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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

thoughts, lots of thoughts

I am lately thinking back a lot, thinking about this journey.  Reflecting.  It feels like its been a whirlwind.  But the emotions are still right there, just slightly below the surface.  I only need to slightly stir up the light dusty top layer, and the memories of it all come flooding back to me.  Today I had an ice cream sandwich.  Yep, such a significant event.  Aren't we all glad I shared.  But the last time I had an ice cream sandwich was when my mother in law brought 2 huge boxes of them.  Back when I was pregnant..  Back when I didn't know what the outcome would be.  As I ate that ice cream sandwich, I remember how I felt the last time I ate an ice cream sandwich. Or three.   And I got a big lump in my throat. Yep the last time I had an ice cream sandwich, I actually ate three of them in one day.   I figured "maybe these will be my last three ice cream sandwiches I will ever have...and I will enjoy them til I am sick of them".  Yeah, I know that is gluttony in its finest.  And no, they didn't even taste that good...not as good as three ice cream sandwiches SHOULD taste.  But thats besides the point.  As I sat there today eating my ice cream sandwich, I remembered the fear and the sadness and the trust I had in God that I was doing what was right still.  How is it that that moment was like 5 months ago, but suddenly feels like only yesterday when I actually remembered it.  I think I will feel those flashbacks forever.  Living a life, fearing the unknown, but trusting its path nevertheless.  Its a strange feeling. It's the kind of feeling that catches your throat, makes your shoulders feel like they weigh a million pounds...yet your heart remains light and airy and hopeful.  Yep, a strange feeling indeed.

When I have the time to sit here and quietly reflect on things (usually car rides at night, when 6 children are soundly snoozing in their carseats in the back), my mind ALWAYS brings me back to this one moment of time.  Right before surgery.  When I was about an hour before finding out what unknown future lay ahead for me.  I had kissed my children goodbye that morning, and didn't know if that was the last time I would see them on Earth.  I was sitting in a hospital gown (would this be the last thing I ever wore?), with two IVS and talks about my central line and arterial line that were going in next, with MANY doctors hustling and bustling all around me.  And at this moment, they all walked away in discussion.  And I sat there deep in thought and worry.  And then there was JOY.  Great joy.  I felt content and at peace suddenly.  And all I could think over and over again was "We WON God.  We WON!!   You WON!!"  The fact that I had managed to somehow stay strong and make the right decisions at a time when all the wrong decisions would have made my life SOOOOOOOO much easier.  That God had wanted Ansen to live and we had fought for his life and now he would live.  That we had changed history now....Ansen's lifepath would be broad and affect many.  And it shouldn't have been, with all the challenges we had faced.  Especially those at the beginning of the pregnancy.  The inexplicable joy I felt at a time when I should have been screaming out in fear.  God was with me at that moment, letting me know He was pleased and proud.  I am sure of it.  He filled me with that peace and joy...the peace and joy that made it possible for me to take the last step and say goodbye to my husband and be put to sleep.  And it wasn't that I was suddenly convinced that I would surely live.  Because I wasn't.  But I knew that we had won still, even if I didn't make it through the surgery, it was STILL a victory.  Because I had been able to look Up and seek God, even when I was at the lowest of lows.  And I was able to make decisions from the heart and not out of the numbing, paralyzing fear that followed me the entire pregnancy.

You know why this is one of those most joyous moments  that I like to fondly think back of??  Its not soley bc I am proud of myself (although I am proud of the clear decisions I was able to make at the foggiest times of my life).  But really, what made it truly special is that I felt a little bit of God's heart that day.  The joy that poured out of my heart and soul and body as I lay there, waiting for a life threatening surgery was most certainly God inspired and God gifted.  4 months later, I can still feel it on my heart, although its not as strong of a feeling as it was that day, its still just as impressive to me.  It gives me a high to think about.  Even if I am never allowed that tiny little glimpse into God's heart again....that scream it from the rooftops, floating in the sky joyous feeling again....well that moment I did have will still be able to sustain me for a lifetime.  And when things feel down wound wise, or eating an ice cream sandwich sends one of those feelings right to your gut, well its time for some quiet time.  Holding a sleepy baby, closing my eyes, and just reminscing.  About the hour before my surgery.  That feeling.   That joy.  We won!  I am still trying to win for you God.  Although some days, I most certainly focus too much on my self and my struggles.  And I need to let got of the "me" and have more of a team mentality.  Our team is winning.  I may have contributed one grand winning plan, but the game is STILL on, yesterday, today and tomorrow.  And I am still needed to play.  The game is far from over!

Off to go snuggle in bed with a sweet, little blondie of mine.  Ready to listen to those small whispery breaths of sleep around me, while contemplating my "next move" for the team's sake, and I might just close my eyes and savor that moment in time, that moment in joy...just one more time today.  Good night!

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