back and forth, back and forth....

Keep going back and forth about when would be the best time to go check into the hospital.  Of course, I would feel the safest at the hospital right now, but I have 5 kids that are the joy of my life, and I want to be around them as much as I can.  I also want Doug to work as much as he can, so that we can be better prepared money wise for when we  has to be out of work.  So its just really hard.  I agreed with doctors to be hospitalized at 32 weeks....but sometimes I think maybe next Monday instead (31.5 weeks).  I want to be there with my kids, but I also want to be there FOR my kids all these years later.  At the hospital, if things go bad quickly, they could be prepping me or transfusing me within minutes.  That is very reassuring to me. 

All four maternal/fetal doctors are having a big meeting about my case on Wednesday and they will figure out their "plan" for me.  Although planning for something like this can sometimes be like planning for the unplannable, I will still feel reassured by it.  Today at appt, we talked about delivering at 34 weeks instead of 36 weeks...and everyone seems in agreeance right now about it. I know I feel MUCH more comfortable about it myself.  We'll see what they ultimately decide on....hopefully Wednesday afternoon.

All I know is that for now, I am just trying to go with my gut.  And praying about it.  And asking Doug to pray about it as well.  I am hoping that one of us gains the wisdom we need to make the right decisions when the time is right.  I know when I am checked into the hospital for good, I will breathe one tiny sigh of relief.  But I will also miss my five favorite little people so much.  And like right now, all I can think about is just getting in ONE more day to enjoy them at home with me...around me.  And each subsequent night, I want to just sneak in one more day...its a hard cycle to break!   Here's hoping that we can find the peace and wisdom our hearts are searching for as delivery gets closer and closer.

And if anyone else has any wisdom to share, please do so!!  I, without a doubt, think that God has a way to talk to us through others as well...for sure! 

Uterus is NOT happy today....

For some reason, the LONG ride we went on today did not make my uterus too happy, I go for rides all the time, and Doug had to take his EMT test today, so we decided to all go the ride and wait for him in the van while he was actually taking test.  I don't know if it was the bumpy roads we hit, or what...but I had to take my contrax meds out there (and I was kinda freaking out about the thought of me suddenly needing to go to hospital, just bc we were a decent distance away from hospital).  They calmed down, but then picked right back up at about 3:30...so I took my 2nd and last dose of meds I am allowed for the day.  I am kinda nervous about them coming back again.  If they do, I have to go back to hospital tonight.  *sigh*  Tomorrow morning, I have an ultrasound and appointment anyways, so I would MUCH rather just make it til then.   Hoping my uterus will just CHILL OUT for the rest of the day now. 

Tomorrow I am going to ask about delivering at 34 weeks, and tell them that Doug and I have decided that I will probably check in to hospital at 32 weeks.  32 weeks seems to be the average time that these incretas/percretas take a turn for the worst, and I just want to be right at the hospital as I get closer and closer to this delivery.  Augh.  The delivery I want no part of right now.  Anyways, we will see what happens tomorrow.  Wondering if I will get to go home after my apppointment, after how last week's went....we'll see.

Questioned at times whether I would see myself here....

entering my 30th week!!!  Happy 30 weeks to Ansen....his lungs are maturing by the day and if he was born now, he would have a MUCH easier time then he would have had 4 weeks ago.  I am so happy we have made it this far....and hoping we can get another 2/4 weeks out of this pregnancy. 

I want to ask my doctors about the possibility of delivering at 34 weeks.  They (rather optimistically) want to get me to 36 weeks and honestly, I am afraid that before that magic number hits, it will become an emergency situation.  If I am bleeding before I go into this delivery, I am already heading into this surgery at a disadvantage.  If I am suddenly majorly bleeding, I won't be able to get the balloons in my uterine arteries to help control bleeding  and bc hemmorhaging is my biggest risk.... well it worries the heck out of me.  And as much as I want my baby to be his biggest and healthiest, I also want me to be alive after the whole thing! Babies born at 34 weeks may need a little supplental oxygen, but they are usually just feeders and growers.  I am sure he would do fantastically at 34 weeks. 

So I am going to ask them about this on Monday, and tell them my fears.  They have said time and time again that they NEED to avoid an emergency situation; they need the right people (those prepared for my situation) to be on the schedule and there for the surgery.   I just think that 36 weeks is just too optimistic.  Maybe 34 weeks is too optimistic too.  Most people on the acreta/increta/percreta board I have come across have delivered at about 32 weeks.  Guess we will just have to wait and see. 

So incredibly thankful to have made it to 30 weeks.  My uterus/placenta may be in lousy shape, but they are still sustaining my little boy, so that he can grow and his lungs can continue to mature.  I am so grateful that this pregnancy that looked doomed from the start, has proved to me over and over AND over again what a true miracle it is.  

