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Friday, January 15, 2010

Giving up on a dream....

Like I have mentioned before, I was pretty sad when I found out I was having a boy instead of the girl that I was SURE I would be meeting.  Its not that I won't love this little boy, bc I certainly will...but now I have to give up the dream and life of this last little girl.  I was sure Aubry would be joining this family and that I would get to experience having a girl one last time.  I was sure I would be able to pull out all my little girls' outfits and get to use them once more as well.  I was sure that I would raise up one last girl and one day watch my three girls become mothers themselves.  I feel like I know this baby girl that was supposed to join our family-she has been around me since after the twins were born.  I still feel her around me.  But I will never meet her. 

I keep thinking....well maybe I can have one more.  But I know I can't do this again and knowingly take the risks.  If baby implanted high in uterus, it could be a great pregnancy.  But the way things have gone for me, things would surely not go in my favor yet again, and it would end up being another low implaning, nightmarish pregnancy....and with soon to be six kids at home, I just can't take the chance of being in THIS situation again.  So now I have to say goodbye to my dreams of Aubry.  And for the rest of my life, I will regret not taking the chance so I could bring Aubry into this world.  And I hate that feeling.  But I don't see any other options. 

I am a big believer in letting God lead us in our lives and it certainly has lead us to a very fulfilling life thus far.   But is God now leading us towards having one more child or is He slapping me with the cold, hard, raw facts of this pregnancy to show me that we need to be done?  I just don't know why He would leave this empty part of my heart unfulfilled....but there are plenty of things I will never undestand about this world.   And as much as I want to follow my heart, I also want to be there to raise and teach the 6 children we have been blessed with.  The cold hard facts are that moms still can die having babies and with 5 c-sections, I will be nearing the TOP of the highest risk category.  As much as I want to follow God's lead, I also feel its my obligation as a mom to guarantee as best as I can humanly try to be there for my kids as long as I can.  As hard as it will be for me to spend the rest of my life with a part of myself wondering about Aubry and who she would have been/what she might have brought to our family/my heart, its harder for me to imagine my 6 kids wandering through their lives without a mother, but instead with broken hearts.

Like always, being a mother means sacrifice.  And now I have to accept that it might not all work out "perfectly" in the end.  Life is most certainly not a perfect journey.  So now, I NEED to let go of my dream of Aubry and hope that one day, it won't hurt as much to think about that little one that never joined our family.  This baby I am now carrying has survived many challenges and his little life was surely meant to be added to our family.  And I love him so much already.  He is a blessing to us, as our other 5 kids were.  And I don't want his birth to be a time of sadness.  So yes, its imperative that I now work on closing the door to my dream of the last 2+ years, and instead open up this new, very different door to our future. 

*Goodbye to my sweet curly haired Aubry.  I'm sorry I couldn't meet you.*
*And hello to my little miracle little fighter that had a strong will be in this world and a part of our family.  Hopefully we can find a name that will honor your strong little spirit!*   

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