22 weeks tomorrow....

I am just counting down the weeks til viability.  Considering how horrible the beginning of this pregnancy went, that goal is going to be very much CELEBRATED once I meet it.  Another 4 weeks and I will feel like I am finally in a good place.  I have been nervous every pregnancy, most especially with the twins....but I think this pregnancy tops the cake.  Every day feels like years.  I have a hard time really believing that I will really hold this baby one day....I am just on a constant state of caution after all we have been through.  I have yet to buy much of anything for this baby, which is very unlike me also.  I hate feeling that way.  I love this baby boy so much.  I want this baby boy so much.  I love feeling him move and reassuring me he is still happy and healthy.  But I am still just feeling very cautious.  I just want the pregnancy to be said and done, so that I can finally have that moment where I hold my miracle baby boy for the first time, and I can finally cry out and unleash those 9 months of worry.

So other then all that, I have a wicked cold which includes a stuffy/runny nose (a very intesting combination that I am NOT loving) and just a generally icky, not well feeling.  Pregnancy colds are always fun.  I feel bad bc I was SOOOOO cranky today with the kids, but its hard when I am running at about 10% and they are running at 110% each. 

I am also finding that I am having some anxiousness every now and then.  *sigh*  Back after Caden was born (my 1st son) I started having anxiety attacks.  Horrible, horrible things.   You feel like you are dying basically.  Feels like you are suffocating...you just can't seem to get enough oxygen and  like something is going wrong with your heart, bc its racing like crazy and its this sense of panic and doom.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  After I was diagnosed with that, I took medicine for a few months...and ended up being able to wean myself off the meds and I was fine.  As long as I don't drink too much caffeine that is.  Caffeine starts everything ALL OVER AGAIN!  Well today, I ate a big dinner (when I should have only eaten half of it) and that in combination with my stuffed up nose and my baby that is already sitting up high and crowding me....well it started that "I'm not getting enough oxygen/panic feeling" and once it starts, its hard to talk yourself down/out of it.  I checked my fingernails to reasure myself that I was FINE (fingernails would turn blue if I wasn't getting enough oxygen) and then I took some Tums and tried to find a position to sit where baby wasn't crowding me so much.  It took like an hour to get that panicky feeling to go away.  I hate dealing with it, especially when Doug isn't home. :(  Another thing to mention to my doctors at my next appointment (with ultrasound) next Wednesday. 

Only 6 more days to go til I get to see Ansen again.  Hope he is continuing to grow well, and that my placenta is continuing to behave itself.  *crossing fingers*