Feeling better (both physically and spiritually)

Physically, I am not still healed and not sure when I will heal, since nurse found that there is actually still this mystery tunneling that hasn't changed (she thought it had filled in, but found it again last time she was here).  But I feel great.  I don't have pain anymore, I have been able to be without the binder all the time now (which used to be incredibly painful).  If I walk around a lot, the top part of it will get a little sore...but its nothing crazy.  I can again take a shower without taping up my stomach with saran wrap and painters tape...thats a huge blessing.  Besides having the nurse come every 4 days or so and needing to wear a bandage over the open part, its not hindering me at all.  I feel so lucky.

On a more important level, spiritually I have been feeling down about how one side of our family has basically dumped us for having Ansen.  It's hard to understand, how and why this could happen.   How my sweet baby boy that we all fought so hard for, that fought so hard himself, could be a catalyst for such bitterness and negativity to others.  And as positively as I try to live, this has really taken a toll on me at times.  But after talking to some other likeminded Christian moms, they have encouraged me and brought me back to the right path.  First, I will appreciate that we don't have to be surrounded by that negativitiy, that we don't have to allow our kids around that negativity.  I need to stop feeling bad that we are excluded from all familiy events, bc even if we did go, it would be a negative environment for us all.  God isn't surprised by any of this...he is very well orchestrating the gift of distance to protect our hearts.  We have so many blessings in our life, and I need to concentrate on those blessings and continue to let our family shine and be a light of love and purpose .  I am not going to let poison that has unfortunately entered our family enter into our own lives anymore.  And most importantly, as hard as it is, I will pray for them.  Pray that one day they will find their way back on the right path, that they will see Ansen as the blessing that we see every single day.  Thank you God.  Thank you for the amazing people we ARE surrounded by, both family and friends.  Thank you for my sweet, caring husband.  And thank you for this.

There is my heart, laid out in 6 different forms in this picture.  Thank you for each and every one of them.  Thank you for the joy and laughter they bring to our lives, and the life lessons they inspire each and every day.  Thank you. 

Soul-full eyes

When I look at these soul-full eyes of Ansen, I feel many things, including:

A. the feeling that I have known him forever (and not just this last 4 months)

B.  the feeling that he still has much to teach me

C.  the feeling that I am so incredibly joyful that I was able to see beyond the most fearful of times, and can now gaze at these amazing, soul-full eyes of his day after day after day

getting an award for....

being the world's slowest healer.  Thats what my nurse says anyways.  So maybe being completely healed in one week isn't in my cards.  I am healing at a snail's pace here.  Haven't made much improvement in like 5 days.  I don't know why this is for sure, but I have my guesses its bc of two things A.  I am not eating enough protein (I try to eat protein at every meal, but there is only so much protein you can eat before you start feeling like you are eating an Atkins diet) B. I am breastfeeding and Ansen is stealing a lot of the good stuff from me.  Yesterday I tried to fix A.  I ate 4 eggs for breakfast.  Lots of lean hamburger (mixed with onion, corn and brown rice) for dinner.  I just don't know how to get any more protein then this though.  I am sick of protein.  Been trying to base my diet on protein for 4 months now.  Blah.  As for B, well its not going to be fixed, for now anyways.  Me healing up quicker isn't worth more to me then Ansen having the extra immunities he needs with his weakened lungs.  So if it takes me a month to heal from something that I should heal from in a week....so be it.  I had to evict him out before his lungs were ready, and now I need to at least help him stay as healthy as I can, even if it means I will have to deal with this that much longer.  You gotta do what you gotta do.  *sigh*

smiling bc

I am peeking in on my blog, typing with my left hand while holding a baby in my right hand.  And I am not wishing my hands were more free at this time...greatly appreciate them being busy with baby.  My life is insane, so crazy busy and makes you want to pull your hair out at times, but boy do I LOVE being a mom to 6.  Thank you God for my 6 children and for my sweet, loving, hard-working husband.  And for all those gorgeous leaves we saw today on our family ride.  Feeling so grateful and thankful.

up, up, up

Things looking way up!!  FINALLY!!   Fluid has decreased and has stopped pooling up in my abdomen since my nurse starting lightly packing it.  Got to take my 2nd shower today in about 4 months where I didn't have to cover my stomach with plastic wrap and tape.  I just have a small opening, right where my belly button was, and eerily enough, it looks like a  belly button for the time being.  Anyways, small update.  Time for church! 

