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Monday, November 23, 2009

Please Lord, don't further complicate this journey

Its been a hard month.  A long, hard month.  I don't think my emotions have EVER been so up and down in my whole life.  I am finally starting to feel like I can breathe a *tiny bit* easier about this pregnancy, when we get a phone call from our doctors office Friday night.  "Just wanted to talk to you about one of the results of the blood work for the twins...we won't be in til Monday-not to worry".  Of course, I am worried the ENTIRE weekend.  And I just knew it was for Rylan.  Rylan has always been the sickest kid ever...he catches everything, has horrible asthma that needs 2 expensive, daily meds to keep it at bay, has had to be hospitalized twice, and I just knew it was him.  So today we finally hear back that its Rylan surprise surprise and that he has an elevated white blood count.  We just took him in for further blood testing and those results won't be in for ANOTHER 2 days. 

I am so worried.  Of course, I start researching, and all I see is the word leukemia over and over again.  NOT what I want to read.  And I start reading the symptoms.  Bruises, like the ones that cover Rylan's all the time (he gets more bruises then any of the other kids do-right now he has one on his cheek a couple on his arms, and a TON on his legs).  Loss of appetite/weight loss-after I have just recently thought to myself how little he is eating these days, and how much bigger his twin is getting.  He has always been 1-2 lbs ahead of his twin, and at their appt last week, he was couple ounces below his twins' weight.  I was shocked.  At 27 lbs, he was at what he was about 6 months ago, whereas his twin had gained 2 lbs.  Yes, I am worried.

I am hoping (and praying) that I am just looking too much into it and that the blood tests will prove that he is healthy and normal.  But why the high white blood cell count then?  The nurse said it could be an infection, but he has actually been healthy this last few weeks.  He had the seasonal flu shot (not thrilled about it, but I had to get him it bc of his high risk status with the asthma-although I didn't want to at all and didn't get it for my other kids).  Could having the seasonal flu shot 4 hours before blood draw have raised his white blood count THAT much?  *sigh*

Its a hard journey already, fighting for the life of this one baby.  I don't want another baby of mine having to fight an equally hard, if not harder, journey.  Not for my little little boy with the Einstein like hair-my little boy who is always seen carrying around his "Mer Me" aka his Mermaid, smelling her hair and sucking his thumb.  My heart aches at even the slightest possibility of him having to go through anything like this.  So for two more days again, I wait and wonder and hope and pray.  Please Lord, spare my sweet baby boy from any of these deep, dark worries of mine, if that is at all possible. 

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