsy sheet).  Especially when he didn't even want to take a look.  I should have just sat up at that point, but I had ALL those towels under my butt and not sure how to mess around/removing them while still staying somewhat "discreet".  So I layed there with my butt up in the air listening to what he had to say.  And he didn't want to take a look-bc he was already convinced enough that my baby is not IN my scar, like first ob diagnosed and was ready to terminate for.  Baby is not ON my scars either.  Baby IS mighty low, right near my scar though, which he said be potentially very worrisome (which I already know ALL TOO WELL unfortunately).  The bleed above baby has pretty much stayed the same and he said it was a wait and see kind of thing, but now that baby has grown, it shows up as half the size of sac, whereas last week it was same size/if not bigger then sac.  Last week, he was pretty convinced of imminent miscarriage, so hearing wait and see this week was most certainly a blessing.  It's in God's hands now and this baby is proving to be a fighter for sure. 

He told me to now set up an appointment with my new favorite ob Dr. Gloom and Doom Dr. M and then she would set up further ultrasounds with perinatology as they were warranted.  Not so thrilled about seeing Dr. Gloom and Doom Dr. M again, just bc she was SOOOOOO quick to diagnose the worst case scenario and suggest immediate termination of pregnancy.  She didn't just mention it as a potential option, it was a MUST DO RIGHT NOW kind of thing.  And I am pretty convinced if I hadn't stared at her with a look or horror for many minutes questioned her, that she would not have referred me to the perinatologist for a second opinion.  She had already explained different methods of termination (methotrexate vs. injection of saline to baby vs. D&C which she didn't  recommend with my scar tissue issue....).  *sigh*  As much as I am not feeling the love for Dr. Gloom and Doom Dr. M right now, I think God definately lead me in the direction to see her so that I could be seen by this perinatology department though.  They gave my baby a tiny chance of life last week, and this week my baby proved to be a fighter!  So now, I wait to hear back from Dr. Gloom and Doom's Dr M's office, as to what kind of appointment I will have next.  I would love another ultrasound to see whats going on with the bleed and make sure baby is still doing allright next week, but she's the boss I guess.  Maybe she will want to do more beta hcg tests, so she can tell me that my numbers aren't doubling like normal and it doesn't look good-like she has the last couple times.  This baby just hasn't picked up yet that he/she should be doubling their numbers every 48 hours and not every 85-95 hours.  I guess you could call him/her one big troublemaker. ;)

Oh well.  I *heart* my little troublemaking baby.  Just so incredibly happy for the sweet relief I am feeling right now, knowing that the world's worst outcome has now been cast off the table.  And that my sweet little grain of rice baby is inside me, fighting against this bleed AND growing!  Thank you God for some answered prayers. 

And without further ado, the star of the show!  Here is my little grain of rice.  Is that not the cutest grain of rice you ever saw?!?!  Good genes I tell you! :)  (bleed is above sac and baby, other black area at the top)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

One more day of waiting...

this excruciating wait.  Inside me, I have this sense of calm that baby is allright..actually moreso that this baby is one heck of a fighter.  I also innately don't feel like the baby is IN my scar. 

But then I start to second guess myself.  Maybe my feelings are off.  I have NEVER been one to correctly guess whether my babies were boys or girls (and for the record, I think this is my last girl).  Maybe I am just hoping too hard for the best outcome and trying to convince myself that that is the case?  Maybe the baby is gone-miscarried like they told me would very likely happen.  Maybe the baby is buried deeply into my scar.  Maybe my scar is already compromised-splitting open as it gives way to growing baby.  SO many deep, dark thoughts in my head at times, swirling all around.    

I am hoping for some more answers tomorrow.  Hoping REALLY hard for some more positive answers.  And going to bring my own list of questions.  But that is not til tomorrow and I still have all of today to hope and pray and worry about it.  Hope and pray and worry about my baby AND my health.  *Sigh* 

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Once Upon a Time....

Once upon a time, there was a baby boy and a baby girl, both born on March 31st at the same hospital. 

God decided that day that these two babies would one day meet again and join as one. 

15 years later, the boy met the girl at a first job for both....and they fell in love.

The girl went to college, the boy went into the army.

And their love grew and grew.

The boy and the girl both married 21 years after they had first met at that hospital.

And two became one. 

The girl and boy felt so blessed to have married each other's best friend, but their hearts ached for children.

And not just two children.

Quite a few children.

The girl and boy tried and tried and prayed and hoped for children. 

After about 17 months, God heard their cries and blessed them with a child,,,,a girl.

The girl and boy felt so blessed with this beautiful little girl, but also felt that there were more children.

Waiting to be added into their family.

And they hoped and prayed for more.

11 months after that, they were blessed with another beautiful girl.

The boy and girl felt so lucky, yet another soul was tugging at their hearts.

16 months later, they were blessed with a handsome little boy.

The girl and boy had the "conventional family" and if they had been conventional people, they would have been done.

Yet their hearts still pined for more children.

23 months later, they were blessed with twin boys. 

The girl and boy felt incredibly blessed indeed.

The girl and boy felt called to homeschool their children.

The girl and boy were VERY busy with a full house and a full heart.

Yet God whispered the faintest call that there was one more child to be added to their family.

The girl and boy had worries about the girl's health- having to go through one more delivery, since she had had 4 c-sections.

The girl and boy tried to find peace with the beautiful family they had already been blessed with.

But God left tiny reminders of that last child meant to be added to their family.

The girl and boy tried so hard to think with their heads.

But God lead them to follow their hearts.

The girl and boy prayed for one last healthy pregnancy.

And took the plunge.

The girl became pregnant one last time and much joy was felt.

The girl had some bleeding and was brought in for an ultrasound and betas.

The girl had a beautiful, perfectly created 6 week baby, located on a VERY BAD part of her uterus.

Very close to, if not ON c-section scar.

The girl's dr told her to terminate the pregnancy.

The girl and boy felt their hearts sink.

To the lowest of lows.

They felt this life was a blessing from God, like their other children.

And that it wasn't their place to end anyone's life.

God had created this child and let him/her lay where they did.

The girl went in for another ultrasound and another diagnosis that it looked like baby might be miscarrying.

The girl hoped and prayed for God's will in the outcome, no matter what that was.

The girl stopped bleeding, and the betas kept rising.

And another ultrasound loomed in the near future.

With the worst outcome, the girl and boy would be told to terminate.

With the best outcome, the baby would grow dangerously close to c-section scars and girl would be in danger of serious health problems, such as placenta previa/acreta.

The girl and boy prayed with all their might.

And then decided that if God blessed them with the best outcome, they would fight for the life of this baby.

With all they had in them.

The girl and boy had faith that God would carry them through the tough times.

Although the girl and boy were still SCARED of the unknown.

The girl and boy felt very human when they thought of all the risks.

But God's arms wrapped around them and gave them hope.

The girl and boy felt that God had big plans with their little miracle baby. 

And God is the ONE and ONLY true expert of life. 

So now the girl and boy wait and wonder and hope and pray.

And throw themselves at the feet of God, telling Him "where you lead us, we will go"

Many in their shoes would not do the same.

Go so blindly into the deep, dark unknown.

But the boy and girl head off towards a journey.

Their journey.

An unknown journey.

A potentially treacherous journey.

With little for supplies but their Faith.

And love.

And family.

Hoping for God

To hear their prayers

Know their hearts.

Feel their love.

And lead them to a happily ever after.