4 weeks ago, I was told "it's a boy!". And I mourned. For quite a while.for many days. Yesterday, I was told again "it's a boy!" And I celebrated. And told EVERYONE (ermmmm, except my dad). I have been doing a lot of thinking about this obviously to get to this point. I feel pretty rotten for being so upset about it not being a girl the first time, but hey, I am human. I thought it was a girl and it felt like my girl I had dreamed about had died. In all reality though, it was this baby boy that "should" have died, with all the craziness he had to get through to make it here.
First, I have now been told by the perinatologist that most people who have had a uterine embolization (which I had after the twins were born to help stop hemmorhaging) are not able to get pregnant. It doesn't pose a risk to my pregnancy, but it usually makes it near impossible for a baby to implant in uterus in the first place. My little ball of cells should NOT have been able to implant and would have died...but he didn't. He somehow found somewhere to implant (although not the best location near my scar). He was determined he would live.
Then I was told to terminate the pregnancy immediately bc of how the placement of the sac looked on ultrasound to ob. I would guess that most people would have followed the advice of a doctor that they trust and would have gone on with it. When I asked if there were any other patients that have had this turn out positively, she said that all her other patients with this have terminated. For some reason, this just didn't sit with me at all. And as she started explaining methods of termination, I felt more and more strongly that I would do EVERYTHING in my power to give this baby a chance. And that immediately terminating the pregnancy would not be the first course of action for me. Reluctantly, the ob granted me my wish to get second opinion. And although I was terrified, I felt peace that I was able to buy my baby a little more time. He was determined to live after all.
Later that day, I was reassured that what ob had diagnosed was most likely NOT the case and that I would not need to terminate. But that the reason she had dignosed this was bc the sac had started separating from my uterus and had slipped down. And there was a huge hemmorhage going on where that separation of sac/uterus was. I was told it was almost a guarantee that I was in the process of miscarrying and perinatologist gave me a heartfelt "I'm sorry". I knew it wasn't good. I was at peace though that I wouldn't have to end my own child's life. And I was crushed that this life was going to end so quickly. But I had seen that tiny little heartbeat, and there was the tiniest part of me that tried to keep hopeful. My baby might have its home separating/slipping away, but he was fighting hard to be in this world. He was perfect sized and had that heartbeat. He was so determined to live and I just hoped and prayed that my body wouldn't fail him.
Throughout the week I bled. And I had some small clots. And when it came time for my ultrasound a week later, I was scared of what I would see on the screen. Yet there was my baby boy, who had grown and had a much faster heartbeat. Surrounded by the same hemmorhage. Perinatologist was pleasantly surprised, but said it could go either way at this point-since hemmorhage was still the same size. But I felt hope. My baby was determined to live.
3 weeks later, I had yet another ultrasound. And there was my baby-looking like a real baby and not a grain of rice. Kicking up a storm. Showing me that he was most determined to live. And with further ultrasounds, I have had his placenta completely cover my cervix and my scars....but he is still getting what he needs. And growing really well (measuring at 20 weeks in all measurements at 19 weeks). I might have initially mourned the girl that I "felt" had died in my mind, but its most certainly time for me to celebrate the life of the boy that should have died. But didn't.
As much as I might assume I know the perfect formula to my life, God always knows better. We are only human and can only get a glimpse of the world/life. He, and ONLY He, is able to see the big picture of life. He gave us this little boy with a strong will to live bc this little boy is meant to be in our family. And he is meant to live in this world. And he has a purpose in life, like we all do, that only God knows for now. I can't wait to meet the little person that God has blessed us with. I can't wait to see what is laid out in God's plan for our little boy. He is already so special to my life, bc he is my little miracle baby. He shouldn't be here after all he has been through. But he is. He is, after all, determined to live. And determined to be in my arms one day. And determined to meet his Daddy. And determined to get to know his sisters and brothers. Once we get him safely into this world, there will be SOOOO many tears of gratitude...and happiness. And maybe some tears of sadness that I was ridiculous enough to be so sad that he wasn't some magic gender. I am so thankful for my sweet baby boy. Keep on growing and being the little fighter you are Ansen-we can't wait to meet you in June!!!