Of course, one of those days for me is a lot different then one of those days for anyone else at this moment in my life. The day after my horrible ultrasound, I am feeling my own mortality. And not liking it one bit. I want off this ride!!! But then I think about my sweet baby boy, who is fighting hard to get here. He is one of the only things1 that keeps me from completely losing it. Him and the 5 sweet kids I already have....and Doug of course. But besides them, I feel completely alone. Completely, utterly alone, stuck in my own mess I made myself.
I can't really talk to many people about this bc no one understands why I have gotten myself into this situation in the first place. I know many people think its my own fault. Why couldn't I stay happy with the 5 kids I already had. When I try to explain that I had the same feeling as I did before the other kids (the feeling that some little life was meant to be and wanted IN), I know what everyone is thinking. Its not worth the potential for risk. I should have thought of the 5 kids and husband I have first and foremost. Honestly, if I had had foresight that this would be my DEFINATE future, I have no idea what I would have chosen. But at the time, it was just a risk, depending on where baby implanted and what happened with placenta. There is so much uterus to implant on. Who would have thought that my baby would choose the absolute worst spot ever. And that my placenta would find the right conditions in my uterus to do what its now doing. Before any of this journey had begun, I thought of that little life and the life that had been laid out for him-Ansen was constantly on my thoughts, no matter how hard I tried to will him away..it was as if he was begging me to giveI would give me to give him a chance to live. And I thought intensely about which choice I would regret when I am 80...giving this little soul a chance at life...or not. Of course, now I am here begging God to hear my prayers and keep me safe, fully understanding that maybe I won't get to 80. Maybe I won't even make it past 30. Did I make the right choice?
I went to a board about acreta and asked some questions/told my story. One woman responded back about her experience and said that she had great peace writing "just in case" letters to people she cared about. And the tears started flowing here again. I have thought about it, and it scares the hell out of me to consider it. What would I write?? I would have to write Doug and beg him not to hate Ansen if I didn't make it, and I would have to write to the kids and tell them how special they are to me/how much I love them. I wanted Ansen's story to be a testament of my faith and hope during the lowest of times, hearing God's whispers in the darkest of days. But here I am feeling MIGHTY alone right now. Instead of feeling more faith, I am left feeling lost and deserted. What the heck kind of testament is it to my husband and kids if I have left them with a lifetime of sadness instead. I feel like Ansen's life is so full of worth, but is it wrong/selfish of me to think my own life is just as worthy??
I know I am not walking this walk alone, but it sure feels like it right now. As I try to process the new road we have begun on this journey, I need to keep my faith and hope. I can't lose who I am. I hope and pray that I can find some kind of peace on this scary, broken road I am traveling. Please, if you can, pray for me and this journey And as I travel, feeling alone, vulnerable and terrified, I will try to remember one of my favorite poems, to show me that I am never truly alone.
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."