I hemmed and hawed about going for that 6th baby of mine. I did NOT want to go through another pregnancy and risk anything, when I had so much to lose. I just felt danger when I thought of another pregnancy (for good reason it appears). And some days I convinced myself to be happy with the 5 I had. I was sure of it. But then this little bit of doubt would creep in, as I would imagine this little person added to our family; this little soul kept pestering me, and I couldn't stop thinking about the reward at the end, and then I would become unsure again. Perhaps if I thought more positively, things could go more positively and I could bring this last little person in the world? But it felt like danger. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth I went. I have NEVER felt that way for any of my other children.
When I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was filled with joy AND fear. Wondering what the heck I had gotten mysef into.....and if it would be worth it. And after all this nightmare, after all the tears and heartache and paralyzing fear and sadness and pain and bedrest and NICU and hospital stays and surgeries and just plain craziness related to this pregnancy, I only have one thing to say.
HE WAS WORTH IT.
Every tear and every fear. Every surgery so far and in the future. Its strange to look at one of your children and know that you almost convinced yourself not to have him. And then you almost were convinced to terminate him. And then you almost lost him again to miscarriage. And then you almost had to deliver him at 26 weeks (which knowing his crappy lung status at 36 weeks, is terrifying to consider now). He shouldn't be here. Anyone who had half a brain would probably have stopped while they were ahead. But I followed my heart, hoped and prayed really hard, and we have not had an easy go of it for sure. But he is here. I just want to burst into tears when I consider him NOT being here with us right now. Not seeing the sweet little faces he makes, how he stares so intently at us, it feels like he is staring INTO us...at our souls. Not seeing how much my kids are smitten with him. Not being able to see how sweet Gavin is wanting to give him all his med bottles proudly, seeing how Rylan pats his head and calls him his Baby Ahhhnnnn. Not being able to hear Caden say proudly "mommy I LOVE my baby brudder so much". Not seeing Elise with Ansen cuddled on her chest while sucking her thumb, Kylie happily changing Ansen's little diaper while talking about the 4-10 kids she and Elise will have (so far named Vanessa, Lily, Michael and John at the moment). Not seeing Doug holding him, hearing him say that he is so happy that we added him to our family-that he is the perfect final addition. Not being able to hold him myself, smell his sweet baby smell, having him cuddle into my chest, as he happily and peacefully drifts off to sleep, with not a worry in the world.
I consider the other road I could have taken. The easier road. The far less painful road. The far less crazy road. Our life would probably be pretty simply right now, not having had to go through the last year of hardship. But my heart wouldn't be bursting with that happiness and fullness I feel, now knowing for sure I have all the kids I was meant to. I have that last baby, the one that shouldn't be here, but IS.... bc he really WAS supposed to be here, with us, in my arms, in our family, with his brothers and sisters.
2 years ago, I didn't know if it would ultimately happen. I didn't know if we could let that last baby in our hearts into our life. Thank you God for the courage He gave us to give it a try, and to move forward every time it seemed like we had nowhere to go but down. It certainly hasn't been an easy journey. But worthwhile? Oh yes. I would do it all again in a heartbeat, just to bring him into our lives again; to complete our family, to see that joy in my children's faces, to see him cuddled in the arms of alll the family and friends that love and appreciate his little life as much as we do, to hear those little content sighs as Ansen lays snuggled into me. 2 years ago, I didn't know what true hardship was, nor did I know what true joy could feel like. And now......we do.