Search This Blog

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hoping that I won't miss my uterus like this for the rest of my life....

I have more then enough children to keep me busy here, I don't feel like there is a little soul tugging on my heart like I did 2 years ago, but I still miss my uterus all the time.  It's ridiculous I know.  I always am thinking of things I could have done differently in my life so I could have kept it (of course, all these options in my mind still include having my 6 kids).  I feel a major allegience to my uterus, it might have been screwed up at the end, but it did an amazing job of growing 6 children for me.  I am wondering if it will be this hard for the first year anniversary of things, and then I will slowly but surely fully accept the hysterectomy and move on.  Gosh, I hope so.  I wish I could relive the last 8 years of my life.   All my pregnancies went by so quickly, my babies are growing so fast....every time I blink, everyone is another half year older.   Ansen-my last baby ever- is crawling and is getting closer and closer to a year old.  It makes me sad that I really missed his first 3 months of life, with him in the NICU and then me being drugged out for surgery after surgery.  I don't even remember July at all.   I mourn having a normal delivery and those moments in the hospital where all you had to do was focus on all that joy of getting to know our new baby.  The last time I felt that was at Caden's birth (over 5 years ago).  That makes me really sad.

Thankfully I have God to remind me that this is EXACTLY how he planned my life to be.  None of this was a surprise to Him, and in regards to having children, all I wanted to do was have all the children HE had planned for me.   And I did that. Even when things got scary bringing Ansen into the world, I did just what God hoped I would.  I know I need to stop putting the focus on my missing uterus and instead pour all that focus into God and the life He has granted me.  I don't want to be that person that spends so much time on the shoulda/woulda/couldas that I miss out on the joys of every today.  I think I just REALLY need spring to get here...spring always helps me refocus.  Sitting in the house/within these 4 walls, day after day after day with 6 VERY energetic children can take its toll on the sanest of minds.  Here's hoping that many outside days are on its way soon here....and that I can use the blue sky, green grass, fresh air, much more clear mind of spring to get over this "missing my uterus" stuff.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Ansen is now one pregnancy old....

One pregnancy....nine months old.  I am so grateful that God sent him to complete our family....he is such a joy to all of us!  I just wish he wasn't growing up so fast on me.....

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

got a case of the blahs....

Its almost been a year since I was put into the hospital for bleeding.  Almost a year since I prepared for what seemed like imminent surgery for me and my 26 week baby.  Almost a year since they uttered the words "potential placenta percreta".  Almost a year since I went on bedrest. 

Last year was terrifying, but seems "holy" to me now.  It was the time when my faith was most tested, and when I felt/saw God's work the clearest.  I am now founding that I miss that clarity.  I mourn that clarity.  Life is back to its monotanous hum drum of life, people going on with their lives, and I am of course expected to go on with my life, as time flies by.  My baby boy is 9 months old.  Its been 9 months since I had to face a surgery that could have ended my life, 9 months since I faced my biggest fears, 9 months since I kissed my uterus goodbye, and 9 months that have flown by that I have yet to fully process.  I would give anything to relive one of those days again last year, even though they were the most terrifying of my life.  *sigh*  Life is flying by, and I feel like I am doing little but make it through the days is so busy here at my house, my kids keep me so busy.  I want to do more more then just trudge through my days and check off my daily todolist.  I think I was supposed to do more with this.  But I just am not sure of what that is.

I miss my uterus as well.  Now that my baby boy is getting closer and closer to one, I am reminded that my last baby is growing up too fast on me like the others have.  And  I missed half of his months as a baby drugged up on percocet bc of wound/surgery pain.  :(  I wish I could have some of that time back now. 

The sermon at church spoke to me this week.  Was about taking that holy moment in your life and using it as inspiration for the normal, "boring" days ahead.  God always finds a way to give us the messages we need to I just need to figure out how I can use this info to make for a more spirtually fulfilling life for us all here.