"I don't know how you stay so strong-I would be a mess".......

Thats what I heard today from my favorite nurse, after she sat in with me talking to the maternal fetal specialist.  It was meant to be a compliment for sure.  I didn't really know how to respond, bc I don't think I am THAT strong at all.  When he mentioned "risks of death", I felt sick to my stomach for sure, and one of the last things I said to my dr today was "I will do whatever I need to, as long as you can keep me alive".  So yes, I am most certainly fearful.  But I have had to accept that I am not in control of any of this anymore.  And I don't like not having control, but its the way it is.  God is in control and I have to keep faith that God is orchestrating my care/surgery right now.  And I have great peace in that, at least.  Can't ask for Someone better on your side.  I am not brave at all, but full of faith I am. 

 This morning Kylie woke up me out of a dream (a stupid one at that) to tell me in an excited voice "mommy, I dreamt about Ansen again, I dreamt about Ansen again".  She recalled her dream in great detail and I snuck in the "so mommy was in this dream, right" and she nodded excitedly, telling more and more details.  Like how Ansen will have brown hair and a great big smile *like this*!!  It made my smile.     I like to think that God is sending Kylie these glimpses of the future to be a reassurance to me.  I know it's silly to consider, but I will consider it just the same.  These dreams she keeps having gives me a glimpse of what I have fought for this entire journey. 

I have some appointments upcoming that I am not looking forward to, although they will be informative for sure.  One is with the gynecological oncologist, who I found out today is entertaining the idea of keeping my placenta and uterus INSIDE me after surgery and then having me take methotrexate for a few months to shrink, to be taken out at a later time.  I am not a big fan of this option at all, and neither is the maternal/fetal specialist doing my surgery.  He wants to get placenta and uterus out asap, as well as any whatever parts of bladder may be attached to placenta.  If they keep uterus and placenta inside me and give me methotrexate (cancer drug) A.  I will not be able to breastfeed at all B. I will still need to have a 2nd surgery to remove placenta and uterus at a later time, its just postponing the inevitable  C.  There is a much greater risk of infection this option.  So I have to go talk to her about my options and risks to me for each choice, and I am going to tell her that I do not want placenta and uterus left inside me unless there is no other choice in the matter.  I'd REALLY prefer to breastfeed Ansen, since he is my last baby, but ultimately, if it comes down to life or death, I choose life.  I have another appointment (maybe Wednesday) with interventional radiology, to discuss pros and cons of having balloon catheters inserted into my uterine arteries right before surgery.  With these balloons, once surgery is started and baby is delivered, they can be blown up, which will cut off blood supply to a lot of my uterus, saving me from some blood loss.  From what I have read, most that have used balloon catheters have certainly benefited from them, so I am pretty convinced that they are something I want at my surgery as well...but will wait to see what they have to say about it all.  I also have to see urology, since they are concerned there will need to be bladder repair.  At that appointment, I can find out how long I might need a catheter (usually about 2 weeks from what I have read), as well as any other questions I can come up with about any possible bladder involvement. 

There is SOOOOO much crazy left to deal with these last 24 days.  Part of me just wants it over right now, but I am also not looking forward to surgery day at all.  My surgery is at 1 pm, on June 3rd.  I am going to have to make it through half a day, feeling sick and anxious, waiting for that time to come.  *sigh*  I hope I can keep it together that day.  Hope I can "appear" as strong as I guess I do right now. 

Anyways, time to stop dwelling on that "tomorrow" and going to get outside and enjoy my today with my 5 beautiful children...and a dream of Kylie's that keeps me smiling. :)