*sigh*

Today my nurse was here, taking care of my wound (visiting nurse time has become a normal part of our schedule after almost 4 months) and she mentioned that the drainage was a little more greenish brown toda, so of course, I asked if that was bad.  And she said "this is nothing like the green you had before, this is an ok green, not like the massive infection, you could have easily gone septic and died green of before".  Of course, now I am just deep in thought.  Like having my life threatened once with placenta percreta wasn't enough, I then had to go get this massive infection that could have easily/silently killed me.  I am so thankful that everything turned out in my favor, but it still deeply affects me as I process all this.  Its kind of like how you feel if you were standing on a train track and the train stopped RIGHT before it would have hit....like centimeters away.  And then you get over the shock of that, only to find yourself on a road, where a truck JUST misses you as well.  I used to hyperventilate thinking about my own death one day.  And then I had to face the possibilit of it this pregnancy.  Not that I look forward to death, I certainly want NOTHING to do with it for a long while yet....but it changes you when you go from thinking you are young and invincible to suddenly realizing that no matter who you are, how you feel, what good you do...it can just sneak up on you with lightening speed.  And there is nothing you can do to stop it.  You can beg and please and try to bargain and cry and pray....but if its your time to go, then thats that.   It wasn't yet my time to go, I have work to still do in this world.  It has changed me though. *sigh*  .