29.5 weeks-back in hospital....

So I went to my 29.5 week appt yesterday.  Had ultrasound first, and like always, Ansen is doing wonderfullly.  Practice breathing a ton, moving around, lots of fluid, etc.  I got some amazing pics of my big cheeked little boy!  Like this one (with his little foot/toes hanging out above his head).  Is it normal for a baby at only 7.5 months to have CHEEKS like that!!  I am in love!!!!! 

At my appointment, they asked if I had any cramping, which I have had for the last 1.5 weeks.  Its been a cramping/achiness in my lower uterus near my scars, and I had chalked it up to annoying acreta stuff.  I was always noticing it, but it was bearable.  So Nurse Kathy (who is AMAZING btw) talked to me for a while.  I asked her about my risk of bleeding at home (which is a big worry to me when I am home alone with the kids A LOT) and she had asked dr and he said HIGH, like 60/70% chance.  That wasn't very reassuring.  I also asked about when I would hospitalized for sure, and she said they would admit me any time I didn't feel comfortable being at home anymore.  Like if I had wanted to today, I could have been admitted for duration of pregnancy.  I guess that tells you how serious it is, just bc they don't usually tell you to come stay at the hospital whenever you feel like it.  She then asked me if I thought that cramping/achiness could be contractions and I was like "nope, no way.  I don't feel any hardening of belly.  Its just located along bottom of uterus.  Isn't even happening THAT much" etc, etc.  So she called doctor and he recommended monitoring for an hour.  She told me it was up to me and if I was sure it wasn't contractions, I could go on my way....I told her she was the boss and to do with me whatever she thought I needed.  Well she said for some assurance, she would love for me to be monitored just to make sure it wasn't contractions. 

So I went to WETU (women's evaulation and treatment unit) and I felt silly for having to put on a gown and all that, since I was only staying an hour tops....but I put it on, layed down and they hooked me up to the monitors.  SO i felt that achiness/cramping.....and then a few minutes later I felt it again....and then I felt it again....and so I looked at the contraction strip (had been watching TLC, thinking this was going to be a waste of my time) and there are contractions on there!!  I kept having them, and was having them about every 3 minutes.  Some were worse then others.  I am thinking I must have only felt the big ones when I was sitting up/dealing with kids stuff, bc I would have definately said something if I noticed these were happening THAT frequently!

So one of my maternal/fetal doctors came in and told me that he was giving me some calcium beta blocker to relax my uterus....and that I would also be sent for another ultrasound to measure cervical length.  He explained that he DID NOT want me contracting, just bc any action in my uterus could cause parts of my placenta to pull away and bleed.  He was very happy though that I wasn't showing any signs of bleeding yet.  He also said the contractions might be caused by some bleeding going on IN uterus...bc the uterus will contract if there is a collection of blood in there that needs to get out.  I haven't noticed ANYTHING though, so hoping its just my uterus being wonky.  Weirdly enough, even when pg with the twins, I NEVER had consistent contractions like this.  I had c-sections bc I never could get into any kind of contraction pattern to dilate, even on pitocin.  Just weird.

So I got my first dose of meds and Nurse Kathy came to wheel me to ultrasound again, saying "I hope you don't hate me" laughing.  I told her that I couldn't believe I was actually having contractions-and she just said that she was glad I went to get monitored!  So my ultrasound showed that my cervical length is at 3.1 cm (at 29.5 weeks).  I had a cervical length u/s at 26 weeks when I came in for the bleeding, and that one had been 3.6 cm.  So my doctor said that it was shortening, but normal for gestational time period and that he was happy with it.  Went back to WETU, hung out there forever, got a 2nd dose of meds (get them every 4 hours) and they told me I would be monitored one more time and I would probably get to go home with a prescription after that.  So I got monitored again, and was still noticing the cramping, although it wasn't as strong as before....and the strip was still picking up little contractions here and there (not as regular as before).  My doctor came in and told me I was being admitted overnight, just bc they don't want me having any contractions with everything else I have going on. 

So here I am.  I noticed contractions here and there last night...but by midnight (and about 2 more doses of meds) my uterus is quiet and not one contraction was picked up.  YEAH!  Getting monitored again in 30 minutes and I am hoping that it doesn't pick up anything...bc that will tell doctors whether or not I can go home. 

Of course, I am starting to wonder WHEN I should be admitted, since they said its up to me....unless I have any bleeding of course.  Some days, I am extremely nervous being at home with the kids by myself (mostly at nights-just scared of a big bleed starting suddenly), but I LOVE being home around my kids.   They make these days go by much faster!  I guess I am just going to play it by ear..and symptoms. 

