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Monday, March 29, 2010

How am I feeling?

Most of the time, I have a sense of peace about my delivery.  Even though I have now been diagnosed with pretty much the worst case scenario (placenta percreta), I spend about 90% of my time feeling confident that everything will be fine in the end.  Its just this weird sense of calm that comes over me.  Of course, the other 10% of the time, I start feeling human and worrying about my own mortatlity, start thinking about the worst case "what ifs" and get myself really freaked out.  And those times are NOT fun!!  But mostly, I feel like Ansen and I will be fine at the end of this all.   Doug feels the same way. 

I am in NO WAY looking forward to this delivery at all, especially the moment before I have to be put to sleep.  I want to cry thinking of that.  I am sure that will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in all of my life; to give that moment to my doctors and ultimately to God and then to have hope that I wake up at the end of it all.  I just need to keep my faith and hope in all this.  I like to think about the future-about Ansen being 2 years old, and me ALIVE looking at him with love and amazement, remembering the efforts and miracles it took to give him that life. 

So all in all, I guess I am feeling a bit of everything.  I never would wish the magnitude of feelings I have going on anyone...its a lot for one person to take.  I am just hoping I am strong enough to get through this all in the end-hoping that at the end, this story can be one of inspiration, hope and faith. 

1 comment:

  1. Melissa,

    Wanted you to know, Shannon is updated me on what is going on. I'm glad I found your blog. I have it up constantly and clicked "reload" and was so happy to see an update. I'm praying for you and Ansen. I hope you are able to rest in that peace from God more and more ... but it has to be a very challenging place to be, mentally.

    I guess the hardest thing for me, is to even start to think that God cares about my family as much as I do, and that He will continue to take care of them and love them even without me. I don't know, just thoughts and things I have struggled with, no where NEAR being in the position you are to truly live out such a belief ....

    Keep resting ... Ansen, keep growing!!!!

    God bless!!!!
    ~Ashley~ (Jonash2004)