*sigh*

Today my nurse was here, taking care of my wound (visiting nurse time has become a normal part of our schedule after almost 4 months) and she mentioned that the drainage was a little more greenish brown toda, so of course, I asked if that was bad.  And she said "this is nothing like the green you had before, this is an ok green, not like the massive infection, you could have easily gone septic and died green of before".  Of course, now I am just deep in thought.  Like having my life threatened once with placenta percreta wasn't enough, I then had to go get this massive infection that could have easily/silently killed me.  I am so thankful that everything turned out in my favor, but it still deeply affects me as I process all this.  Its kind of like how you feel if you were standing on a train track and the train stopped RIGHT before it would have hit....like centimeters away.  And then you get over the shock of that, only to find yourself on a road, where a truck JUST misses you as well.  I used to hyperventilate thinking about my own death one day.  And then I had to face the possibilit of it this pregnancy.  Not that I look forward to death, I certainly want NOTHING to do with it for a long while yet....but it changes you when you go from thinking you are young and invincible to suddenly realizing that no matter who you are, how you feel, what good you do...it can just sneak up on you with lightening speed.  And there is nothing you can do to stop it.  You can beg and please and try to bargain and cry and pray....but if its your time to go, then thats that.   It wasn't yet my time to go, I have work to still do in this world.  It has changed me though. *sigh*  . 

thoughts, lots of thoughts

I am lately thinking back a lot, thinking about this journey.  Reflecting.  It feels like its been a whirlwind.  But the emotions are still right there, just slightly below the surface.  I only need to slightly stir up the light dusty top layer, and the memories of it all come flooding back to me.  Today I had an ice cream sandwich.  Yep, such a significant event.  Aren't we all glad I shared.  But the last time I had an ice cream sandwich was when my mother in law brought 2 huge boxes of them.  Back when I was pregnant..  Back when I didn't know what the outcome would be.  As I ate that ice cream sandwich, I remember how I felt the last time I ate an ice cream sandwich. Or three.   And I got a big lump in my throat. Yep the last time I had an ice cream sandwich, I actually ate three of them in one day.   I figured "maybe these will be my last three ice cream sandwiches I will ever have...and I will enjoy them til I am sick of them".  Yeah, I know that is gluttony in its finest.  And no, they didn't even taste that good...not as good as three ice cream sandwiches SHOULD taste.  But thats besides the point.  As I sat there today eating my ice cream sandwich, I remembered the fear and the sadness and the trust I had in God that I was doing what was right still.  How is it that that moment was like 5 months ago, but suddenly feels like only yesterday when I actually remembered it.  I think I will feel those flashbacks forever.  Living a life, fearing the unknown, but trusting its path nevertheless.  Its a strange feeling. It's the kind of feeling that catches your throat, makes your shoulders feel like they weigh a million pounds...yet your heart remains light and airy and hopeful.  Yep, a strange feeling indeed.

When I have the time to sit here and quietly reflect on things (usually car rides at night, when 6 children are soundly snoozing in their carseats in the back), my mind ALWAYS brings me back to this one moment of time.  Right before surgery.  When I was about an hour before finding out what unknown future lay ahead for me.  I had kissed my children goodbye that morning, and didn't know if that was the last time I would see them on Earth.  I was sitting in a hospital gown (would this be the last thing I ever wore?), with two IVS and talks about my central line and arterial line that were going in next, with MANY doctors hustling and bustling all around me.  And at this moment, they all walked away in discussion.  And I sat there deep in thought and worry.  And then there was JOY.  Great joy.  I felt content and at peace suddenly.  And all I could think over and over again was "We WON God.  We WON!!   You WON!!"  The fact that I had managed to somehow stay strong and make the right decisions at a time when all the wrong decisions would have made my life SOOOOOOOO much easier.  That God had wanted Ansen to live and we had fought for his life and now he would live.  That we had changed history now....Ansen's lifepath would be broad and affect many.  And it shouldn't have been, with all the challenges we had faced.  Especially those at the beginning of the pregnancy.  The inexplicable joy I felt at a time when I should have been screaming out in fear.  God was with me at that moment, letting me know He was pleased and proud.  I am sure of it.  He filled me with that peace and joy...the peace and joy that made it possible for me to take the last step and say goodbye to my husband and be put to sleep.  And it wasn't that I was suddenly convinced that I would surely live.  Because I wasn't.  But I knew that we had won still, even if I didn't make it through the surgery, it was STILL a victory.  Because I had been able to look Up and seek God, even when I was at the lowest of lows.  And I was able to make decisions from the heart and not out of the numbing, paralyzing fear that followed me the entire pregnancy.

