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Thursday, April 8, 2010

thanks for the reminder-yes I know this is ALL my fault....

Doug is gone all of today and half of tomorrow....and I have been bored to tears here.  My sister stopped by, and I complained about our boredom and how much this all sucks, and she responded...."its your fault, they told you this would happen."  I reminded her that yes, when they told me to terminate my baby, they told me this COULD  happen.  Did I actually think that everything that could possibly go wrong would, leading me to this path of the journey??   I was fearful, but I didn't think it actually would all happen to me.  I know a lot of people are thinking the same thing as my sister.  I could have made one simple, different choice and be facing NONE of this.  Life would be simple again, I wouldn't have these dangers looming over my head, and my 5 other children wouldn't be jumping off the walls, bored to tears with me. 

I know my sister could care less about Ansen at this moment.  And its not that she doesn't love me, but she was on team terminate from the beginning.  She didn't understand why I didn't, especially with baby located in such a precarious spot and putting any chance of my life on the line to bring this baby into the world.  And I don't think its something I can ever explain to her or convince her of.  The second I saw that little tiny dot on the ultrasound screen with a heartbeat, I felt I had to fight for him.  If I had terminated, life would appear easier for me, but I don't think I would ever get over the guilt of not trying to give him the life he was fighting for.  28 weeks into this, I am certainly terrified at times, but I have peace in my heart that I have done the right thing, as hard as it is each and every day to face.  It IS all my fault...the whole thing, and I hope I don't ultimately have to pay the worst price for it, but I don't think Ansen's life is a mistake...not at all.  He wouldn't be here if he wasn't meant to be here.  When I was trying to conceive Kylie for many, many months (over 1.5 years)....I couldn't understand WHY it wasn't happening.  But it wasn't her time yet.  And when the right time came, she came.  And when it was their right time, Elise, Caden, Gavin and Rylan came.  And now Ansen has come....for us humans, it may seem like the wrong situation, the wrong time.  But God hasn't failed me yet when it has come to my life or the arrival of my kids.  So for now, I will full take and shoulder the blame for this "mess"...and I will hopefully cry tears of joy one day when this "mess" is safely in my arms. 

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