Not for the weak of heart....SERIOUSLY graphic

This is my before and after infection picture.  It makes me sick to look at it myself. And who cares about belly buttons I know, but I miss mine...not that I ever really cared about it before.  Just mourning it still though.  The black thing inside mside is the sponge, that is connected to the wound vac.  That is what has to be painfully removed and replaced every 2 days.  Every day I wake up in pain and I am daunted by the fact that I still have many, many, many weeks left of recovery,   And I can't take a shower again until this is all healed.  Showers are my escape to go relax for 15 minutes of my day (even when I have an audience, something about that soothing hot water).  Doug now has to wash my hair in the sink and I guess I will just do a sponge bath kind of thing.  NOT the same.  I go through many feel sorry for myself moments throughout the day, but then I snap out of it.  It could have been worse.  I am alive.  After placenta percreta AND a massive bacterial infection/abscess hidden within me.  In 2 months, hopefully I will finally feel back to myself...as much as I can after all this.  I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn't think it would be THIS hard.  God is most certainly still with me....my faith carries me when I don't think I can take another step forward with this all.  But I am not going to lie.  This sucks.  This hurts.  I am sick of having a heck of a time getting up out of a chair, hurting every move I make, being connected to wires that I have to carry around 24/7, having these tubes that are sucking out fluids out of my wound 24/7....none of it is easy at all.  For short, fleeting moments, I will think "boy, did I piss off God or what to deserve this".  But my heart always comes back to the truth of the matter.  God has worked miracles for me and Ansen, and this will pass.  Others have had to go through way more painful journeys, both physically and of the heart.  6-8 weeks of this may feel like eternity, but it WILL pass eventually. I gotta keep believing that...and hoping and praying for others who are having as hard/if not harder journeys then I am right now.

Tomorrow I have an appt at wound care center, so they can pull this all apart  and make sure things still look right inside/all around.  I am scared of going in and finding out they need to cut out more.  And not looking forward to the pain of it all either.  It makes me feel sick to think about taking any more steps backwards with this mess.  I just want to recover from this all.  But in the end, I will do whatever I have to, to ultimately be there for my kids and Doug.   And so I keep taking steps forward, one at a time, even when I don't want to.  Thank goodness I have my kids, who help distract me for moments throughout the day from this mess.  I am very blessed to have them all.  And when I hold Ansen and he stares at me, it feels like he can see right into my soul.  He gives me strength, ...even when sometimes it feels like I have none left.  So thankful for my life, my children, my husband, my friends, my family....so many blessings that I need to concentrate on while I trudge along this not so very pleasant at all, painful, feels like it will last forever and never end, path.