just plain frustruated at this moment in time....

Had my appointment on Monday.  And after being told all these weeks/months about how I have an open invitation to stay at the hospital whenever I don't feel comfortable and that I am at a huge bleeding risk, I saw someone new and was told that it was still really early in my pregnancy and I certainly didn't need to be admitted yet since I am doing so well at the moment.  First of all, I am almost 32 weeks, which is when things usually start going south with this condiition....and as happy as I am that things are going well right now, I do appreciate that with this, things can go from great to REALLY bad really quickly.  I want to be home with my family and I would much rather be here then anywhere else, but I am just nervous as all heck.  Go read acreta/increta/percteta yahoo message board if you want to know WHY I worry.  I am the ONLY case of this right now at the maternal/fetal health group.  This isn't your average, run of the mill, pregnancy complication.  *sigh*

Last week, I talked to my favorite Nurse K about all my fears, who talked to one of maternal/fetal drs and agreed about delivery time I requested of 34 weeks.   But they were going to have a BIG meeting of all 4 doctors before they decided on a definite date. They originally told me they wanted  me to get to 36 weeks for the best health of the baby.  There is nothing more that I want then giving Ansen the best start of life either, but I also feel selfish nad I WANT TO LIVE THROUGH THIS.  Waiting it out til 36 weeks puts me at a really high chance of having a substantial bleed (nothing like going into a surgery involving high blood  loss-on average of 9 units of blood (just about what your body holds TOTAL) and lets add going into it already having lost a decent amount of blood.  They also want to do a procedure where they put balloons in my uterine arteries, which could help prevent some of the major bleeding, but if I am in an emergency bleeding situation, you can kiss that option goodbye as well. 

So anyways, when I went in for my appt, they told me they had their meeting, and they scheduled my surgery officially for 35 weeks and 6 days, unless things change by then.  34 week babies have VERY few problems at all and with the size of my children and Ansen right now (31.5 weeks measuring 4.5 lbs)...he would be a healthy 5.5-6 lbs.  Two babies have been born healthy in my June board at 34 weeks.  One is already home and the other one was just born yesterday and doing fabulously, no oxygen or anything.  But we are going to try to get even further, just go give Ansen an even better chance of health, even if it means lowering my chances of good health. 

I know I sound horrible and selfish right now, but I have risked my life for this baby for the last 26 weeks.  Right from the start, when I was told to terminate this pregnancy, I vowed that if Ansen fought for his life, I would fight for his as well....and I would do what I had to give him the life he deserved.  Even when I was told it was super dangerous bc of where he implanted.  And for 26 weeks, I have fearfully gone through this pregnancy, terrified that I might have chosen to give up my own life for Ansen's.  But still I chugged along, bc I KNEW he needed that time in me to have the best outcome.  And now, he has reached the point where he is going to have an amazing outcome from here on.  I did my part, I put myself in this horrible situation to give him life.  And I AM DONE.  I want my doctors to STOP considering how they can get the world's best outcome for Ansen and start concentrating now on getting ME the best outcome now.  Don't I deserve that?  Most everyone on the acreta board thinks its crazy for them to try to get me that far, especially after the outcomes they have had.  You know what would be nice?? IF I could actually be alive after the surgery to meet this baby I fought so hard for.  Or that I could be alive so that I can be there for the rest of my family after all is said and done.  

I don't care how fabulously I am doing right now bc that can all change in a minute's notice. And I want to GO INTO my surgery after having a fabulous run...not after having all kinds of issues and bleeding episodes.  Every day I get further, my risk goes up higher that that will be my reality.  My placenta has gone through my scars and out of my uterus...as my uterus continues to stretch and grow, its highly likely that my uterus could start splitting apart in that obviously very weakened (since something has GROWN THROUGH IT) spot.  I had the choice to end Ansen's life, but I have no choice in the matter of trying to now perserve my own.  I feel absolutely helpless in the matter and it just plain sucls.  So I will sit here at home, hoping that I don't start some crazy bleed all the sudden (I hold my breath everytime I use the bathroom) and will just wait 4 more weeks and 1 day, til the day my doctors have decided is just perfect for everyone else....and hope that the floor doesn't drop from under me before that.