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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

So incredibly grateful

I know I left off with the last post so negative, but I am so incredibly grateful most of the time here.   I DO think I am going to still need the prozac to get me through the first few months of postpartum, just bc this has not been a normal pregnancy experience whatsoever and I guess I am processing it with the anxiety that is showing up out of the blue now-something I have little control over. 

All in all, I have 1000 thankyous to write and a 1000 ways to express my apprecation for this experience.  My baby that I was told had no chance at life is alive and in this world.  It's hard to describe what it feels like to look at your baby and know they shouldn't be here.  I felt his little soul on me all these years and I was terrified of trying to bring it into this world...I guess I just "knew" I was heading into dangerous territory this pregnancy.  We went back and forth about trying, and in the end we just put all our faith in God that there must be a reason he was putting this little soul, tugging at my heart 24/7.   The baby that I was told that I had NO choice but to terminate.  I can still remember the doctor explaining all the methods of termination to me, so nonchalantly...and here I was, thinking of that pulsating dot on ultrasound, holding on for dear life...just trying to live.  That little soul was NOT disposable, as much as the dr tried to convince me.  At that moment, I had no choice but to choose my baby's life, even after being told it could be potentially very dangerous for me.  And then I was told he was almost definately miscarrying-his sac had slipped down and there was little hope.  But still he fought to live.  And I fought for him to live.  Finding out at 26 weeks that delivery might be inevitable....and that my baby might not live after all was terrifying and devastating.  And then to find out after the fact that I had now put my life at jeopardy and was facing a potentially catastrophic delivery...all for this little life.  Its been a very difficult 9 months, but I look at Ansen's sweet face, and I am looking at a miracle.  A miracle that shouldn't be here.  My thankfulness for Ansen cannot be described. 

Also thankful to get a 2nd chance of life myself.  You don't realize how amazing your life and this world is until you have to sit there and face losing it all.  So many people realize this life lesson way too late.  How grateful I am now to not just get wet, but to actually FEEL the rain now of life.  To feel life with all my soul and being each and every moment, and to know just what a precious gift my life is....and Ansen's...and everyone's!!!!

I was talking to a friend and I was surprised to hear her say that my story had inspired her to call her dr today and get her IUD out for a 4th and last child that she had convinced herself the last 5 years that she didn't need.  I didn't know what to say.  Part of me wonders why she isn't scared out of her mind to have another after all I have gone through here.    But for others to see this as such a joyful, happy ending that we do...well that really makes my heart sing with joy!!!  It has been amazing (and amazingly difficult) but every tiny bit of it was so incredibly worth it.  Every day I get to go to the NICU and hold hands with a miracle here on Earth.  My miracle.  Thank you God!

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