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Friday, February 19, 2010

Bad dreams....

I keep having bad dreams this pregnancy, all about scary, c-section/delivery stuff.  I believe with all my heart this baby was meant to be in our family, but I am really starting to get anxious about the delivery and risks after all these bad dreams.  *sigh*  I just want July to be here, and the c-section/recovery to be over and behind me.  I just want to be holding my baby boy, and enjoying what a miracle he is, without all the stress of the looming delivery.  I am 21 weeks today, and I am so excited to be getting so far, but then getting nervous as all heck as we get further and further into pregnancy and closer to the dreaded delivery.  Its just a weird pregnancy, having to worry about all this stuff.  *sigh* 

It would have been easier for sure NEVER having to go through all this stress and anxiety.....thats a given.  I am positive when I tell a lot of people about the pregnancy and the complete placenta previa/risks, I KNOW what they are thinking.  They are thinking why the heck would she even think of taking any kind of risk, she already had 5 kids, whats her deal?   I felt this baby on our heart since the twins were born, and I didn't enter a 100% chance of risk situation; there was still a good chance that baby would implant away from scars and all would be great.  But God had other plans for this pregnancy.  Ansen implanted down low, just like his brother Gavin.  Gavin's implantation site gave me a LOT of headache, but if he hadn't found that place to make his home, he wouldn't be here today.  I can't imagine my life without Gavin, and I am sure others feel the same way.  And I hope to prove everyone that life wouldn't be the same without Ansen either...I want all those that think I am just purely an idiot now, to see the joy and gift that Ansen will be to our life and everyone's lives.  I want to be able to say HA, see... following my heart and bringing this last little person to this world was most certainly worth the arudous journey

But truthfully, I spend a lot of my time worried and scared.  I am human, and although I am sure that God has big plans for Ansen, I just hope and pray that He also still has big plans for me after this delivery.  I wish I could see His plans for July and after...mostly so that I could hopefully stop worrying and dreaming about the unknown.  Yes, I am surely anxious for July to be here.  I want to be reveling in my moment; my moment to celebrate having Ansen safely in my arms, my moment to celebrate having made it safely through a difficult delivery, and my moment to share the specialness of my Ansen with the whole world. 

Only about 15-17 weeks til I can hopefully make that my reality.  Now all I hope is that I don't have another 15-17 weeks of these bad dreams.  They just crush my spirits and chip away at my hope.  How about a good delivery dream??  Just one??


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