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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Disturbing book I am reading, to go along with everything else....

In blogs I read, so many people recommended to read the book Radical: Taking Back your Faith from the American Dream.  That it would be eye opening/life changing/truly inspirational.  Although I agreed with the preface of book, upon reading it (I have gotten about 1/4 way through) I have found it to very discouraging.  So much so, that I don't want to read anymore at this moment.  That God may love you, but he loves Himself more...and that in the grand scheme of things, things may and will happen for His ultimate good rather then your own personal good.  And I know this sounds like I am being selfish here, wanting my own good here as well, but I have spent 30 years thinking that our good IS also God's good.  Just like if my kids act in a good and riteous way, then I am rewarded with my pride for them.  But instead, this book states that in the grand scheme of things, God cares about Himself and His glory first and foremost, and we play second fiddle to that.  Of course, wrong book to read when you keep having one thing after another going wrong for you, after acting out in a way that you hope has glorified God and his creation (Ansen). 

I don't want a medal here, but I have tried really hard to live the life that I feel God has lead us towards.  And I have always had the mindset that God cares deeply for us, and that negative in one aspect will ultimately lead to some other positive  aspect later in life.  That God can see the big picture when we can't, and that I solely need to trust Him and do my best to live out a good and faithful life, exemplifying His love for us.  But I am beaten down right now...and suddenly I start thinking maybe the book is right.  What good is all this suffering doing for me?  Have I been forgotten for God's other newer projects?  Cast aside once God received His glory for Ansen's story?  I have been through hell and back.  I had to go into a surgery, knowing full well that I might be giving up my life for my son's....that I might not see my other 5 children or my husband or even meet my own baby for a lifetime.  Then to have 4 months of painful healing, painful surgeries to deal with.  And then to be *this* close and poof, back to square one.  How is it in my best interest to continue this on and on...and on??   Where is the good that is supposed to come out of this?

I am sitting here, with my abdomen burning like crazy from both sides (which is probably bc the inside is filling up with wound fluid, swelling a bit and pulling on sutures-but no worries, it will pour out of the hole I now have as soon as I lay down to go to sleep).  I love Ansen so much and would never change what I had to do to bring him life bc I truly believe he is meant to be here, but why is it that it seems that in this life, the good are rewarded with bad and the bad are rewarded with good.  If I had terminated his pregnancy, my health would be great, our finances would be dramatically better (weeks/months off and FMLA have pretty much left us behind on everything, with little hopes of catching up til tax time).  And perhaps I could have gone on to have a less troubling pregnancy after the fact.  But that is not what I chose, bc I don't believe God creates any life as a mistake.  I don't ask to be rewarded with money and gifts for all I have been through, all I want and have begged for is my health back.  I want a closed abdomen (that is truly closed and not just closed at the surface).  That is all I ask.  I feel like any other issues we deal with in life (money issues and such) are petty in comparison to this.  I don't have the kind of life that affords me 4+ months to recover from surgery.   The  meals stopped coming to our house the day I delivered Ansen, there are no helpers assisting us with the daily tasks of keeping this house running anymore (and that does not even include cleaning, which I gave up on a long time ago).   I can't keep going through infections and surgeries and pain when I have 6 children that count on me as the stay at home parent.  Doug is a few call outs from being fired from his job at this point-he has used any and all time off he could, as well as all his allotted FMLA.  I am having a hell of a time keeping up with our homeschooling bc of this nightmare...and I love teaching my children.  When I am not dealing with nurse visits and doctor appts and surgeries and wound fluid pouring out of my abdomen, we have such a great time.  I have had to give up on so many things I love to bring Ansen into this world.  And yet, it just continues to get harder and harder.

I was *this* close to the end with this wound, really excited and feeling like FINALLY some things might start looking up for us (or at least evening out).  And then my wound dr tells me I need surgery to close up remaining, I trust him as the professional here, and now I will pay for it with another month or two of healing/pain/uncomfortableness.  Where is the good in this situation?  What could it possibly be leading me towards that would make this a worthy experience.  It feels more like a torture-brought to my breaking point over and over again-only to be strung along slightly to make me think we might be turning a corner, only to crash hard again.  And again.  And again. 

So should I continue reading up more about this Radical God, in this supposedly life changing book.  Am I supposed to accept that I am nothing more then a chess piece in this game of life, and the loss of my piece is of little detriment to God?  I don't know.   Like I said, I started reading this book bc I do believe so many people have made the American dream the focus of their life, putting God on the back burner til a "later" time.   I don't question that this world has too many people focusing their lives wrongly on materialistic whims.  I love a good shopping trip as well as anyone (good sale=the ultimate shopping high), but I have really tried to be more cautious on putting material things ahead of our spiritual path.  I do try to act in a way that pleases God as well.  And I have always been a believer that God will test your faith at one point or another, to see if you can stand strong when the going gets tough (to weed out those that talk the talk, but won't walk the walk when the going gets tough).  Did I not pass the first 10 tests though??  Is that why we are at where we are at.  Have I been forgotten?  Or is this all the work of Satan??  Or what?  I just don't know, but it just plain sucks.  And not finding my supposedly inspirational read all that inspiring at the moment.....

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