Although I don't know how many people really read here on a normal basis, I guess this has become my place to rant and rave about how unfair this is. I was hoping that maybe some miracle things would heal up instead of spiral downward. Nurse came today, squeezed a heck of a lot of junk (aka wound fluid) out of my abdomen, then took her sterile q tip to measure how far this thing extends to see if there was any improvement. Well of course not, it actually extended FURTHER. This just majorly sucks. I know where this is headed. I have been here before. I think its worse knowing just exactly I would be getting into now, having to have my stomach cut open and debrided, and then dealing with wound packing and changes and I am sure the mention of wound vacs. To have to go through ALL THAT again, for many months. I just want to cry thinking about it.
I am praying that it won't keep heading south. Praying and begging God. The night before, I told Satan to leave me and my family the hell alone (just in case this is his doing). Every day, I am dreading the nurse visits....just waiting for the visit where things change for the worst. Nurse said today that dr said that if I get a temperature or wound fluid changes, I am to head to the hospital. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! I know, I know life isn't fair. Suck it up Melissa. Get over it. You are alive. And I appreciate that. And I thank God for that just about every moment I remember to. I thank God for Ansen and my other children and Doug and the world around us. I think its cruel though-for me to get to the point where I was feeling normal...to the point where everything had healed up but this little, tiny part....to the point where I could see the end in sight. The joy I felt. And now its been replaced my dread. And fear that I might not make it through this a second time, if that's the journey I am meant to take. :( At the beginning of the year, I wrote a post about how 2010 was going to be OUR year to shine. And its been everything but that. It's been the worst year I have actually ever experienced. Many times, I didn't even think I would make it out of 2010 to 2011. WHY?? All I want to know is why...what we did to need to go through all this.
Still hoping really hard that we can avoid going down this same, horrible road again. But I gotta tell you-hearing that that sterile qtip extended even further into my middle this morning stole that much more of my hope. And the sutures that are starting to rip through my skin, as my body rejects them-well that was a bonus to my mood. Not that sutured skin matters much when there is a potential infection brewing underneath. Just gives them a line to guide them where to cut it all open again.
Please God, be with me. Send some hope and peace my way. Please!