I have more then enough children to keep me busy here, I don't feel like there is a little soul tugging on my heart like I did 2 years ago, but I still miss my uterus all the time. It's ridiculous I know. I always am thinking of things I could have done differently in my life so I could have kept it (of course, all these options in my mind still include having my 6 kids). I feel a major allegience to my uterus, it might have been screwed up at the end, but it did an amazing job of growing 6 children for me. I am wondering if it will be this hard for the first year anniversary of things, and then I will slowly but surely fully accept the hysterectomy and move on. Gosh, I hope so. I wish I could relive the last 8 years of my life. All my pregnancies went by so quickly, my babies are growing so fast....every time I blink, everyone is another half year older. Ansen-my last baby ever- is crawling and is getting closer and closer to a year old. It makes me sad that I really missed his first 3 months of life, with him in the NICU and then me being drugged out for surgery after surgery. I don't even remember July at all. I mourn having a normal delivery and those moments in the hospital where all you had to do was focus on all that joy of getting to know our new baby. The last time I felt that was at Caden's birth (over 5 years ago). That makes me really sad.
Thankfully I have God to remind me that this is EXACTLY how he planned my life to be. None of this was a surprise to Him, and in regards to having children, all I wanted to do was have all the children HE had planned for me. And I did that. Even when things got scary bringing Ansen into the world, I did just what God hoped I would. I know I need to stop putting the focus on my missing uterus and instead pour all that focus into God and the life He has granted me. I don't want to be that person that spends so much time on the shoulda/woulda/couldas that I miss out on the joys of every today. I think I just REALLY need spring to get here...spring always helps me refocus. Sitting in the house/within these 4 walls, day after day after day with 6 VERY energetic children can take its toll on the sanest of minds. Here's hoping that many outside days are on its way soon here....and that I can use the blue sky, green grass, fresh air, much more clear mind of spring to get over this "missing my uterus" stuff.