Most times.....

Most times....I feel at peace.  When the dr starts talking about risks and such, I want to be like "but I FEEL like its going to be okay in the end...I have a peace about it, that always comes back to me no matter how down I may get".  But I think that would just be putting my name in the books as officially CRAZY for sure.  Since this pregnancy started, I have been very fearful, but also have had a sense of peace as well.  If that makes any sense?  When I got that first positive pregnancy test, in came the fear mixed with peace.  When I was told to terminate the pregnancy and I found a way around that, only to be told that this pregnancy would be risky for sure, in came more fear, followed by the peace.  When I found out that I had a complete placenta previa and what they suspected to be accreta, in came the fear, followed by the peace.  When I started bleeding and delivery looked imminent, first came the fear, and then a gradual feeling of peace.  When they confirmed accreta, then increta, then suspected percreta, first came the fear (albeit paralyzing at times), followed by the mysterious sense of peace.  Throughout discussions of surgery and risks and death, I always start with the fear no doubt, but that innate sense of peace is never far behind. 

Does that peace tell me I will live through this?? I don't know....I like to think thats the case of course.  But its not that I feel "I will surely live" but that I feel "everything will surely work out right in the end".  And I hope with all my might that that right includes ME in it.  At this time it the right doesn't make sense without me...but I am no expert in life or the future either.  Regardless, this peace is like God reassuring me that as out of control everything feels at times, that He is still right there besides me in all of this; that he still has his Hands, working good things, in the midst of this mess.  And in the end, it will all make sense and be right.  Doug feels the same way and has been much more positive in this journey.  But he doesn't have drs talking risk, danger, death at practically every appt....when you hear these words so loudly over and over again, it gets harder to heard those whispers of peace.  But they are there.  Every time.  Thankfully.`