You know why this is one of those most joyous moments  that I like to fondly think back of??  Its not soley bc I am proud of myself (although I am proud of the clear decisions I was able to make at the foggiest times of my life).  But really, what made it truly special is that I felt a little bit of God's heart that day.  The joy that poured out of my heart and soul and body as I lay there, waiting for a life threatening surgery was most certainly God inspired and God gifted.  4 months later, I can still feel it on my heart, although its not as strong of a feeling as it was that day, its still just as impressive to me.  It gives me a high to think about.  Even if I am never allowed that tiny little glimpse into God's heart again....that scream it from the rooftops, floating in the sky joyous feeling again....well that moment I did have will still be able to sustain me for a lifetime.  And when things feel down wound wise, or eating an ice cream sandwich sends one of those feelings right to your gut, well its time for some quiet time.  Holding a sleepy baby, closing my eyes, and just reminscing.  About the hour before my surgery.  That feeling.   That joy.  We won!  I am still trying to win for you God.  Although some days, I most certainly focus too much on my self and my struggles.  And I need to let got of the "me" and have more of a team mentality.  Our team is winning.  I may have contributed one grand winning plan, but the game is STILL on, yesterday, today and tomorrow.  And I am still needed to play.  The game is far from over!

Off to go snuggle in bed with a sweet, little blondie of mine.  Ready to listen to those small whispery breaths of sleep around me, while contemplating my "next move" for the team's sake, and I might just close my eyes and savor that moment in time, that moment in joy...just one more time today.  Good night!

Appt tomorrow

FINALLY get to get these darn sutures out.  After almost 3 weeks, my skin is rejecting them majorly, and my skin is starting to rip.  Wicked cool.  My "wonderful" wound care dr didn't seem too bothered by that fact last week though,  *sigh*  We will see what he says about the wound fluid and all,  Its lessened thankfully, and the bottom of my stomach is much less swollen, but I still have a hole in my stomach, where my belly button used to be.  Its opened back up in that area and it goes straight down a good 3-4 cm.  Kinda discouraging, as I have mentioned before, since this surgery was supposed to end all, not give me another big hole to heal up. 1 step forward, 55 steps back.   But whatever...what can I do now but just hope and pray that it heals up, and that I can avoid a dreaded abscess again.  Still have yellow/tan wound fluid, which  makes me nervous, but the fact that it has lessened has given me a *tiny* bit more hope.  Emphasis on tiny.  We'll see what happens with this all tomorrow.

Ansen has yet another cold.  And mysteriously, he is the one to show symptoms first.  Where are we getting these things, since we rarely go out in public places these days.  Thankfully he seems pretty comfortably and its not including a croupy cough like last time.  Today is day 2 (or is that 3) and he sleeps awful at night, wakes up a million times, but I will take take it.  Its nice to see him having a normal time with a cold.  I cancelled his 4 month appt yesterday bc he was sick and I KNEW they would harrass me that he was perfectly fine to get shots, even with a cold.  I hate that they do that....that they make you feel like you are abusing your child if you dare want to wait til your child is healthy before bombarding their bodies with vaccines (and as it is, I only let them do 2 at a time anyways).  So much easier to cancel the appt then fight the harassment!  So as soon as I feel he is good and healthy, I will call back and reschedule another 4 month appt.  I know they think I am one giant inconvenience, but so be it!  I could care less if he catches up to where he is supposed to be in their one size fits all vaccination schedule. 

So thats where we are at.  Just can't wait to get these sutures out!  Every time I get up or move, it feels like I am ripping things apart in there.  Augh.  Will update tomorrow when I hear more from this doctor of mine. 

Deja Vu

So now I am having large quanities of yellow wound fluid coming out of this small hole in my stomach.  And with my lower stomach swollen still.  Well, I am getting some major deja vu.  This is exactly like what happened with me the first time around.  I felt good (besides incision healing), but had this massive amount of wound fluid coming out.  And its happening all over again.  Do I have a new abscess in there??   I am mad and I am sad thinking about the possibility.  Mad bc I was supposed to be almost through with this journey and sad bc I am a crappy mom when I am in pain.  I have already thought about how the heck I will be able to continue bf'ing through many more surgeries and pain.   And pain=percocet=half with it mom, who plays movies for her kids all day bc I am trying to deal with the effects of the percocet, which I have no option but to take bc the pain is that much WORSE then that.  I am homeschooling.  This would affect that as well.  IT'S NOT FAIR.  But life isn't fair.  I am praying that this doesn't happen again, it brings me to tears thinking that its a distinct possibility again.  But I am helpless, in that I have no control with what my body does with this now.  I had a choice to turn down the last surgery....but the dr sold it as the end all surgery, and bc I wasn't patient enough to wait it out just a little bit longer, I made the wrong choice.  My heart screamed not to do it, but my head told me that if I shaved weeks off my recovery, wouldn't that be swell.  And so I went through with it. 

