Dr. Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde

Dr. Doom and Gloom Dr. M has gotten a new nickname!  I was majorly freaking out about this latest appointment at 10.5 weeks.  First and foremost, was just worried about baby and that hemmorhage.  And second, bc Dr. Jekyl/Mrs. Hyde Dr. M had been SOOOOOOO incredibly unpleasant my last visit that another visit to see her seemed like a form of torture.  I was all ready to switch, and had the numbers ready to dial for the new office.  But I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason.  My life has been a series of cooincidences that have turned into a lovely life story, so honestly, there was no question to me that I had to give her one last try.  One last chance to see if God was sending me to her office for some unknown reason.

So I went into my appointment stressed beyond belief and I let the nurse know that my blood pressure MUST be crazy high.  She took it and it was only 124/80.  It felt MUCH higher then that!  After doing the weight thing and the pee in a cup thing, I got escorted into my room, to get dressed in my fancy little gown for a full exam. And then I sat there.  And waited.  And waited.  And waited.  And my mind started getting carried away, with thoughts of how I would run out of there, demanding my records on the way out.  And I looked at the pictures of her two daughters on the wall and I calmed down a tiny bit.  And then I noticed a pregnant Willow Tree figurine identical to the one Doug bought me about 4 weeks ago, when the future was so uncertain for this baby.  And I started wondering if this was a sign that I would feel the same peace I got when Doug bought me this figure 4 short weeks ago.  And I then I started studying this weird box thing next to me, wondering what that could be.

So finally she came in and the first thing she said was "who would have thought you would be doing THIS well after that rocky start to your pregnancy".  And she sat down and wanted to know EVERYTHING about all my past deliveries.  And I told her that everything went great with my first 3 pregnancies/deliveries...and that everything seemingly went well after my 4th delivery...that is until I was in recovery for about an hour and started hemmorhaging.  So she had me sign a release to get all my records from the hospital so she could get a better idea about what went on the last time.  And she told me I would be having another c-section (of course I knew that).  So I told her that I was really nervous about another c-section and this would be my last for sure and that I just wanted to make it through this....and she reassured me that that would happen.  I agreed to tie my tubes, which is another blog post for sure....but its not something I was pressured into.  I know this is what I need to do now after this baby.  So she explained to me that she is probably going to refer me to a high risk specialist...but she would have a better idea once she got all my records from other hospital.  She told me about a few of them and told me I had seen the one that looks like Dougie Houser (which he TOTALLY did now that she mentioned it!)   Dougie Houser This perinatologist was a very good doctor though, and he gave me hope when there seemed like so little...so I feel that if I was sent to him, I would certainly get good care. She said that her and the high risk doctor would probably share my care actually. 

So after the discussion part of the appointment, she did a pap (yeah my favorite part) and checked out my scars.  Then she pushed over the weird looking box....and it was an old school ultrasound machine!  She said that we most likely wouldn't see much, and before I could see anything she said "wow look how big the baby is already" and then I caught a glimpse of my sweet baby.  Bouncing around in there.  Kicking and punching.  I was just amazed that I couldn't feel any of it either, bc the baby was moving THAT much!  She let me watch it for a good 30 seconds and she showed me the heartbeat and said everything looked good.  I asked where placenta was, and she pointed that it was growing down low....more the reason I would probably be seeing the high risk doctor sooner rather then later.  So that was pretty much it, she patted me on the back, and was off.  And I sat there wondering how on Earth that could have possibly been the same doctor that was so grim, judgemental, and matter of fact before.  All I can think is that she was having one heck of a bad day perhaps?  I don't know.  So I got another ultrasound scheduled in 2 weeks at perinatology and hopefully we will get a better idea of what placenta is doing on a really good ultrasound machine.  And all in all, I deemed it a pretty good appointment.  And I figured I could throw the numbers away I was ready to call and switch to.  I feel like God is leading me to this practice for a reason...maybe bc of the really good hospital and the high risk doctors I will see.  Its certainly been one heck of a journey so far, but I trust God is leading me in the right directions.

And so I walked out of the office with a big smile.  Just on a high, after seeing my baby alive and well. My baby that was supposed to miscarry 4.5 weeks ago.  The baby that I was told would have to be terminated at one time.  As nervous as I am about the potential complications I could have (and I am VERY nervous about that), my heart feels like it will burst from the sheer magnitude of excitement and love I feel for this baby.  I get choked up thinking of meeting/holding this baby.  This is the baby I felt around me.  When I looked at our family of 7 and felt someone missing, it was because of this baby.  This baby that has been on my mind the last 2 years....this is the baby that wouldn't leave my thoughts, no matter how hard I tried to will it away.  This baby that was always on my mind and in my heart is now this baby that is growing and thriving and kicking and punching and bouncing all around inside me.  This baby is MY baby.  I love my baby so much!!!   And no matter how complicated this journey might get, I have faith that God will be there for me AND my beautiful little baby...and in the end, I will see the miracles of God's work when I hold my baby for the first time in my arms.