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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

got a case of the blahs....

Its almost been a year since I was put into the hospital for bleeding.  Almost a year since I prepared for what seemed like imminent surgery for me and my 26 week baby.  Almost a year since they uttered the words "potential placenta percreta".  Almost a year since I went on bedrest. 

Last year was terrifying, but seems "holy" to me now.  It was the time when my faith was most tested, and when I felt/saw God's work the clearest.  I am now founding that I miss that clarity.  I mourn that clarity.  Life is back to its monotanous hum drum of life, people going on with their lives, and I am of course expected to go on with my life, as time flies by.  My baby boy is 9 months old.  Its been 9 months since I had to face a surgery that could have ended my life, 9 months since I faced my biggest fears, 9 months since I kissed my uterus goodbye, and 9 months that have flown by that I have yet to fully process.  I would give anything to relive one of those days again last year, even though they were the most terrifying of my life.  *sigh*  Life is flying by, and I feel like I am doing little but make it through the days is so busy here at my house, my kids keep me so busy.  I want to do more more then just trudge through my days and check off my daily todolist.  I think I was supposed to do more with this.  But I just am not sure of what that is.

I miss my uterus as well.  Now that my baby boy is getting closer and closer to one, I am reminded that my last baby is growing up too fast on me like the others have.  And  I missed half of his months as a baby drugged up on percocet bc of wound/surgery pain.  :(  I wish I could have some of that time back now. 

The sermon at church spoke to me this week.  Was about taking that holy moment in your life and using it as inspiration for the normal, "boring" days ahead.  God always finds a way to give us the messages we need to I just need to figure out how I can use this info to make for a more spirtually fulfilling life for us all here.   

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