This whole condition has certainly brought out the gossip in so many people. I am getting very discouraged by how many people think they know our situation and are having a field day talking amongst themselves regarding how we have/continue to deal with this pregnancy and all our "mistakes". *sigh* Good friends I thought I had. People all around us....who I thought were acting out of the goodness of their hearts. Family that has been a help to me, only to find out they too have been having a field day talking about it all. So many instances I can't count. Stuff like this brings out the good in people...while also the very bad.
Once upon a time (maybe not as long ago as I would like to think) I never minded getting a little juicy gossip here or there...and sharing it with others. Slowly though, it just has seemed less and less "fun" though...you know, once you start to really consider empathy in all of this. Honestly, I know we have a lot of negative people in our lives that think we are plain insane for all the choices we make (and have a heck of a field day talking about it). When this pregnancy started off on a bad foot and just kept heading negatively, I didn't even want to announce the pregnancy. I knew how it would be. But I needed prayers and I hoped that my friends and family could look beyond their disdain for our lifestyle and just offer us some sincere prayers. Its all I wanted.
Now I have everyone's "opinions" coming at us. I am not taking my health seriously. I am not taking bedrest seriously. I am not giving up my kids for others to take them and watch them. Today, I just wanted to cry. My dad was telling me that he was talking to my Aunt about how I turn down all offers of help I get, and its my fault if I end up back in the hospital. I told him "I'm sorry, but I like to spend time with my kids". Of course, then he started yelling that that WAS my problem. Why does no one understand that the only thing keeping me sane in this whole journey IS my kids. If I wanted to be alone, lost in my sad thoughts, I would have stayed at the hospital the last 5 weeks. And other's offers to help include soley taking my girls. No one wants anything to do with my boys. Sure thing, offer to take the two easiest children of mine and then tell me that I am risking my health bc I won't agree to it-bc I dare want to keep all my kids together AND with me!
As I was trying to explain to my dad that I wanted to be around my kids as much as I could bc I was going to be hospitalized next week anyways...he started going off that if I had let others take my girls the few times I offered, maybe I wouldn't have to be hospitalized. No one understands. Any of this. :( Its like I am a stranger to everyone except Doug. Every morning, I wake up for my children and I go to bed for my children. God blessed me with these little lives to love and hug and teach and praise and kiss and smile at and laugh with...they are my responsibility, my job- and I have loved every second of it, even at the craziest of times. I have had to find ways to balance my favorite job with bedrest, but I think I have done a pretty good job, considering I am 31 weeks tomorrow. My biggest fear this pregnancy is losing my role in the job that I love so much. :(
But the more I try to explain myself, the more people don't listen and the more they talk amongst themselves. And if this all ends badly, very few people will see the magnitude and depth of the love I have had for my children through every step of this journey, throughout the darkest of my days; instead they will take out of this that I endangered my health from start to finish, then refused everyone's generous "help" and ultimately paid the price for it. Even my own family will be convinced that that is the truth in the matter. And it hurts. :( 30 years I have now lived, and I am nothing more then a stranger to most in my life. Someone that makes for some excellent gossip, bc I can't seem to do any right in anyone's eyes. And all this time I really thought all these people in my life knew my heart...I certainly don't hold it back from anyone. It's just one big giant slap in the face, coming from all sides now.