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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Deja Vu

So now I am having large quanities of yellow wound fluid coming out of this small hole in my stomach.  And with my lower stomach swollen still.  Well, I am getting some major deja vu.  This is exactly like what happened with me the first time around.  I felt good (besides incision healing), but had this massive amount of wound fluid coming out.  And its happening all over again.  Do I have a new abscess in there??   I am mad and I am sad thinking about the possibility.  Mad bc I was supposed to be almost through with this journey and sad bc I am a crappy mom when I am in pain.  I have already thought about how the heck I will be able to continue bf'ing through many more surgeries and pain.   And pain=percocet=half with it mom, who plays movies for her kids all day bc I am trying to deal with the effects of the percocet, which I have no option but to take bc the pain is that much WORSE then that.  I am homeschooling.  This would affect that as well.  IT'S NOT FAIR.  But life isn't fair.  I am praying that this doesn't happen again, it brings me to tears thinking that its a distinct possibility again.  But I am helpless, in that I have no control with what my body does with this now.  I had a choice to turn down the last surgery....but the dr sold it as the end all surgery, and bc I wasn't patient enough to wait it out just a little bit longer, I made the wrong choice.  My heart screamed not to do it, but my head told me that if I shaved weeks off my recovery, wouldn't that be swell.  And so I went through with it. 

Today I was sitting in Church, thinking of all this of course.  And wondering what God wants of me through all this.  Obviously I am supposed to share Ansen's story.  But what role does the potential of extra, extra suffering play in my testimony.  Perhaps I haven't appreciated enough?  Perhaps I haven't shared enough?  Is this the work of Satan?  No matter how hard Satan *may* play a part in compromising my journey, I will never, EVER utter the words that I wish I hadn't gone through this.  I don't welcome pain, I don't welcome suffering, but bringing this new life into the world WAS a worthy endeavor, worthy of all the hell I have had to go through, worthy of any future hell I may still have left to experience.  I have changed the big picture.  Ansen has this lifepath now, of people he will touch, and Ansen's story will touch many others.  So much good has come out of A LOT of very bad circumstances.  I may feel like I can't do this all over again, but if I have to, I will.  Begrudgingly, with sadness and madness, but it will still have its worth...worthy of much more then money or gold.  He is still worth it.  He will always be worth it.  All of my kids are similiarily worthy.  They WILL change the world; in that they will touch people in positive ways, as I hope to have done and continue to do.  I am fighting a winning battle (as hard as it is some days to accept with this wound), as is my family, as is much of the world.  Ansen's birth was a victory.  His story is a victory.  Our story will be a victory.  Just not sure of when/if there will be a definite ending to some parts of it... 

1 comment:

  1. I know I am leaving you the same comment on each post but our prayers are not ceasing for you, your strength and courage is so inspirational to me and I know I can get through this and make it to the other side. Your story is not in vein. Thank you so much for sharing along the way.