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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Lately, seems like I have more down days then up....

I don't know why that is and I don't like it one bit.  I am usually a very positive person.  I feel bad that most of my blog is something depressing about this or that.  I would rather not blog about any of the bad stuff and just keep the happy, hope filled parts of my blog...but I need to express all this going on in my head somewhere.  And I talk to Doug about a lot of it and he is SOOOOO optimistic....and I certainly appreciate his optimism. I just want my story to be one of hope and faith, but I am spending a lot of my days feeling like I am all alone, drifting in the middle of the ocean, struggling to keep afloat.  Today I woke up, and started thinking of what it was going to feel like being put to sleep for the surgery, what I would say to Doug before it happened (do I tell him not to hate Ansen if something happens to me??), what would happen to me during this...would I just wake up and feel pain and know I am alive, or would I just fall asleep and be done with the whole thing, and it just started my day off VERY poorly, to say the least.  Hence I had to get up and out of bed really early this morning to take my mind off of stuff. 

My kids are a great distraction most of the time, in that I spend most of my time snuggling, changing diapers, breaking up fights, answering questions, wiping noses, reading, critiquing art, teaching how to cross stitch, helping reconnect trailers to trucks, etc  When I am with my kids, I don't have much time to think...and at this time, I don't want to think.  I just want to enjoy the "now".  Its part of the reason why I am not looking forward to an extended stay at the hospital if that is to become my future reality...all that alone time, all that time to think about all this.  Just this morning, those few minutes alone with my thoughts have tortured my whole day.  Watching the kids blowing bubbles into their milk and making a huge mess right now is a very WELCOME (messy) distraction. 

On another blog, a fellow acreta mom had many signs from God that everything would be okay.  I am just hoping that maybe one of these days, I can have some kind of similar reassurance here.  At the beginning of the pregnancy, I had a few instances that helped strengthen my faith and got me through the beginning.  But since I have been officially diagnosed with acreta, then increta, and then suspected of percreta as well, I have been feeling all alone.  In the hospital, when they were talking delivery at 26 weeks, I was terrified and completely alone.  Just felt like everything has been spinning out of control, more and more...and I have no control anymore over any of it at all anymore.  Haven't had anything that has made me feel like this is definately going to be okay.  I instead start to question whether or not I made the right choices for me, Doug and the kids, albeit I have certainly made the right choice for Ansen.  And I try to have faith that God is with me this journey and that we will all make it through.  But why do I feel so alone then????  Can't I just have a little something....anything to reassure me here???

For the last few months, I have wondered if I should go on antidepressents, but its not like some magic pill is going to make me feel dramatically better.  This is no chemical imbalance I am feeling.  Its a sucky, depressing situation that no one in their right mind would want to get into that I am stuck in.  And unless I had a take away your memory pill to take, I highly doubt any of the downs will go away until this entire situation goes away.  I made my bed, now I have to lay in it...and I am just left to stay afloat while I hope for the best.  And think of the miracle of Ansen's existence.  And try to focus on the "could be" future we might be able to accomplish...a future that includes our entire family of 8, enjoying each other and living a meaningful life TOGETHER. 

For anyone that does read this, I am sorry I can't spill out sunshine and rainbows at this time.  Quite honestly, it was easier to be optimistic when I didn't know for sure that we were dealing with the worst case scenario.  And now, each day we get closer to bringing Ansen into this world with bigger, strong lungs means another day I am closer to finding out what the end of this story will be.  I certainly want the whole thing OVER (my uterus is aching ALL the time at the bottom, my bladder is aching, and I have to pee every 20 minutes), but I am SOOOOOO not ready for any not so happy endings to occur either.  I love my husband, I love my children, I love my family and friends...and I love my life.  I haven't learned enough.  I haven't experienced enough.  I haven't lived enough.  I haven't appreciated and been thankful enough.  Honestly, the happiest moment of my life will be when I wake up from surgery IN PAIN and ALIVE!  Because then, I will know this whole nightmarish pregnancy was 250% worth it.  That will be a wonderful moment indeed....

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