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Friday, November 20, 2009

feeling like one big liability today...

I was talking to a friend about my doctor mess and she mentioned that the doctor was probably treating me like she was, bc in her eyes I am just one giant potential liability.  Ever since my well-meaning friend said this, I have been feeling like nothing but a liability. Today I keep asking myself  'why couldn't I just be happy with the five kids I already had'.  *sigh*  I could have kept ignoring the little voice calling out to me, and I might have regretted that decision for the rest of my life, my heart aching for that little person that I didn't try bringing into this family.  But then at least I wouldn't be in this pickle, with a new ob doctor who sees me as only as a giant potential liability and who really has made it quite clear so far that she wouldn't choose me as one of her patients if she could.  Here I am, left wondering if there is any hope of finding an ob doctor that doesn't view me solely as a potential liability. 

I am just losing confidence that I will find that kind of doctor with my history of 5 kids and 4 c-sections.  Lots of people in the world have more then 4 c-sections, and yes, its pretty much a game of chance when it comes to where baby implants and if they go near your scar, but I have had pretty easy pregnancies (even with my twins AND placenta previa last time).  My first 3 deliveries went fantastic with little scar tissue, and the last delivery went well until I was in recovery, where it did get a little hairy with my hemmorhage, but stuff like that can happen to any mom (most especially moms of twins).  If I had had a rough go of it the last 4 pregnancies, I most certainly would not have made the choice to listen to my heart and try for that last little soul calling out to me.  My last ob was optimistic about everything, telling me she wanted me to make it to 39 weeks with my twins and complete placenta previa...I didn't believe her that it could even be a possibility, but then I practically did make it that far (38.5 weeks).  She had 6 kids herself, and seemed to appreciate my big family.  I just have this feeling of dread right now that its going to be practically impossible to find a doctor like that now, one who is willing to hope for the best and deal with the problems if/when they come.  I am just feeling defeated today.  I hate the fact that I am sitting here, spending even a second regretting this little person growing inside me.  I love this baby so much.  I just wish life didn't have to have to be so hard sometimes.  Guess I will just continue on, trying to figure out what to do in this whole doctor mess and looking up to God for some reassurance that I am not all alone in this-looking up to God for reassurance that I am MUCH MORE then just a liability. 

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