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Saturday, July 17, 2010

getting through those why me's....

*sigh*  To go through a pregnancy dealing with placenta percreta is enough of a nightmare to last a lifetime.  To have your baby intubated for a week and in the NICU for 23 days is tortuous.  To have a baby home on meds every 3 hours, as well as necesitating monitors and oxygen is a challenge for sure, for the healthiest of people.  And to have your entire wound opened up in surgery,to have it keep going bad on the inside, to have it continuously scraped out clean over and over and over again in surgery after surgery, to face a recovery of 6-8 weeks after you get the problems on the inside under control.....well I don't have words to describe it.  And to deal with THIS ALL, one after the other...without a break in sight.  Well, I can say its absolutely hellish....nothing I would wish on my worst enemy.  Positively crushing.  I try to remain positive and hopeful, but my spirit is breaking with this all.  WHY ME?  What have I done so bad to deserve all this horrible stuff to happen, one thing after another.  I fought for Ansen's life and I can hardly take care of him by myself now.  We have used up all Doug's FMLA time, he has no sick/vacation/personal time left after what we have ALREADY gone through.  So now I will have to face future hospitalizations/surgeries/recoveries by myself, unless they fit into his work schedule.  Well unless he wants to get fired that is. We had much help back when this all started....but truthfully 16 weeks later, just about everyone has disappeared now.  Can I blame them?  This thing is never going to end.  I PROMISED my kids during the bedrest that life would resume back to normal quickly after Ansen was born.  Now I wonder if there will ever be a normal ever again??   It's very discouraging.  Why me?  Why us?  Why my family?  Did we do things in our life that made us deserve this?  I try to stay strong and believe that God will lead me through this...but I would be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes I think God has forgotten about us here.  When I tell people about our string of "luck", its almost laughable.  I mean, WHO has this kind of stuff happen all at once?? One after the other after the other??  REALLY???  Everyone expects me to be the same person I was before all this.  Well sometimes I have a hard time finding that person.  I try to stay positive and look forward to the future...but every day when I am continuously slapped in the face by the pain of this-when I have to take meds first thing in the morning and wait a good hour to feel decent again, and the fact that I am about as useful as an invalid.....well the "why me's" come out more and more and more lately.  And a little bit more of my positive optimism just *poofs* away.    I have been trying to stay myself, looking forward to this 2nd opinion on Tuesday, hoping its my knight in shining armour....the hopeful light at the end of the tunnel.  But what if its not?  What if its nothing but another dead end?  I worry about that, bc yet more hope will *poof* away.  I worry about what nightmare we might have to face next, since good news doesn't seem to be scheduled into our lives at the moment.  How could fighting for good (in my sweet baby boy's life) result in so much bad, one thing after another after another?  It just doesn't make sense.  But much in this world doesn't make sense I guess.  God doesn't give you what you can't I have heard....pray that that saying is true for me and my family.   Because we have been having to handle too much lately.  We are all weary and feeling eun down.  But how can I complain when so many others have to deal with so much other negative stuff in this world.  My heart hurts for so many other's that are going through difficult journeys in their lives at the moment.  What right do I have to feel sorry for myself?  The why me's are certainly not something I enjoy feeling, not something I want in my life.  I just hope that Tuesday IS the beginning our light at the end of the tunnel, so that we can once again feel some hope of normalcy one day....even if its no time soon.

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