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Thursday, April 29, 2010

gossip, gossip, gossip.....

This whole condition has certainly brought out the gossip in so many people.  I am getting very discouraged by how many people think they know our situation and are having a field day talking amongst themselves regarding how we have/continue to deal with this pregnancy and all our "mistakes".  *sigh*  Good friends I thought I had. People all around us....who I thought were acting out of the goodness of their hearts.  Family that has been a help to me, only to find out they too have been having a field day talking about it all.  So many instances I can't count.  Stuff like this brings out the good in people...while also the very bad. 

Once upon a time (maybe not as long ago as I would like to think) I never minded getting a little juicy gossip here or there...and sharing it with others.  Slowly though, it just has seemed less and less "fun" know, once you start to really consider empathy in all of this.  Honestly, I know we have a lot of negative people in our lives that think we are plain insane for all the choices we make (and have a heck of a field day talking about it).  When this pregnancy started off on a bad foot and just kept heading negatively, I didn't even want to announce the pregnancy.  I knew how it would be.  But I needed prayers and I hoped that my friends and family could look beyond their disdain for our lifestyle and just offer us some sincere prayers.  Its all I wanted. 

Now I have everyone's "opinions" coming at us.  I am not taking my health seriously.  I am not taking bedrest seriously.  I am not giving up my kids for others to take them and watch them.  Today, I just wanted to cry.  My dad was telling me that he was talking to my  Aunt about how I turn down all offers of help I get, and its my fault if I end up back in the hospital.  I told him "I'm sorry, but I like to spend time with my kids".  Of course, then he started yelling that that WAS my problem.  Why does no one understand that the only thing keeping me sane in this whole journey IS my kids.  If I wanted to be alone, lost in my sad thoughts, I would have stayed at the hospital the last 5 weeks.  And other's offers to help include soley taking my girls.  No one wants anything to do with my boys.    Sure thing, offer to take the two easiest children of mine and then tell me that I am risking my health bc I won't agree to it-bc I dare want to keep all my kids together AND with me!

As I was trying to explain to my dad that I wanted to be around my kids as much as I could bc I was going to be hospitalized next week anyways...he started going off that if I had let others take my girls the few times I offered, maybe I wouldn't have to be hospitalized.  No one understands.  Any of this. :(  Its like I am a stranger to everyone except Doug.  Every morning, I wake up for my children and I go to bed for my children.  God blessed me with these little lives to love and hug and teach and praise and kiss and smile at and laugh with...they are my responsibility, my job- and I have loved every second of it, even at the craziest of times.  I have had to find ways to balance my favorite job with bedrest, but I think I have done a pretty good job, considering I am 31 weeks tomorrow.  My biggest fear this pregnancy is losing my role in the job that I love so much. :(

But the more I try to explain myself, the more people don't listen and the more they talk amongst themselves.  And if this all ends badly, very few people will see the magnitude and depth of the love I have had for my children through every step of this journey, throughout the darkest of my days; instead they will take out of this that I endangered my health from start to finish, then refused everyone's generous "help" and ultimately paid the price for it.  Even my own family will be convinced that that is the truth in the matter.  And it hurts. :(  30 years I have now lived, and I am nothing more then a stranger to most in my life.  Someone that makes for some excellent gossip, bc I can't seem to do any right in anyone's eyes.  And all this time I really thought all these people in my life knew my heart...I certainly don't hold it back from anyone.  It's just one big giant slap in the face, coming from all sides now. 


  1. Melissa. There is only one opinion that matters. And that is God's. Have you brought your concerns to The King? Because there is a reason you are going through this... there is a reason you are making the choices you are.

    Let me know if I can pray for you in any specific way!


  2. Hey! Me again. Boy, I would love to be around when people said stuff to you ... but then again, they probably wouldn't say it around me. People are like that. But I like to "do battle" for other people.

    Rabbit trail, but is seems like lately people have been sort of "asking advice". Like, "I didn't want my children too close together, like 14mo, and I didn't want them far apart, either. What do you think about my spacing?" o.O And all I can do is mutter that E&E are 15mo apart ... and again, they REALLY don't want a third child. Oy! I mean, how am I supposed to respond to that? I've been praying about it, why would they tell me that when they know I have four? (I count the ones inside.)

    People are confusing. And hurtful. I'm very glad your dh gets you. Sometimes I do my husband the dishonor of thinking he thinks a tiny bit like his family. And then he snaps me back to reality that he isn't them. ;) Of course, if I was like my family I'd be pretty messed up as well. :(

    So, did my comment address this at all? Not sure. Hearing such things just really makes me mad. HANG IN THERE! I know my dh is praying for you guys! I give him milestones all the time and he knows you are 6w ahead of me.

    If your dh says Monday, go Monday. Ack, I know. I will keep leaving you long, book-like comments. Once you hit the hospital, hopefully more frequently to help kill more time. We shall call it, "Ashley's Spam Attack". Just kidding.

    Wow, I'm in a random mood today! Enjoy your sunshine. I'm enjoying mine ... well, the boys are and I've snuck off to use the computer because laundry is also down here and it had to be shifted.

    There are people that understand you. It's just a shame none of us live closer to each other!!!!

  3. Posting as anonymous because I have no clue how to do it any other way (its' Diane)
    I am sickened at the way people have treated you. In the end you will know you can really trust and you know what if it is only a handful of friends and your husband then that is all you need.
    I love ya. and let me at anyone who talks about you.


  4. Thank you guys. We feel 100% confident that we have made the right decisions from our heart(although still nervous about potential outcomes of course) but its just discouraging to find out that so many of our "support" people are not supporting with their heart whatsoever. It was all just an act. *sigh*

    Oh well, I guess it takes something like this to see the "realness" of people. Just sad bc one of them was one of my best friends for many years (although she has certainly been way more distant lately anyways).