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Thursday, April 15, 2010

my heart is breaking...

Kylie has been watching this movie called Mary that my mother in law brought.  Its the story of Mary and  Jesus.  There is a LOT of death involved, which I wish I had previewed BEFORE she had watched it and maybe saved the movie for a later.  Joseph ultimately dies, John the Baptist, Jesus, etc.  For some reason, the part when Joseph dies has started really freaking Kylie out, and yesterday she just started bawling out of the blue and said "I don't want you to die  Mommy".  Of course, this started my anxiety up, bc I have yet to tell her ANYTHING that is going on at all.  I asked her why she would even be thinking that, and she mentioned that she doesn't want to get older, she doesn't want me to get older, and she doesn't me to die like Joseph.  She just kept crying and I just held her and hugged her and told her that I was there with her now and to try not to worry about the future.

But I AM worrying about the future.  Google placenta of the leading causes of maternal morbidity and mortality.   I keep reading the same horrible placenta acreta/increta/percreta article that mentions that too many moms will end up "laying on the cold slab of a morgue".  I don't mean to keep clicking on it, I start looks things up and this article always pops up first and I must have a short term memory, bc I always forget that this particular article is one VERY biased and against c-sections in general and certainly not reassuring in the least.  *sigh*

I am just getting anxious again.  I am scared.  My biggest risk for this delivery is hemmorhage, and I am glad that my doctors have made plans on how to control bleeding (balloons in my uterine arteries that they can blow up to help slow down bleeding)....but I am still scared of the unknown.  I just want this whole thing over so that I can return to my normal life.  I don't want something bad to happen and me to ruin Kylie's life.  I go back and forth between loving this baby and wanting to protect him, to wanting to be OUT of this situation, just bc I love my other kids and Doug so much as well, and the last thing I want to do is leave them and ruin their lives.  I want off this terrifying ride!

This whole situation just majorly SUCKS.  I wouldn't wish this torment on my worst enemy.  I am trying to stay optimistic and I want my happy ending, the one where no matter how much bladder I could lose, that I am alive to be wife to Doug and mother to my 6 beautiful children that I love more then anything.  And then I have Kylie begging me yesterday and now today not to die ever...asking me
"when will you die..not til you are 100, right?".  And I  get scared and I suddenly don't know what to answer, bc my heart is breaking in two pieces...but I simply respond "lets enjoy our today together and not worry abou tomorrow yet please".  Thats all I know how to respond for now.  :(


  1. Oh, dear! :( Recently went through something similar when dh's uncle died. Somehow, Samuel got to asking questions if other people die, and it just snowballed. :|

    Then a few weeks later my dad had a heart attack, we didn't know if he was going to make it for several hours, I'm sobbing my head off and my 4yo is asking over and over "Is grandpa going to die?"

    How do you respond to that???? Lie? "Maybe"?

    Not close to what you're dealing with, I'm sure. But I can relate in a tiny way. :(

    I wish so much I lived closer and could spend time just holding your hand, chasing your kids ... oh, my! We would have a house full! :) And praying with you.

    It's going to be okay. I know that sounds trite, but I believe with all my heart it will be okay, no matter what the future holds. God is love. He loves you and He loves each of your children and keep trusting Him ....

    I am praying so hard for ya'll!

    From Kansas,

  2. Thank you Ashley. I try to keep my hopes up that everything will work out in the end, but I am still scared at times too. Kylie begging me not to die anytime soon really socked me in the gut.