Today I was sitting in Church, thinking of all this of course.  And wondering what God wants of me through all this.  Obviously I am supposed to share Ansen's story.  But what role does the potential of extra, extra suffering play in my testimony.  Perhaps I haven't appreciated enough?  Perhaps I haven't shared enough?  Is this the work of Satan?  No matter how hard Satan *may* play a part in compromising my journey, I will never, EVER utter the words that I wish I hadn't gone through this.  I don't welcome pain, I don't welcome suffering, but bringing this new life into the world WAS a worthy endeavor, worthy of all the hell I have had to go through, worthy of any future hell I may still have left to experience.  I have changed the big picture.  Ansen has this lifepath now, of people he will touch, and Ansen's story will touch many others.  So much good has come out of A LOT of very bad circumstances.  I may feel like I can't do this all over again, but if I have to, I will.  Begrudgingly, with sadness and madness, but it will still have its worth...worthy of much more then money or gold.  He is still worth it.  He will always be worth it.  All of my kids are similiarily worthy.  They WILL change the world; in that they will touch people in positive ways, as I hope to have done and continue to do.  I am fighting a winning battle (as hard as it is some days to accept with this wound), as is my family, as is much of the world.  Ansen's birth was a victory.  His story is a victory.  Our story will be a victory.  Just not sure of when/if there will be a definite ending to some parts of it... 

Just not liking the direction this is going at all....

My body is pouring out this yellow wound fluid out of that small hole in incision.  In wound fluid world, yellow is NOT good.  Its supposed to be pinkish, and was up to yesterday. This is JUST LIKE the start of this whole nightmare.  Exactly the same. And only a couple weeks after this started last time, I had the CT scan that showed the huge abscess that had formed under my skin.  I think this whole disaster is starting all over again, but just a different part of my stomach.  My nurse comes in 45 minutes to reassess (ON HER DAY OFF might I add).  She is very concerned.  And she called my dr and he is like "oh thats allright, its to be expected".  NO, it was not to be expected.  When he told me I needed this surgery, he told me I had a 1-3% infection risk, and that he would put the skin together, I would get sutures out in 10-14 days...and that would be that.  He sold me this surgery as the final end.  And inside me screamed not to go forward with it...I thought it was so weird that I was SOOO uneasy about this surgery...but I ignored it bc it was "supposed" to be the end all surgery.  I can't imagine if they end up doing another CT scan, find another abscess, have to debride a new part of my stomach and I start this recovery nightmare ALL OVER AGAIN.  It took me 2.5 months to get to the point where I was just about healed.  I can't do another 2.5 months of new open wounds and pain and all that garbage that comes with it.  I dread having my nurse come today.  She said if things seemed any worse, she would have to send me to the hospital.  She is not happy with my dr at all right now.  She was apologizing to me on the phone, telling me she hoped I knew she was trying as hard as she could.  She is my only real advocate it seems, and her pleas are falling to deaf ears.  It just sucks all around. :( 

Life is moving all around me.  Kids are running around house and playing like usual.  Dressed in their soccer gear.  Ansen still eats every 2 hours.  Doug needed just a little more sleep.  And here I am, deep in my thoughts and worry.  If this goes in the direction it seems to be heading, I will be the one that has to suffer yet  more, all the while needing to juggle another wound/discomfort/pain with carrying on with life.  I have a husband that can't take any more time off of work this year.  I have 6 kids that count on me, as their stay at home parent.  Its this whirlwind around me.  Please God, don't let this happen again.  PLEASE!!!  

Things not looking swell again...

Drainage went from pinkish to yellow/tan (NOT good) and the bottom of my stomach below this wound nightmare is now red, swollen and warm to the touch.  Nurse thinks that wound fluid has been collecting down there and my body can't absorb it nor does it have anywhere to get out.  Honestly, if I have to get cut open again, in a new spot and heal for many months again, I don't know if I have the strength to make it through again.  I know the pain and the hell I would have to endure, its way too fresh in my memory.  Please pray that this can be taken care of more simply...somehow. Waiting for nurse to call back once she talks to wound care (who have been very laid back about this from the start-do they not remember what I have gone through this last 4 months.)  WHY can't I get a break with this wound? In 2 days, it will be 4 months since my surgery.  I am feeling very lost today.  :( :(