First of all, recovering from this. My stomach iss so swollen and painful and that scar is just as much fun to look at as it is to feel, especially when getting up and moving around.
Today has been a REALLY hard day for me. I have been doing so well, that I was sent home this afternoon. Without my baby. Without getting to hold my baby even ONCE yet. I am having a hard time with this. Nobody knows what it feels like to have to face a surgery, knowing that you might be alive to meet your baby after all is said and done. Well, I have found it to be almost nearly as hard for me to have live through this experience, only to not get to hold my baby at all. They cover just about every part of him up and I am lucky to hold a finger in the NICU. And then they cover that up. I just want to hold my baby and feel that he is real. That any of this is real. I have fought for this baby since the start, and I still don't feel like we won here. I keep crying about it....and just feeling really out of it. I told the drs discharging me about how sad I am (crying the whole time about it). They said they would take care of it, and then I heard them ask the nurse to "send a psych eval to room 2742". That made me feel really good. So then this guy that looked like Alton Brown with a crazy neon green tie came in to talk. Well I told him what I am feeling and I left the hospital with a prescription for percocet, ibuprofin AND prozac. And maybe I need it. As painful as recovery has been, I think the mental anguish of this last few days has been that much more.
And the NICU has made one mistake after another with Ansen, hense he is right about where he was 4 days ago. They tried to wean him too quickly off of ventilator for 3 days, then had to go completetly back to day 1 once they realized that....and then they decided it was easier to have him heavily sedated the last two days, only to find out today that is actually messing with his blood gas levels. So off of most of that today. I just want to hold my baby boy, see his little face without tubes and wires and covers over it, I just want to hold his hand for hours.....I want to hold and feed him and breathe in his smell and have that moment to finally cry out my thankfullness to God that we both made it out of this healthily. Right now, it feels like he is never going to get any better. Its so hard. Maybe I did need the Alton with the neon green tie. *sigh*