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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

7 more days til the big ultrasound....and other ramblings

7 more days til the big ultrasound...and probably about 7 more days til I spill the beans.    THAT should be interesting...unless we decide to wait it out even more.  But I am almost 18 weeks.  How much longer can I wait??   We already told my mother in law (this week)  and she has been pretty positive about it-but I know my side of the family won't go as well.  And I have a feeling my sister in law (due 2 days after me) is going to flip out-and not in a good way.  *shrug*  I am hoping my ultrasound goes well, that baby is healthy, that my placenta is still behaving, and that perhaps I can confirm sex.  Baby gave me a few *I'm here and I'm okay* wiggles yesterday, so at least I am not so worried about that.  Still really nervous about my placenta though.  I just hope its still looking normal and not starting to abnormally adhere to my scar.

I have some projects I want to make for baby, as well as for my other kids.  I had this cute "what are girls made of/what are boys made of" cross stitch that I made for ONE of my 5 kids.  My plan is to finish all of them so I can put them up.  I actually have a huge list of other projects too-sewing projects for kids being a big one but waiting for sewing machine with taxes as well as a ton of other cross stitch projects.  It would be nice if I could have a sewing/crafting space, but this house is just way too small for that. 

I just can't seem to get rid of this pregnancy exhaustion and its really bringing me down-I want to finish projects here and put them up and try my hardest to make this place feel like a home.  It just doesn't feel like home still and I ask Doug daily if we can move back to our real home.  But I NEED to stay here, my parents are next door and they are really happy having us here.  And its easier for me when I have to take my dad out and about, since he isn't supposed to drive anymore.  I just wish I could like this house more...even at all.  But I don't.  I love the outside.  But I HATE the inside. It was my grandmother's house, and she loved us a lot, but was also a VERY negative person and every time we would come over here, she would give us grief about something  in our lives (She was definately NOT a fan of homeschooling nor a fan of me having so many children nor a fan of me not name a few).  I just feel surrounded by that negativity and its suffocating at times.  And since my Dad technically still owns this house since we still own the other, he won't let us change much anything at all about the house-wood paneling EVERYWHERE that we are not allowed to point....completely blue bathroom that is falling apart that he is giving us heck about redoing.  Everything that I stare at that reminds me that I am not living in my own home-its still my grandmother's.  *sigh*  And it just makes me miss my other house like crazy.  We could still move back there of course, but it would really upset my parents...and the kids love living close enough to Grandma and Grandpa to walk over....and they love the outside (as do I). 

Its just this house and I don't think I will ever feel "at home" here-certainly hasn't happened in the 6 months we have been here so far.  My other house had so much more space that we could have used if we were creative with our bedrooms. My other house had the wood floors and the kitchen we had JUST redone and our bathroom that was NOT falling apart like this one (and NOT blue), and just much BIGGER rooms in general and a porch that we didn't take advantage of like we should have.  Our old house had so much character. as well, being an older home.  The only negative about it was the not so ideal location and lack of a good sized lawn. This house is teeny tiny, the bedroom and living room are teeny tiny, and the extra rooms we do have-one doesn't have insulation bc it was an addition, so it costs an arm and leg to heat (and we don't even go in there now in the winter) and the other extra room is down in the cellar and has 40 year old wall to wall shag carpeting that just feels forever damp as well as floor to ceiling paneling that we will never be able to paint. Maybe this wouldn't be a problem if we didn't have such long winters here where we are trapped in the house for months upon months! 

When I considered this house, I put all my emphasis on the positives that would be brought to us by living next door to my parents and the outside space.  I didn't consider the inside space as much as I should have and now I am very much regretting that.  You don't know how good you have it until its gone.  Ever wish you could go back in time for a redo?  :(  This house is quite a bit more affordable for us then the other was but I am just not sure how "worth it" it really is....  Anyways, maybe that is probably a HUGE part of why I have been so emotional about this pregnancy and the sex of this baby.  We are working through it.  Doug gets me out of the house A LOT when we he is home and we go on hour(s) long rides and that helps a ton!!  And we do a lot of things outside the house to keep us busy. Only a few more months til spring (when we can spend all our time outdoors and OUT of this house)...and a week til I get to see my precious baby again.  I definately need to put all my focus on the positives coming our way....focus on the blessings in our life...stop lamenting over the "what if's".  As much as I hate this house, I have an amazing husband, soon to be 6 kids that I adore, and some really great friends and family....DEFINATELY more for me to be happy about then to be sad about.

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