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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

always on my mind....

One of my best friends had an abortion in May.  I am 110% against ending a life and I begged and pleaded her not to, and I cried more then I have ever cried (well before this pregnancy anyways).  And in the end, she did it anyways.  I didn't know if I could ever talk to her again.   It went against EVERYTHING I believe life to be about.  I have always followed the mantra that life happens for a reason, and every child is a gift to us.  I just couldn't understand how she could call her own baby, her third child, nothing but the "potential of a baby".  We still talk all the time, we get our kids together all the time, but my heart still hurts all the time about it.  I NEVER bring it up bc honestly, I don't want to hear her  justification for it.  And I wonder all the time things like: "did she ever regret it?"  "how did she feel once the babies due date came and went?"  "has she asked for forgiveness...does she even feel like she needs forgiveness for this abortion?" 

The day she had the abortion was one of the worst days of my life.  I knew abortions happened in this world, but I knew well enough to stay away from anyone who would go through such a thing; I surrounded myself by like minded people and I never saw something like this colliding with my life.  And when I knew it was over, I saw that baby's whole lifepath (everyone they would bring joy to, everyone they would touch in life, the love and the laughs, his/her interaction with 2 other siblings, future family from this little one, etc) all the sudden erased.  And that was that.  It was like being punched in the stomach, the reality of the whole thing.

I keep wondering WHY I am still so deeply affected by this.  Last night, I was watching the Silent Scream on youtube.....I won't get into it, but its about this topic.  Why do I have to torture myself reading stuff about it/watching stuff about was her decision, why does it still hurt me so much??  When I had bleeding that started at 5.5 weeks and then I was told I needed to terminate this pregnancy at 6 weeks pregnant (the same time my friend terminated her baby's life), I felt like I was being punished by God for not trying hard enough to save her baby's life.  I was willing to do ANYTHING to give my baby a chance at life, and I fought.  And he fought just as hard.  Now, here I am, 24.5 weeks pregnant...with a frightening delivery to "look forward to".  And I am so grateful that I am feeling my little man moving all around right now as I type.  My little miracle boy.   But WHY am I still having problems processing/understanding my friend's choice....all these months later?  Why can't I just forgive and forget. 

I just don't get this world. "It's not a baby."  "It's a choice."  "It's just a ball of cells."  My ball of cells was not supposed to be here...first I was supposed to end my ball of cells, then I was losing my ball of cells due to a subchorionic hemmorhage, yet here my ball of cells sits within me, kicking me.  To her, it was nothing but ending a potential at life for a convenience factor.  To me, ending my ball of cells would have been like ending the life of one of my other children, already here on this Earth.   She had difficult life situations (going to nursing school with an unsupportive husband), but so did I (being told that I was at great risk for acreta bc of where baby implanted and wanting to be there for my 5 other children).  And here I wait now, kinda terrified at times, hoping and praying that my life will be safe bringing this little life into the world...whereas her life hasn't changed much seemingly from pre-abortion to post-abortion. 

So yes, I am having a hard time processing.  I don't want her life to be hard or unhappy and I think it majorly sucks that she felt so backed in a corner that the only way out of a hard situation was ending the life of one of her children (bc she really loves her other two and was initially excited about having a third and last child), but I also don't want my life to be this hard or unhappy for valuing the life of an unborn child as much as I do.  I am in this weird place, facing my own potentially hard and scary ending (which I ultimately hope is still happy), while processing that this goes on ALL THE TIME in this world, with seemingly "life goes on/its one big happy ending"....and that it doesn't even make half the population even blink an eye.  I just wish I could find a way to "turn my feelings off" from the whole abortion thing.   I used to be able to turn a blind eye to the topic.  And now its a part of my life, in this weird little way.  And I hate it.  *sigh*

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