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Saturday, November 14, 2009

Some sweet relief for now

Yesterday was the BIG day.  I was so nervous in the morning.  I was doing crazy things, like I decided I needed to shave my legs bc they hadn't been shaved in a while *cough cough*  and I was mighty embarassed last week with them being right there, next to TWO techs to "inspect".  Yeah I know, I am sure the techs were all about staring at my hairy legs.  You think I would worry more about the internal ultrasounds instead?  So all I could find was a DULL razor (mental note, buy some razors next time I am at Walmart) and I sat there chiseling the hair off shaving my legs, one hour before my ultrasound.  Probaby would have been more successful with a steak knife.  So finally the time came and my sister showed up to watch my kids (very thankful for that by the way!)  And I headed off, thinking about what outcomes I could potentially have.  Scary stuff to think about.

I showed up at perinatology and sat in the waiting room.  The waiting room in perinatology is unlike anything I have ever experienced.  In a normal ob waiting room, even a normal ultrasound waiting area, its always smiles and belly pats and talk of genders and strollers and all other normal, everyday "baby" stuff.  At perinatology, you can feel in the air that everyone is basically just holding their breath, hoping and praying for the miracle of good news/healthy baby(ies).  No one smiles and pats their belly.  Hands are tightly gripping chairs, many looking at the floor, many others staring up at the tv, pretending to watch watching whatever news program is on.  I am guessing A LOT pray like I was.  And then you see the reassured moms, with cautious little smiles, breathing tiny sighs of relief as they walk out door with a picture or two, making new appts to do it ALL OVER AGAIN.  Its a special place, where the miracle of life is greatly desired and celebrated...and mourned.

So I finally got called in and with my freshly chiseled shaved legs, I layed down and got a ton of towels put under my butt to angle me better (tilted uterus and everything).  Once she started the ultrasound I saw my little grain of rice in the sac, but wasn't sure what was going on.  I was just holding my breath, hoping baby was still alive.  The tech took the heartbeat and said "heartbeat is 81 bpm" and my heart sunk and my breath just rushed out of me.  Since the heartbeat had been 111 bpm the week before, I figured this was the end and I now knew the outcome of my baby.  Sad thoughts swirled around me and I felt very defeated.  The tech measured baby a little bit (measuring at 7 weeks like I am) and then I heard what was better then any present I have EVER received, "wait a minute, the heart actually looks like its going faster then that....let me measure it one more time".  She measured it again and told me "oh, its actually 157 bpm".  *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*  What a rush of emotion, as I realized my baby was still fighting and living AND thriving!

The tech told me to wait right there for at least 30 minutes a couple minutes, bc perinatologist might want to take a look.  So I waited, and waited...AND waited.  Did I mention that almost every chair in the waiting room was taken up!  So there I sat with my butt up in the air with those darn towels, and I was starting to get a butt/back ache and I was wiggling around like crazy, contemplating just sitting up/heck with the strategically placed towels!  I took some pics of the screen with my phone bc it had a pic of my baby on it, and I wasn't sure if I would get a pic (I didn't get one last week).  And I sent the pic to my husband, with a text saying "our baby is alive at least, not sure what else is going on, waiting for dr", which only took me about 10 times to send bc the service in that room was practically non-existent.  It finally got through to my husband and I tried once to send it to a friend as well, but then gave up.  Have I mentioned the really, REALLY bad service in there??

Perinatologist finally walked in.  Its really weird to talk to a doctor while you are laying down, with your butt in the air (covered  from the waist down by only a flimsy sheet).  Especially when he didn't even want to take a look.  I should have just sat up at that point, but I had ALL those towels under my butt and not sure how to mess around/removing them while still staying somewhat "discreet".  So I layed there with my butt up in the air listening to what he had to say.  And he didn't want to take a look-bc he was already convinced enough that my baby is not IN my scar, like first ob diagnosed and was ready to terminate for.  Baby is not ON my scars either.  Baby IS mighty low, right near my scar though, which he said be potentially very worrisome (which I already know ALL TOO WELL unfortunately).  The bleed above baby has pretty much stayed the same and he said it was a wait and see kind of thing, but now that baby has grown, it shows up as half the size of sac, whereas last week it was same size/if not bigger then sac.  Last week, he was pretty convinced of imminent miscarriage, so hearing wait and see this week was most certainly a blessing.  It's in God's hands now and this baby is proving to be a fighter for sure. 

He told me to now set up an appointment with my new favorite ob Dr. Gloom and Doom Dr. M and then she would set up further ultrasounds with perinatology as they were warranted.  Not so thrilled about seeing Dr. Gloom and Doom Dr. M again, just bc she was SOOOOOO quick to diagnose the worst case scenario and suggest immediate termination of pregnancy.  She didn't just mention it as a potential option, it was a MUST DO RIGHT NOW kind of thing.  And I am pretty convinced if I hadn't stared at her with a look or horror for many minutes questioned her, that she would not have referred me to the perinatologist for a second opinion.  She had already explained different methods of termination (methotrexate vs. injection of saline to baby vs. D&C which she didn't  recommend with my scar tissue issue....).  *sigh*  As much as I am not feeling the love for Dr. Gloom and Doom Dr. M right now, I think God definately lead me in the direction to see her so that I could be seen by this perinatology department though.  They gave my baby a tiny chance of life last week, and this week my baby proved to be a fighter!  So now, I wait to hear back from Dr. Gloom and Doom's Dr M's office, as to what kind of appointment I will have next.  I would love another ultrasound to see whats going on with the bleed and make sure baby is still doing allright next week, but she's the boss I guess.  Maybe she will want to do more beta hcg tests, so she can tell me that my numbers aren't doubling like normal and it doesn't look good-like she has the last couple times.  This baby just hasn't picked up yet that he/she should be doubling their numbers every 48 hours and not every 85-95 hours.  I guess you could call him/her one big troublemaker. ;)

Oh well.  I *heart* my little troublemaking baby.  Just so incredibly happy for the sweet relief I am feeling right now, knowing that the world's worst outcome has now been cast off the table.  And that my sweet little grain of rice baby is inside me, fighting against this bleed AND growing!  Thank you God for some answered prayers. 

And without further ado, the star of the show!  Here is my little grain of rice.  Is that not the cutest grain of rice you ever saw?!?!  Good genes I tell you! :)  (bleed is above sac and baby, other black area at the top)

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