I just want to be able to REALLY believe

That we are having another baby.  Everything is still so up in the air.  This whole pregnancy has been so up in the air.  I'm having a baby, I'm not having a baby, I'm having a baby, I'm not having a baby. 

First, I got a positive test and was so excited.  I was having a baby! 

Then I had 4 days of negative pregnancy tests.  I was so upset.  I was not having a baby. 

Then, I had more positive tests.  This was for real!  I was having a baby! 

Then I had some bleeding and was sure I must be miscarrying.  I have NEVER bled early in a pregnancy.  I was so upset again.  I was not having a baby.

Then I had blood work done and numbers came back fantastic.  I was still having a baby! 

Then I had bloodwork done 2 days later and numbers only went up 25%.  Dr said that was not good.  I was sure with the bleeding, I must be miscarrying.  I was not having a baby.

Then I went in for an ultrasound and there was my baby, measuring 6 weeks WITH a heartbeat.  I was ecstatic and couldn't believe after all that drama that it might be true.  I was really having a baby! 

Then the Dr. came in and told me that baby was in my scar and that I would have to terminate.  And my world came crashing down.  I was not having a baby.

Then I went in for another high tech ultrasound at the hospital and the perinatologist said he didn't think baby was in my scar.  I was having a baby! 

But then he also told me I had a substantial bleed behind sac and I was most likely miscarrying.  I was not having a baby. 

For a week, I sat in this limbo land, trying to stay optimistic but feeling very pessimistic at the same time.  I had blood drawn and my numbers came back pretty high, having increased by about 7000 and I was happy.  I might be having a baby? 

But then Dr chimed in to say that numbers should actally be double that at this point.  Maybe I wasn't having a baby?

Had my 2nd high tech ultrasound at the hospital and my baby measured right on track size wise.  I was having a baby! 

But the heartbeat was only 81 bpm.  I was not having a baby. 

But then the  heartbeat was actually 157 bpm.  I was having a baby! 

And baby was NOT in my c-section scar, just really close.  Could it be true?  Maybe I am REALLY having a baby? 

But the bleed is still there and hasn't changed much at all in a week.  And its still a good size, at that.  Its a wait and see kind of thing.  So maybe I am not having a baby?

This last 4 weeks has been torture.  I just want to be able to believe that there might be one more added to our family.  I don't want to buy anything. I don't want to make anything.  Just in case. 

I am jealous of my sister in law, who is pregnant the SAME time as me (we are like days apart due date wise).  And no, she does NOT know (and will not know for a long time).  She can complain she is tired and how aggravating the pregnancy already is to her, but she also has 100% belief that in June/July, she WILL be holding a new baby.  A new sister or brother for her other daughter.  A new grandchild.  A new cousin.  A new friend.

And yet I have the same tiredness, the same "aggravating symptoms" that she has.  But I welcome them and celebrate them for now.  And I hope with all my heart that in June/July I am holding a new baby.  A new sister or brother for my kids.  A new grandchild.  A new cousin.  A new friend.  But maybe hope and faith won't be enough to make that our reality. 

Only God knows the ultimate outcome for our baby. 

And so I hope and wait and pray and try to have faith that this pregnancy has had one rocky start because this will be one very special baby.  A baby that WILL ultimately rock my world, but in a good way.  My miracle baby. 

But it still doesn't stop that jealous, human part of me that wishes i could be blindly enjoying this pregnancy, without a care in the world.  What a blessing it would be, if for even a week's time, I was able to REALLY believe those words.  I am having  a baby!  I want to get rid of that feeling that I have been holding my breath for the last 4 weeks....I want to believe it wholeheartedly, with every breath in my body, with every molecule of my being. 

But for now, I try to celebrate these moments I am pregnant.  I thank God for each day I am still with my baby.  And I try to fight my jealousy, bc those dark feelings play no positive part in my life.  But I still hope and pray and try to have faith that one day in this pregnancy, I might get to the point where I can shout those magic words: I am having a baby!  AND I will actualy believe them.  And celebrate them!  Until then, I will continue to look up to God for some fleeting moments of peace in this sea of chaos, while waiting this arduous wait....day by day, minute by minute.  Hoping really hard for those magic words to one day become my reality.