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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Having one of those days....

Today I got a call from the doctors office.  She has completely transferred my care to a maternal/fetal specialist.  I asked what I was supposed to do with the appointment I had scheduled with her the beginning of January and they said forget about it.  So I guess I am officially done with that office.

I feel conflicted. 

On one hand, I am very relieved.  She started my pregnancy off very poorly with her bedside manner and her insistence that I terminate pregnancy (on a condition that is VERY rare and that she should have NEVER diagnosed herself without a better ultrasound/second opinion.)  If I had just listened to her, my baby wouldn't be alive right now and for no good reason.  She was MUCH nicer at the 2nd/last appt I had with her, but I have to admit that when she did the quickie ultrasound and said "my look how big baby is", I wanted to say "can you believe that was the baby that could have been needlessly terminated, no thanks to you".  Of course, I didn't say that.  But its hard to trust someone that is supposed to put their life's work into bringing babies safely into the world that is so nonschalent about ending one of those lives.  And I wasn't all that appreciative into the "I would have made you tie your tubes the last pregnancy" comment either.  My last ob didn't say it was life or death I tie my tubes AND this dr didn't even know me, yet felt bold enough to make that comment.  Anyways, I appreciate and understand why being transferred to a maternal/fetal specialist would be the best choice and I am certain I will receive excellent care.

On the other hand, I am scared.  Terrified actually at times.  I am now deemed high risk, and high risk enough that they only want me to see maternal/fetal specialist (with twins, I piggybacked my care with regular ob and perinatologist).  I am suddenly terrified of something happening to me at delivery.  And leaving all my kids and my husband alone.  Being told you are high risk makes you start worrying about things like that.  Today, after getting my call, I was asking myself "WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE".  Sure, I felt this baby around me and it wouldn't leave my mind ever, but I could have lived the rest of my life, feeling this feeling, RISK FREE, right?  I might have spent the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I took the leap of faith, what might the outcome have been, and who would be that last person we could have added...but I would have very little risk to me thinking those thoughts, feeling those feelings, while still continuing to raise my family.  And now, I am living that leap of faith and going through this unknown journey and sometimes feeling unsure over what the end result will be.  And bc of chance-of where baby implanted-I am now at high risk.  And I have to face those chances of something going terribly wrong.  There are chances that just scare the heck out of me.  And suddenly, I start to feel stupid for being so hopeful going into this all. 

But then I think of my baby and seeing her/him on ultrasound, kicking and bouncing all around.  How could that little person growing inside me be my biggest mistake.  My baby that fought past hurdles already herself/himself with the hemmorhage I had going on in there.    And I feel like this little, growing person was meant to be in this world and I was meant to be her/his mommy....and I picture myself making it through this journey, watching my baby growing up and thinking "THIS is why that whole nightmare was worth it."  And I just hope with all I have in me that its not just wishful thinking, but instead a tiny glimpse into my future. 

I need to have faith that God will hear my prayers AND answer my prayers.  I do feel like I am being lead in a certain direction, and I am listening and following those whispers in my heart, even if its different from what I would normally choose.  From the start of the pregnancy, I was all ready to call the practice that runs out of the hospital I had delivered all my other kids at.  I LOVE that hospital, I have fond memories of having ALL my babies at that hospital, they give you this amazing reusable cup with a straw to drink out of-water never tasted so good, and they were able to give me good care for my moderately high risk pregnancy with twins.  The other practice, based out of the biggest hospital in the area, was NOT much of an option for me, just bc I felt like that hospital was too big and too unfamiliar...and I just loved my other hospital THAT much.  I had planned to give the practice a call when I hit 8/10 weeks, since they don't do much for you before that.  And then, I had the bleeding at 5.5 weeks.  And I called the first practice that came to my mind, even though I didn't want to deliver there at all.  I saw this doctor, who was NOT nice or empathetic at all, and she gave me the WORST news of my life (that I would have to terminate).   But then I get referred over to perinatology for a better ultrasound.  And with my heart filled with dread, I went into that appt and was given a tiny glimmer of hope by a doctor that seemed to care.  And I waited another week, and was seen again and was given a tiny bit more hope.  And then I was told to see the other doctor again, only to be told she didn't want to see me for another 3.5 weeks.  As I waited and wondered, I was CONVINCED I needed to switch to the other practice asap.  That way I wouldn't have to see this depressing doctor again (who didn't seem to even want to see me anyways), and I could deliver at the hospital I adore-the one with the good cups .  I was all ready to call one day and then I just felt like I needed to see this doctor once more...and that there was a reason I was meant to see her.  And I fought this feeling, but in the end, I went with it and I begrudgingly saw her.  And I could feel my blood pressure racing as I entered the office.  And when I saw her, she was much nicer for sure.  Although its hard to believe someone is sincere, when they give such an uncaring performance the first time you see them.  I walked out of the appt thinking "okay, she was nicer, I will give her that...but WHY am I ultimately supposed to see her".  And I was puzzled, but just going with the flow of the feeling on my heart. 

So now I get this call.  And I will be seeing a maternal/fetal specialist from now on-I won't be seeing the other doctor at all anymore.  So none of this feeling actually had much to do with her I guess.  And now instead, I will be seeing the maternal/fetal specialist-where I had two ultrasounds this pregnancy...where I met with the perinatologist that gave me that small glimmer of hope when all hope seemed lost.  And now, all I can hope-with all my heart-is that I was meant to go to that practice and experience what I did to get to THESE doctors.  And hopefully THESE doctors will be the ones that will help safely guide me through this pregnancy, no matter what complications may arise.  My journey might have changed its route, but I need to see this change as for the better...and that ultimately I am still headed towards the same destination I had oringally set out for.  With faith, all things are possible.  And as I reread what was meant to be my final statement, I feel a tiny wiggle.  Actually the first wiggle.  My little reminder....reminding me of the true meaning of what this journey of faith is REALLY all about. Yes, with faith, all things are possible.   

1 comment:

  1. You are truly inspirational! You will make it through all of it!! I'll be praying for you along the way!
    I am scared for my delivery too. Just because when I had that vbac with Lucas I was nearly hemmoraging, it took my doc(my amazing ob that i love) FOREVER to get me all sewn up and stop the bleeding, i can remember yelling at him to hurry up b/c i could feel him stitching me and it was not pleasant.
    We will both make it through and come out with a beautiful beautiful healthy baby!