Beyond discouraged right now.....

Like our ongoing back luck would have it, things have turned south again.  Figures.  You know, I just don't know how much more I can take of all this.  Why is everything so hard?  When can I stop going through the hard?????  It's sad but today, I am starting to wonder if I did something along the way to  that really displeased God, bc it just doesn't seem fair we can't get a break.  I am feeling broken. :(

Last night I went to bed like usual.  I have been a bit more sore then at surgery, but everything looked great on incision still.  At 1 am, Ansen woke me up to eat and upon sitting up, I noticed my shorts and bed were SOAKED.  I was frantically scrambling to find my phone so I could what was all over me, I was terrified that it was blood.  Finally I found and turned on my phone, and then found that it was a bloody fluid that was streaming out of the bottom of my sutured abdomen.  I threw a pad on it and fed the baby bc he was really starting to scream by then, then went to further investigate it.  I had soaked that pad in like 15 minutes and I was kind of freaking out, since Doug was at work and it was just me and the kids.  I taped two more abdominal pads over it and tried to go back to sleep, feeling very sick and worried about it. 

My nurse came this morning, pressed on my abdomen and fluid started and kept pouring out again.  She took this special long, sterile qtip, and stuck it in to where the fluid was coming out.  Yeah, I have a hole IN my abodomen.  My last surgery before this one, I came out of my debridment with a hole that was 6 cm deep and 9 cm long.  Well she measured and I now have a hole INSIDE me, covered by my sutured skin, that is  7.5 cm deep and 10 cm long.  Since most of my skin is now closed, its pooling up inside me and then pouring out when it gets full.  How awesome is that??  So basically I have this HUGE risk of infection again, due to this fluid sitting around too long and getting infected.  Nurse is waiting for a call back from dr, but its looking like they will have to pack this giant hole inside me to keep it from not draining and getting infected, but all through this tiny hole left in my abdomen?  Anyone remember how my whole infection started??  A tiny hole in my abdomen from surgery, where stuff collected up within me, became infected and just ATE right through all my healthy tissue.   I can't believe I have gone through all this, just to be right back here.  WHY did I go through with that last surgery to close things up and be done with it all.  Seriously, I know you are supposed to trust your drs, but inside my head, I wanted to run from this surgery.  I just felt like it was bad news and I told Doug that, but we talked it over and he said it all sounded like it made sense and we could finally put this past us and how nice would it be to have a closed abdomen.  And of course, it did sound nice.  I let that little voice screaming within me be quieted with thoughts of an autumn with a closed stomach.

This sucks.  Plain old fricken sucks.  No filters today on my language....It's just not fair!!!  I went through hell and back to bring Ansen to this world.  CAN I GET A BREAK NOW....PLEASE!!!  Just waiting to hear back from my nurse as to whether we will start packing again, whether I will get to start having twice a day nurse visits (which would mean I would have to see that horrible night nurse again who gave me grief about going out in the van for rides-supposed to be 100% homebound, no ands, ifs or buts.  Whatever.  It all makes sense...you know, sense in the world that has been my life for too long-since spring was ruined, summer was ruined, why not fall be ruined as well.   No rest for the weary.  *cry*