Will update more when I know more.  Time to order/eat breakfast before I am stuck on a monitor for an hour!

Dwelling on the positive today....

Today I am going to think of all the fun things we are going to try to do this summer once this nightmarish delivery is past and we are enjoying our family of 8!  I am so excited that our family will finally be COMPLETE.  And now we can move on to experiencing life with our crew.  I just love my kids so much and I want to give them tons of experiences to enjoy this beautiful world around us.  I know they are going to grow up SOOOOO fast on me, and I want to make the most of every minute we have together as a family! 

I have a lot of things I want to do, but the biggest on my list is to take a camping trip or two this summer.  I figure after I am recovered, it shouldn't be *that* tough to bring a nursing baby out anywhere.  Famous last words, right?  lol  I got a nursing cover, so I am excited to be out and about this time, only nursing a singleton.  Nursing twins  took over my life-its going to be a vacation only nursing one!  The kids LOVE the outdoors and there is a campground located right near the beach that I really want to try out. I have friends that spend weeks up there.  I don't want our summer to be sitting in the ac, watching tv.  When the kids are stuck inside the house, they are jumping off the walls,  Outside, they are running and playing, and exploring nature, and NEVER want to go in.  We have loved camping in past years, but we have let our busy life get in the way too often in the last few years.   I want to get in as many of these "we never seem to have/make time for these kinds of things" experiences this summer/fall...and every spring/summer/fall after (maybe even one year, I could learn to appreciate these freezing cold, snowy winters that I personally do not love very much.)  This experience has taught me to SLOW DOWN.  Life is too short as it is, and most of life's busy-ness adds little to no value to our life.  

This summer, we would love to spend at least a few days at our favorite place in Maine as well.  Usually we spend a whole week there in June (when rates are the cheapest), but obviously this year, that is very OUT of the question for June.  Instead, hoepfully we can go up beginning of September maybe....maybe even end of August.  The kids want to go boogey boarding and crab fishing and swimming and play on the beach.  And I can't wait to enjoy the sights and smells and sounds of the ocean.  Awwww, bliss!!! 

One last thing I want to do is spend LOTS of time out and about at local parks.  We have one within a mile of our house with a swimming pond that I know the kids would love.  Another one with a waterfall/stream that is not even 7 minutes away.   Yet another one with a duck pond.  I want to picnic it for lunch and get out as much as we can (this is after giving myself a little bit of recovery time of course).  I have had ENOUGH of being stuck in this house.  We have all this free (or nearly free) fun surrounding us, and I plan to take full advantage of it. 

Oh, and we do have some free Six Flags tickets (well for most of us) that I guess we will have to use at one time or another.  Funny enough, I am not looking as forward to that as I am all these other things. I know Six Flags will be hot and busy and loud and crowded and EXPENSIVE (free passes or not).  The thought of Six Flags gives me little to no thrill, but the kids have been really wanting to see what its all about (since it IS located within the same town that we live in-talk about torture, driving by it all the time!)   Guess we will have to throw that somewhere in our near future plans.

So much to look forward to this summer/fall.  Its hard to picture Ansen being here...I have spent so much of this pregnancy doubting that he would actually make it into this world that its going to be very surreal to me when he IS here, part of our family, and in my arms.  When I think of the first moment I will see him, I start to cry.  Every time.  After all we have gone through....its hard to imagine we might actually accomplish that impossible feat.  I can't wait to have all SIX of my children together for the first time...and then for us to enjoy all our days together every day after!   Definately need to focus on that goal; gotta keep those down days from ruining my spirit.  I NEED to focus on potential positives in the making-there is a much better chance that bc my doctors are fully aware of my situation, that I will be enjoying the positives rather then the negatives.  Positive thinking is a must!

Lately, seems like I have more down days then up....

I don't know why that is and I don't like it one bit.  I am usually a very positive person.  I feel bad that most of my blog is something depressing about this or that.  I would rather not blog about any of the bad stuff and just keep the happy, hope filled parts of my blog...but I need to express all this going on in my head somewhere.  And I talk to Doug about a lot of it and he is SOOOOO optimistic....and I certainly appreciate his optimism. I just want my story to be one of hope and faith, but I am spending a lot of my days feeling like I am all alone, drifting in the middle of the ocean, struggling to keep afloat.  Today I woke up, and started thinking of what it was going to feel like being put to sleep for the surgery, what I would say to Doug before it happened (do I tell him not to hate Ansen if something happens to me??), what would happen to me during this...would I just wake up and feel pain and know I am alive, or would I just fall asleep and be done with the whole thing, and it just started my day off VERY poorly, to say the least.  Hence I had to get up and out of bed really early this morning to take my mind off of stuff. 

