I kinda go back and forth on my mood and it seems like I have a lot of "feel sorry"moments that I try to avoid posting on here. I hate to complain bc I have so much to be thankful for. When I faced this surgery all I asked G od was to keep me alive for Doug and my children and God answered my prayers. Although I feel like a prisoner to this neverending wound, I am still so lucky bc things could have been much worse for me. And I can't complain about Ansen and the monitor and 02 for the cars and the meds, bc he shouldn't even be here in the first place after all he has gone through.
But I would be lying if I didn't say that I missed my old life. I miss being able to go out with my kids, I miss grocery shopping and parks and Costco, and just about everything else in the world I can't experience while sitting in the house, on this darn couch. The night visiting nurse is on my case (honestly, I think he is a touch psychotic) that I am to remain 24/7 homebound or he is going to report me to my insurance company and I will lose my visiting nurse care. Makes me feel like a prisoner. Like a felon when I leave the house to *gasp* go on a ride. And its not fair that I have to live like this, after all I have already had to go through this last 2 months. Can I please START to resume a normal life here now??? I put in my 2 months of hell, I just want to be able to enjoy the "normals" again, only this time with my SIX kids. When I sneak out of the house to do something normal (like go to my brothers for a cookout (where I am a good girl and do little but sit in a chair and feed the baby), I feel so happy and free and normal. But those days are far and few between for now, since I have to make sure I am somewhat homebound....I don't want to risk losing my visiting nurses, bc this is still a little bit more then we can care for. *sigh* Its all so difficult, this whole thing has been difficult, and maybe I am just a difficult *invalid*.
On the Ansen news, he is now 10.5 lbs, still eating all the time during the day and sleeping a good 6+hour stretch at night. Seems really early for him to be doing that, but I will take it. He also gave me his first real smile today. Made me forget how abnormal I still am right now....well at least for a few moments anyways. Gosh I love my baby boy, and I love my other five children so much. I just want to give them back our old life. And I want it back myself. Hopefully wound keeps healing as well as it is, its just a big wound and going to take quite some time yet. God, please grant me the patience to get through the rest of this sanely.
I can't imagine having to stay home so much and fear losing your visiting nurse coverage! That must be so hard! I'm still praying for you, Melissa, that you will heal quickly and completely. I hope that the painful parts of this experience will soon be a distant memory and you'll only be experiencing the treasure that is your six beautiful children! Take gentle care of yourself, mama.
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