My kids are a great distraction most of the time, in that I spend most of my time snuggling, changing diapers, breaking up fights, answering questions, wiping noses, reading, critiquing art, teaching how to cross stitch, helping reconnect trailers to trucks, etc  When I am with my kids, I don't have much time to think...and at this time, I don't want to think.  I just want to enjoy the "now".  Its part of the reason why I am not looking forward to an extended stay at the hospital if that is to become my future reality...all that alone time, all that time to think about all this.  Just this morning, those few minutes alone with my thoughts have tortured my whole day.  Watching the kids blowing bubbles into their milk and making a huge mess right now is a very WELCOME (messy) distraction. 

On another blog, a fellow acreta mom had many signs from God that everything would be okay.  I am just hoping that maybe one of these days, I can have some kind of similar reassurance here.  At the beginning of the pregnancy, I had a few instances that helped strengthen my faith and got me through the beginning.  But since I have been officially diagnosed with acreta, then increta, and then suspected of percreta as well, I have been feeling all alone.  In the hospital, when they were talking delivery at 26 weeks, I was terrified and completely alone.  Just felt like everything has been spinning out of control, more and more...and I have no control anymore over any of it at all anymore.  Haven't had anything that has made me feel like this is definately going to be okay.  I instead start to question whether or not I made the right choices for me, Doug and the kids, albeit I have certainly made the right choice for Ansen.  And I try to have faith that God is with me this journey and that we will all make it through.  But why do I feel so alone then????  Can't I just have a little something....anything to reassure me here???

For the last few months, I have wondered if I should go on antidepressents, but its not like some magic pill is going to make me feel dramatically better.  This is no chemical imbalance I am feeling.  Its a sucky, depressing situation that no one in their right mind would want to get into that I am stuck in.  And unless I had a take away your memory pill to take, I highly doubt any of the downs will go away until this entire situation goes away.  I made my bed, now I have to lay in it...and I am just left to stay afloat while I hope for the best.  And think of the miracle of Ansen's existence.  And try to focus on the "could be" future we might be able to accomplish...a future that includes our entire family of 8, enjoying each other and living a meaningful life TOGETHER. 

For anyone that does read this, I am sorry I can't spill out sunshine and rainbows at this time.  Quite honestly, it was easier to be optimistic when I didn't know for sure that we were dealing with the worst case scenario.  And now, each day we get closer to bringing Ansen into this world with bigger, strong lungs means another day I am closer to finding out what the end of this story will be.  I certainly want the whole thing OVER (my uterus is aching ALL the time at the bottom, my bladder is aching, and I have to pee every 20 minutes), but I am SOOOOOO not ready for any not so happy endings to occur either.  I love my husband, I love my children, I love my family and friends...and I love my life.  I haven't learned enough.  I haven't experienced enough.  I haven't lived enough.  I haven't appreciated and been thankful enough.  Honestly, the happiest moment of my life will be when I wake up from surgery IN PAIN and ALIVE!  Because then, I will know this whole nightmarish pregnancy was 250% worth it.  That will be a wonderful moment indeed....

29 weeks today...

and another week closer to some healthy lungs for Ansen.  Thinking of Kylie's dream she had the other day (about Ansen at ~1 year old, Kylie said she was making him laugh in his stroller and then I was there, helping him walk around) and I am just feeling more optimistic about the whole thing today.  I need to have faith that God hasn't left me to deal with this alone.  I have some amazing doctors that have dealt with this all before and I have amazing family and friends that have been SUCH a huge help, blessing, and support to us at the time, and I have wonderful kids who think I am the greatest mom for giving them one last little brother.  They are so excited about Ansen. 

Caden keeps saying "now I will have my own baby" with a big smile.  He says that because when the twins were born, the girls each took on one of them as their "baby".  Kylie took on Rylan and Elise took on Gavin. Back then they would want to hold them and change their diapers and now they hold their hands in public and such.  Caden is beyond thrilled that Ansen is HIS baby....as scary as this is, when I see him beam with pride about "his baby", I am glad that we are evening out the teams with a 6th.  My three boys were sitting in a row, in their matching jammies, watching tv and I could just picture one more little boy in there, and two VERY protective big sisters watching out for them all.  I can't wait til this is ALL a distant memory and I can fully enjoy and live life with this beautiful family we have been blessed with.  We just need to make it through this horrible delivery.....

Here's hoping we have a few more weeks til we even have to consider delivery though.  Things seem to be pretty quiet right now....when I try to move around too much, I get some warnings that I shouldn't, so I have been pretty good with the bedrest  lately.  Its BORING though, but its only for a short period of time.  I am just glad to be surrounded by my babies.  Even when they drive me crazy, they are the bright light on a dark day.